


Until we're grey and old

by charlyjosefine (charlottetuengen)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Arguing, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mild Smut, Mpreg, Pregnancy, Pregnant Dan Howell, Relationship(s), Self-Hatred, Smut, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2018-09-16 12:03:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 40,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9269615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlottetuengen/pseuds/charlyjosefine
Summary: Dan and Phil has had an argument and they aren't talking, and Dan falls into a pit of slef-hatered. He knows what to do. Phil want's otherwhise. And will Dan tell him his big secret?





	1. But I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Say you won't let go" with James Arthur, and it's the song I'll be using in titles sometimes ;)
> 
> Warning: there is some self-hatered in it!
> 
> This was going to be a one-shot. Then it was going to be two chapters. Now it looks like I'm starting a new story that will be several chapters.
> 
> Requests are greatly appreciated
> 
> English is my second language, so in case you find any spelling or grammar mistakes that bother you, please tell me and I'll fix it
> 
> This is inspired by a prompt and fic I read once, but i wanted to make my own respons to the propmt, so if this is your prompt or your story I'm talking about, and you'd like credit, please tell me!

They hadn’t spoken for five days. That had never happened before. Dan and Phil spoke every single day, even when they were thousands of miles apart. When Phil went to Florida with his family and Dan stayed back in London, even then they would talk every day. They had gotten into a huge argument. It was over something silly but Dan had overreacted. He entirely blamed himself. Or at least his body.

Dan and Phil had spent the past five nights in their own beds. That almost never happened. The few occasions it did, either of them were sick and didn’t want to infect the other. Maybe that was all Phil thought this was, Dan hoped, but he knew it wasn’t why. He knew Phil stayed in his own bedroom at night because he couldn’t stand to share a bed with Dan. Dan was disgusting. He was fat. He was throwing up and gaining weight and eating the most disgusting things. That was not at all what the argument was about, but Dan had already convinced himself that was why Phil wasn’t next to him in his bed. 

Dan was a carrier, meaning he could bear children. And he did. The only problem was that he hadn’t gotten around telling Phil before the argument broke out. Dan was tired and hormonal, carrying an enormous secret that he had no idea how to break to Phil. Something stupid had come up, and Dan had overreacted, yelled at Phil like he was the biggest monster and the reason for all the obstacles in Dan’s life. The only problem was that he wasn’t. Not at all, rather the opposite actually. 

Dan hadn’t gotten the chance to take a pregnancy test before the argument, and after, he’d rather just not know. He had convinced himself he would rather not know, than to know he was caring the child of a person who hated him. He would rather live in uncertainty, than to live with the certainty that he was carrying Phil’s child. Right then, knowing that some part of Phil even controlled his insides, was all he didn’t need. 

It had taken some time before even the thought of a pregnancy had crossed his mind. After that, it had taken a while before he even took the thought seriously. Now, he had been violently throwing up every morning for over a week, trying his uttermost best to keep as quiet as possible so Phil wouldn’t hear it. He felt insecure about his body, convinced his bump was already starting to show. He was eating all the time, the most unhealthy foods and combinations. He spent almost every waking moment in bed, eating and crying or in the bathroom throwing the disgusting food back up. Food was all he wanted and all he couldn’t stand, at once. Once when he was in the kitchen sticking breadsticks in Nutella, Phil had walked in on him, before quickly turning around in the doorway and walking back to his bedroom. Dan had managed to disgust him once again. 

Dan was sat in his bed, hugging his legs, rocking back and forth, chewing on more breadsticks in Nutella. Tears were covering his face. He was convinced Phil hated him. He had told himself that over and over again. The past five days now had been a spiral of darkness. His thoughts had taken over, convinced him of what unworthy piece of trash he was to Phil and to everyone he knew. He was disgusting, useless, hopeless, ugly, fat. He was lazy and annoying. He was stupid and weak. He didn’t deserve Phil. Dan was only depriving someone else, someone much greater than himself, of Phil’s love. And Dan was certain in his decision that this had been going on for too long. Dan wasn’t going to hold Phil back anymore. 

He walked out of bed and opened the door. He stood outside Phil’s bedroom door and inhaled. Exhaled. Inhaled. And knocked.

“Yes?” Phil’s voice wasn’t particularity harsh, though it never was. Phil wasn’t one of those people who screamed. He was one of those people who talked in a controlled tone and then gave you ‘the silent treatment’. Dan hated it. He was a screamer. And sometimes he just wanted Phil to scream back to him, to let go of some anger. 

“I’m not here to yell or argue or discuss. I’m here to tell you we’re done” Dam said once Phil had opened the door and was standing right in front of him.

“Dan, we need to discuss this first,” Phil sounded hurt. His voice was soft and caring. Dan felt the tears coming, but didn’t want to cry. Phil probably already though he was weak. 

“I’m an obstacle in your life, Phil. I’m holding you back from everything and everyone you’re supposed to experience. You don’t want me” the last sentence he said with so much self-hatred. “Why would anyone like you want anyone like me? I’ve been too blind to see all these years. Why would anyone like you want a fat, disgusting, lazy, useless piece of trash like me? I’m annoying, I’m worthless, I’m stupid. Why would you want me Phil?”

“Daniel.” Phil said and Dan could sense he was angry, almost furious. Dan had never seen him like that. Dan was scared of what Phil might do to him. He tried to pull his arm from Phil’s grip, ready to protect himself if Phil started hitting him. “If you think anything of what you just said is true, than you are the most stupid person I’ve ever met”

Without knowing, Dan had slowly started curling into a standing ball, ready to protect his head and now growing bump from any blows that may come his way. He started stretching out again, looking more like a person. 

“What?”

“Dan, you are not any of those things. Who told you that?” Phil’s voice held so much love.

“I…” he couldn’t answer. He didn’t know who had told him those things. No one had told him those things. He had figured them out for himself. Phil gripped his other hand too. Pulled him closer. Stared into his eyes, intro his soul. His blue eyes forcing him to keep eye contact. 

“Is this what you really think of yourself? Is this really what you think that I think of you? I’m slightly offended actually. When I think about it, I’m more than just ‘slightly’ offended. This really hurts me, Dan, to hear that you think that. Do you really think I have been lying to you for all these year? Do you really think I have been lying straight to you face every time I’ve called you beautiful? Pretty? Handsome? Sexy? The most important person in my life? Inspiring? Funny? I love you, Dan. I always have, I always will. Don’t you ever doubt that. From the first time we started talking, you have been my number one. You always will be. You mean everything to me. You’re not a bump in my road, you are my road. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You’re not holding me back from anyone or anything, you are my everyone and everything. You’re all I’ve ever wanted, you’re all I’ll ever want. Dan, I know this is a horrible timing, and I wish I wasn’t about to do this after not talking to you for five days, but I just couldn’t let the speech I just held go to waste. I've been meaning to do this for a long time, but I can never seem to find a perfect time for it. Just a second” Dan stood there in shock. He had felt so many emotions through Phil speaking. At first, he was scared, when Phil said he was offended. Now, he was just crying. Crying and confused. He had no idea what Phil was talking about. Bad timing? What did he mean?

Phil opened his sock drawer and stuck his hand in. He moved it around a little before he found what he was looking for. He took it in his hand and put it behind his back. He walked back in front of Dan and stopped. He looked into his deep brown eyes and whispered, “I love you”. His mind had finally started coming up with a reasonable explanation to Phil’s weird behavior when he knelt down on one knee and pulled out the box he had behind his back. He opened it and showed the content to Dan. 

“Daniel James Howell, will you marry me?”

“Oh my god, Phil? What are you doing?”

“Is that a no?”

“No!”

“What?”

“YES!”

“Dan?”

“Oh my god, Philip Michael Lester, of course I would love to marry you!”

“Oh, thank god, I was so worried for a second”

“Really? Why would you ever think I wouldn’t want to marry you?”

“I doubt myself sometimes, too, you know. You only just tried to break up with me five minutes ago”

“So we are good?”

“We should be, we have a wedding to plan!” Phil exclaimed. Dan looked to the ground, still feeling slightly insecure. He didn’t want to bring up the argument, but he felt he had to. 

“What about the argument? You aren’t still mad?”

“Dan, no. I was never that mad at you”

“Why didn’t you say anything? I’ve been crying and shoving food in my mouth for five days”

“I wanted to give you some space. I hoped - and thought - you would come to me when you were ready. I never even imagined you would dig yourself a whole of self-hatred”

“I’m sorry” he said while still staring at his socks. He looked up into Phil’s eyes and gave him a teasing smile. “Mr. Howell”

“Who said anything about me taking your last name, Mr. Lester?” they laughed. It felt good; the mood was a lot lighter. Phil took Dan’s face in between his hands and planted a proper kiss on the beautiful lips he couldn’t get enough of. 

“You’re my idiot sandwich, Daniel Howell”


	2. I pulled you closer to my chest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan takes the test and tells Phil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me if there's anything you would want from this fic, if there's any direction you would want it to go, and I'll might listen if I don't have any other plans!

Dan hadn’t taken a test and he was not about to tell Phil he was pregnant without being sure. He wasn’t going to ruin this. He thought Phil would be excited about a baby, and he was not going to have to tell him that their “baby” was just a stomach flu.

He was standing in the pharmacy facing the wall of contraception and pregnancy tests. He picked out one that was meant for carriers. He held it in his hand, stared at it. He went up to the checkout and paid. He left the store and went home. 

All the way home he kept thinking that he wasn’t ready for this. He didn’t want kids. Not yet, at least. He was too young. They were at the peak of their careers, not ready to give them up. This was an inconvenience right now. He would be fat and ugly at such a young age. They were even too irresponsible for this. It took them four years to figure out the weird smell was a gas leak and not the old carpet. Phil’s houseplant had barely lasted two years. They lived off cereal. They stayed up all night and slept all day. They could barely take care of themselves, how on Earth were they supposed to take care of a tiny human being who’s entire existence relied upon then? Dan had decided for himself that they were not ready and this was way too early. 

He went into the apartment and found that Phil was still asleep. That’s the thing about being up before noon; he’d be alone. Another reason they were totally unfit to care for a child.

He locked himself in the bathroom in case Phil surprised and actually got up. He read the instructions and followed them. He put his phone on a timer; he wouldn’t want to look before the test was clear. He sat on the floor with his back against the door. The test was resting on the sink. He was not ready for this.  
The alarm went off. He got up off the floor. He looked in the ceiling as he picked up the test. He held it in both his hands. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He opened his eyes and started exhaling at the same time. 

Negative.

The test was negative. 

There was no baby. 

Dan had to put a hand over his mouth so he wouldn’t let out a noise. He leaned up against the door and slid down on the floor. 

“No” was all he could say. Water was pooling up in his eyes. He was inhaling and exhaling short breaths, almost at the verge of an anxiety attack. This could not be happening. He was sure. He was so sure a baby was the reason. How could he not be pregnant? He felt so guilty about all the things he had though on the way home.  
“Oh, little baby, I didn’t mean that. Of course I wanted you. We want you. Oh, no, please don’t be gone” he was whispering to his abdomen while stroking it. He was so sure it was starting to form a bump. Guess he was just fat, then. 

He had imagined the future because he was so sure. He was so sure it was positive, he had already started planning for a baby. He had seen a future with a little child. He was so sure. How could he not be? He was throwing up, he was moody, he had gained weight, eating more than usual. Guess he was just a failure of a person then.  
He couldn’t keep it in anymore and let out a loud sob. Only he didn’t think it would be /that/ loud. He gave up trying to restrain himself. He cried. Shortly after, he heard a knock on the door and Phil’s soft voice. 

“Dan, are you okay?” Dan couldn’t answer, only cry. He had disappointed Phil. He couldn’t even create a baby, that’s how useless he was.

“Dan, please let me in” he didn’t want to. He didn’t want Phil to see him like this. He didn’t want Phil to know, didn’t want to have to explain.

“Daniel, honey, please” he realized all he wanted was for Phil to hold him close and comfort him. He leaned forward, turned his upper body and unlocked the door. He leaned towards the doorframe instead of the door. It opened. 

Dan pulled his legs to his chest, the test still in his hand. He leaned his face into his knees as Phil opened the door. He kneeled next to him and put a hand on his back.

“Hey, what’s bothering you?” Phil tried to be gentle. Dan though about not telling him for a second, before handing him the negative test. 

“Dan, it’s negative,” Phil said questioning. Dan let out another loud sob.

“And that’s what’s wrong?” Phil tried. “You wanted it to be positive?”

“NO” Dan said a little too loud while lifting up his head and looking at Phil with red eyes. Phil closed the door and sat down next to him. He stretched his left arm around Dan’s shoulders. 

“Do you want to explain?” Phil said softly. Dan hid his face in his knees again.

“Not really”

“It’s okay. We can just sit here in silence for a little bit” Phil kissed his head. Dan looked up at him again.

“It’s just… I’ve been throwing up and gaining weight. I’m constantly hungry and moody. I was sure I was pregnant. I was so sure. And I was convinced we weren’t ready and this was a stupid idea. But Phil, I want this. I didn’t even know until I lost it, but I want this child” Dan leaned his head on Phil’s shoulder and continued sobbing. 

“We can make a baby happen, Dan” Phil tried.

“But what is wrong with me then? I was so convinced because all the signs were there”

“Are you sure the test is correct?”

“What?”

“I do not mean to give you false hope here, so please don’t get too excited, but the test might be wrong, you know” Phil said. Dan thought about it for a few seconds.  
“I don’t know if I can take another negative”

“What about going to the doctor? Then you’ll get to know what’s up even if it’s not a pregnancy” Dan looked up at him with red puppy eyes. Phil hugged him a little tighter.

“Fine” Dan paused. “I’ll call my doctor”

\--------------------

“Google says it’s probably cancer”

“Dan…” Phil was interrupted.

“Or heart decease. Internal bleeding. Severe infection” Dan stared out in the thin air.

“Daniel, you have to stop googling your symptoms. It’s probably nothing. Just a stomach bug or food poisoning”

“I’ve been throwing up for two weeks. That’s /not/ food poisoning”

“Daniel Howell” a nurse called. They got up and walked over to the door she was holding open for them and into the office.

“What can I help you with today?” the doctor asked. He was a handsome young man. Dan found his looks intimidating. 

Dan explained his symptoms. The doctor asked if he was sure he wasn’t pregnant. Dan said he had taken a home test that turned out negative. The doctor said they would need to take a blood test and urine sample. He asked Dan to lay down on his table. Dan did and he lifted up his shirt. The doctor put on gloves before he started massaging Dan’s stomach. 

“Hm… Interesting…” and other mumbling noises was all they got from the doctor.

“Can you say anything about what it can be?” Phil asked. He sounded worried.

“I might have a suspicion, but I wouldn’t want to alarm you in case I’m wrong. Nothing too serious though. We’ll just take the tests and wait and see,” the doctor said, but Dan worried. Why wouldn’t the doctor tell him? That must mean something was wrong.

Dan stared into Phil’s blue eyes while the nurse took his blood. He didn’t like needles and Phil’s eyes had always been a comfort to him. He flinched when the needle penetrated his skin. He squeezed Phil’s hand a little tighter. Phil smiled at him, made him feel safe. 

“There we go. Now you only have to deliver a urine sample and you’re good to go” the nurse smiled at him. He did as he was told and they left. 

The though wouldn’t leave his mind. If there was nothing to worry about, the doctor would have told them it was nothing. The fact that he didn’t tell them seemed alarming to Dan. He didn’t know if he wanted to bother Phil with his overthinking. Dan tried to convince himself it was only that; his normal overreacting. 

“What’s wrong?” Phil asked on the way home. 

“Nothing” Dan blew him off. 

“Are you sure? You look worried. Please don’t worry about this Dan, please don’t convince yourself this is worse than it really is. It could be nothing; he just didn’t want to give us false hope in case he is wrong. He said he was pretty sure he knew what it was, and if that would have been something bad, he would have done more than a blood test and a urine sample” 

“It’s just… I don’t know. I mean, why wouldn’t he just tell me? I would want to know”

“He said it would take up to two weeks to get the results, so let’s just wait until then. No crazy theories or thinking the worst. No worrying, Dan”

“Because that’s what I always do, isn’t it? I worry too much? I make up crazy theories? I overreact?” Dan was angry, practically yelling at Phil.

“Dan, that’s not what I meant. I just…” Phil couldn’t finish before Dan interrupted him.

“What did you mean then Phil?”

“Let’s not think about the possible answers, but just live like normal instead”

“How can I not worry when I might be dying? I’m not ready to die” Dan sobbed. He was at the verge of tears now. This wasn’t anger, Phil though, this was pure fear. Dan was scared.

“You’re not going to die, sweetie” Phil said and pulled Dan in for a hug. He held the boy to his chest and comforted him. Dan hugged back. That was a good sign. 

“But what if I do?”

“Then we’ll take it from there. Let’s not worry about that now” Phil wanted to blow the whole thing off by mentioning non-life-threatening things this could be, but other than pregnancy, he couldn’t think of any.


	3. I'll wake you up with some breakfast in bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They get an answer from the doctor, and it's something neither of them expected

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't realize it had been over a month, and I've had this slightly shorter chapter on my computer for a while, i just have't been in the mood to write anything more, so I never published it, but I will now. This chapter is only 1300 words, agains about 1700 from the other two... 
> 
> Requests, hopes and expectations about where the story is going is highly apprecited, even more now that I have a slight writers block. I want to satisfy you with this story, and I can't do that if I don't know what you want from it

“Daniel Howell, this is your doctor. I would like to have you come in for the results. It’s sensitive information and I would be more comfortable discussing it in person rather than over the phone”

“It’s that bad…” Dan though out loud. 

“Not at all” Dan though it sounded like his doctor was smiling.

“As soon as possible, please. I’ve been really worried”

“Of course. No need to worry, though. You’ll be just fine,” the doctor said. They agreed an appointment two days later. 

\--------------------

Dan had just gotten up, not at all ready for the doctor’s appointment. He was stood in front of their bathroom mirror brushing his teeth. He could swear he was getting bigger. It was not much, and it couldn’t really be called a bump even, but his stomach was slightly standing out from his hips. He didn’t like looking that closely on himself in the mirror, so it might have been there before, but Dan was almost certain it had developed recently. 

“I’m not pregnant!” Dan said out loud. He had to stop thinking about what Phil said about the test being wrong. It wasn’t wrong. Dan was not pregnant. And if he was, it must have happened the past few weeks after the negative test, and he wouldn’t be this big already. 

Dan and Phil had been having sex a lot more frequently the past weeks, as Dan had realized he too were ready for a child. Phil had been ready for a while, he just didn’t want to say anything so Dan would feel pressured. If Phil had said something, Dan was sure he would have felt pressured. He didn’t think he wanted kids until the whole incident with the negative test. 

When Dan was so upset about the negative result, Phil had though Dan wanted it too and told him. Dan didn’t know what to think. Apparently, he didn’t know himself. Apparently, he wanted it. So they had tried. A lot. If Dan wasn’t pregnant now, he probably never could be. 

Phil came into the bathroom and stopped behind Dan. He wrapped his hands around his waist and kissed Dan’s neck. He inhaled Dan’s scent. 

“Are you ready to know?” Phil asked. Dan spit and put away his toothbrush.

“Not at all” 

“It’ll be okay. Whatever the answer is, we’re in this together, okay?”

“Okay” Dan said and turned around. He kissed Phil good morning. He slightly pushed Phil’s fringe out of his eyes and smiled. 

“I love you,” he added.

“I love you too,” Phil answered. 

\--------------------

Dan was looking at the ground. He was chewing his bottom lip. His body was clammy. Holding Phil’s hand in his. Phil was looking at him. He knew Dan was nervous. Dan couldn’t help but be worried. He was prepared for the worst. Maybe expecting the worst even. Dan was ready in case the doctor told him he had cancer. In case the doctor told him he was dying. Dan was as prepared as he could be. What he was not at all prepared for, was what the doctor actually told him. 

 

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Daniel” he paused. Dan looked up at him with surprise. He was about to say something when the doctor continued. “Unless you count ‘being pregnant’ as wrong”

Neither of the boys knew how to respond. Not even what to think. Dan had convinced himself the negative result was right. He hadn’t let himself have even a slight hope in fear of disappointment. He refused to think there was a possibility. He couldn’t wrap his head around this. When neither of them said anything, the doctor continued.

“The test you took must have been wrong. They’re usually reliable, but not always. I’m so sorry about that, but there’s nothing we can do about that now” he paused, unsure of how to continue. “I would estimate your baby to be about 9 weeks”

“9 weeks” Dan whispered to himself. The doctor continued talking about procedures and follow ups. He asked if they had questions. They said they didn’t have any right now. The doctor gave them some leaflets.

“Your baby looks healthy. Just the right size. Nothing at all to worry about” he smiled at them. 

\--------------------

He was stroking his stomach. There was indeed a bump there. Now that he was aware there should be one, he could see it more obviously. He had denied it for weeks now. The confirmation that it was something in there, made the bump more visible to Dan. There was something in there. Someone. A baby. His baby. Phil’s baby. Their baby. A little bean that would eventually grow into a human. 

He was standing in front of the mirror, admiring his bump from the side. Stroking it. Hands going down. Hands going up. Hands resting on either side. The baby was just over two months. In seven months, he would be able to hold them in his arms. Seven months seemed so far away, yet so close. Today he was the closest he’d ever been to his baby, tomorrow he’d be even closer.

“You look beautiful. Both of you” Phil was in the doorway. He smiled. Dan hadn’t heard him show up and jumped a little at his voice. “I’m sorry, didn’t mean to scare you”

Phil seemed in a particularly good mood. He walked over to Dan and hugged him from behind. He put his hands on top of Dan’s, which was still resting on either side of his bump. He leaned his head on Dan’s shoulder and admired them all in the mirror. They stood there for a few minutes, just enjoying, smiling, being close. 

“Are my two favorite people hungry?”

“You’ve known about him for three days. How can he be your favorite person?” Dan laughed.

“Daniel?” Phil got serious and lifted his head off Dan’s shoulder. Dan was a little scared. “Are you assuming the gender of our child?”

Dan was taken aback and didn’t know what to respond for a second. 

“I…” he paused. “I just did, didn’t I? I’m so sorry, it won’t happen again” he dared to joke and laugh once Phil’s face cracked into a smile.

“Good. Anyways, food?”

“Always” Dan answered with a smiled and they walked over to the kitchen. When he figured out Phil was planning pancakes, he was overly excited. The morning sickness had stopped about a week earlier and he was ready to stuff his face with something delicious. He loved being able to blame his huge food intake on the fact that he was eating for two. Now he could look like a whale – and eat like one – and people wouldn’t judge him. It was even expected of him to eat a lot, and he loved it. 

Phil had quickly gotten more protective and willing to do stuff around the house, and even though Dan felt guilty, he enjoyed it more than he would let on. Phil had insisted it was a pleasure. It was ‘his job as a daddy to take care of the mommy’ as he had so insistently told Dan. Usually ‘mommy’ would have bothered him, but coming from Phil, he couldn’t help but find it a little adorable. “I’m not a ‘mommy’” he had tried to say in a strict way, but his good mood couldn’t help but leak through in his voice. “Whatever” Phil had responded, mumbling ‘mommy’ to himself afterwards. 

One of the things Phil had insisted on doing was cooking. So now he was standing in front of a pan making pancakes for his pregnant boyfriend. And he couldn’t have asked for a better situation to be in. ‘Pancakes’, ‘pregnant’ and ‘boyfriend’ was the three best thing he knew. Only one thing would be better; when the two p’s and a b turned into two b’s and a p.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For clarification;  
> Two p's and a b = pancakes, pregnant, boyfriend  
> Two b's and a p = boyfriend, baby, pancakes
> 
> Again, requests, hopes and expectations about where the story is going is highly apprecited!


	4. I'll bring you coffee with a kiss on your head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Preggo Dan has cravings - domestic and fluffy I guess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to @WithoutFandomsIamNothing for the requests, it's solely because of you this chapter happened (at least so soon after the previous). I'll try and meet more of your suggestions in the upcoming chapters  
> Hope you like it - some cravings, some fluff and some Daddy Phil
> 
> Warning: slight sexual reference (very slight) and lots of mention of food (I got hungry from writing it, keep in mind you might get hungry from reading it)
> 
>  
> 
> Also, I found this website where they compare fetus' size with fruit, and I think it's really cool, so I'll keep doing that
> 
> Keep commenting your wants, hopes and expectations for this fic and I'll do the best that I can! Your comments really keep me going

Dan turned around and moved closer to Phil. His chest and bump was touching Phil’s back now. He wrapped an arm around his boyfriend. He kept his eyes closed and let out a breath.

“Phil?” Dan waited for an answer. When he didn’t get one, he kissed Phil’s neck and tried again. “Phil? Are you awake?”

“I am now,” Phil said in a soft voice. “What time is it?”

“9:15”

“And you are awake because….?” 

“Baby’s hungry” Dan whispered in Phil’s ear.

“And what does baby want?”

“Pancakes” Dan said. “And sausages, eggs, bacon, omelet”

“Really?” Phil was a little taken aback by the fact that Dan was talking about actual food, which was not what Phil had expected from the sensual way Dan had talked to him. 

“Can we have breakfast at McDonalds today?”

“Sure”

“Then we’ll have to get out of bed because breakfast closes in just over an hour”

“Everything for you baby” Phil said and leaned carefully back against Dan’s warm body. He could feel the bump against his lower back more obviously now. Dan was 14 weeks along. Their child was the size of a nectarine. Since they found out, their baby had grown from the size of a cherry to the size of a nectarine. Almost 9 cm of baby growing inside Dan, giving him, for now, a small bump that Phil liked to just look at. Phil turned around facing Dan. He put his left hand under his pillow. He pushed the fringe out of Dan’s eyes and he opened them. Phil smiled at his fiancé who smiled back. He took his right hand away from Dan’s face and placed it on his bump. He started drawing random patterns with his fingers.

\--------------------

“I’ll have…. A Sausage McMuffin with Egg…. And Hotcakes…. You know what, actually, I’ll take a Big Breakfast with Hotcakes. Does that have bacon?”

“No, but we can add it if you’d like”

“Yes, I’d like that”

“And what about you sir?”

“I’ll just have Fruit & Maple Oatmeal and a coffee,” Phil said.

“Way to make me feel bad about eating a lot,” Dan said in an annoyed tone. “Also, I’ll have a big orange juice, please” he added to the girl behind the counter.

“What would you like me to get?” Phil asked Dan in an as soft way he could before he wrapped his arm around Dan’s hip and kissed his shoulder. 

“A Big Breakfast? You don’t have to do the Hotcakes if you’re not that hungry”

“Okay” Phil said to the girl. “Not oatmeal then, but a regular Big Breakfast”

“One Big Breakfast with Hotcakes and one without, one large orange juice and a coffee?” she repeated.

“Anything more you’d like, love?” Phil asked and looked up at Dan.

“No, I think I’m good” Dan smiled at the girl. They sat down at some high chairs close to the counter while they waited for their food. 

“I’m sorry” Dan started but continued shortly after, explaining himself. “For forcing you to eat something you didn’t want”

“Daniel” Phil paused while he put a hand on Dan’s knee. “You’re eating for two, which makes you eat more than normal and more than me, but people can’t see that yet, and I get that it makes you feel bad. Just know that you shouldn’t. And if you want me to eat a lot with you, I will” he smiled at his boyfriend.

“Thank you” Dan smiled back.

“I just might have to throw up sometimes to be able to eat it all” He joked. When Dan smiled wider, he dared to add, “like you’ve been doing for weeks”

“Hey, that’s not fair” Dan laughed. Phil laughed with him.

The girl behind the counter looked their way and said “Your food” with a smile. They went over to get it together. All the food was on one tray and Phil took it upon himself to carry it. As there were no free tables downstairs, Phil looked towards the stairs, then towards his boyfriend with a concerned look.

“I’ll be fine” Dan said and smiled. “I’m not quite a whale yet, even though I feel like one sometimes”

Phil laughed at him, but only after seeing Dan’s genuine smile. He let Dan walk up the stairs first. Dan picked a four-person table by the window so they could look out at the city waking up. They put their jackets on the chairs next to them. Phil took his food off the tray and pushed it towards Dan.

“I’m starving” Dan said. “And this smells so good”

It was all Dan managed to say before his mouth was full of food. They didn’t talk much, too busy eating. 

“Are you gonna eat that?” Dan asked and nodded towards the rest of the food on Phil plate.

“No, you can have it” he smiled. Dan looked up at him with what Phil figured to be guilty eyes. “Baby can have it”

“I’m sorry”

“Don’t be. Baby need food to grow into a healthy and strong one”

“But this food?” Dan laughed.

“Maybe not” Phil laughed back and took a sip of his coffee. 

\--------------------

Phil put away their tray. He then walked over to Dan and grabbed his hand and kissed his cheek.

“What do you want to do now?” he asked. 

“I want to go home” Dan smiled. They walked down the stairs and out of the restaurant in silence, hand in hand. They continued down the street in silence. After not too long they came to a grocery store.

“I need some stuff” Dan said and looked askingly at Phil.

“Sure,” Phil said before they crossed the road. Inside the store, Dan headed straight to the candy isle. “Maltesers?”

“No, chocolate makes me sick, I want gummy bears”

“Chocolate makes you sick?” Phil looked at his boyfriend and smiled with amazement. Dan shot him an annoyed look, but his face quickly turned into a grin before he grabbed several bags of gummy bears. As soon as they were out the door of the store, Dan opened a bag and started eating. Phil put an arm around Dan’s waist. He would have liked to hold his boyfriend’s hand, but his hands were busy with something way more important: stuffing gummy bears in his mouth. 

The air outside was slightly cold and it was nice having a body to warm oneself against. They walked close to each other all the way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm obsessed with Phil calling Dan "love" so that will not stop
> 
> Phil does not intent at all to be mean towards Dan with his comments and that's the reason he waits until he's sure Dan's smiling before he says them. Phil is kind of tip-toing around Dan to make sure he's happy, but not to a point where it affects Phil in a negative way, he just want's Dan to be happy (which I find very fluffy and cute, so that's why I've made such a point of it). Phil is very concerned with Dan's well-being and happiness and that he feels good about himself, and personally I think it's very cute


	5. You made me feel as though I was enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're watching TV when Dan feels what can only be described as a small jump under his hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've really gotten back into writing, so here you have another chapter! It's a little short, but I promise there will be another one very soon.

Dan and Phil was laying on the couch watching anime. Their bodies were forming a V so they could lean on each other. Dan’s head was resting on Phil’s shoulder and Phil’s head was resting on Dan’s. They each has a blanket covering their legs. While Dan’s left hand was resting in Phil’s with Phil massaging little circles into his skin, his right hand was resting on his ever-growing bump. He was 19 weeks along now and Phil had made a point of their baby’s size that very morning by buying mangos. According to some website Phil had bookmarked, that was how big their bundle was. 15 cm of joy growing inside Dan. 

He still couldn’t believe it. He was currently making a human. This very moment his body was making a human inside him. He looked down at his bump with awe. He, a useless boy, was able to make an entire being with arms and legs and a brain who could think amazing think and with a unique…. Dan’s thought trail was immediately stopped when he felt what he only could describe as a little jump under his right hand. He stared at the bulge in his shirt. When nothing happened for a couple of seconds, he went back to his thoughts. Where was he? Unique personality, yes. An individual who would grow up to have their own thoughts and opinions and… And there it was again. He decided to stare at his stomach until it happened again. If it did. And after a few seconds it did.

“Phil?”

“Yeah?” Phil moved his gaze from the TV to his boyfriend.

“Give me your hand,” Dan said.

“Is everything alright, love?” 

“There it was again” Dan exclaimed when he felt the jumping sensation again. “Give me your hand!”

Phil looked at his fiancé, but sat up in the couch and gave him his hand. Dan took it in his and put in on his bump. Shortly after the jumping appeared again.

“Did you feel that?” Dan asked.

“Yes! What was that?”

“I don’t know. It has happened several times now, with some seconds in-between.”

“It’s not kicking?”

“I don’t think so. The doctors said that since it’s my first pregnancy, I probably won’t experience it for another few weeks. Also, I don’t think kicking would be that light.”

“It’s almost like…” Phil stopped when the baby jumped again. “It’s almost like hiccups!”

“Hiccups?”

“Yes, I read that somewhere actually. From about week 18 you might be able to feel the baby having hiccups”

“They have the hiccups” Dan laughed and sat up. He stared down at his bump. He put his hand back on his stomach where Phil’s hand was still resting. His entire face was one big smile. Phil scooched closer to Dan but kept his left hand as close as physically possible to their baby. He placed his right hand on Dan’s hip and kissed his jaw. 

Phil noticed a mixed feeling in his stomach. He was eternally happy they were having a baby together, don’t get him wrong, and most of the time he was happy it was Dan’s body who had the job of making their child. But times like these he wish he could be even closer to their miracle, that he was the one that was able to feel the movements of their baby. They wouldn’t be able to feel the kicking from the outside for another couple of weeks, but Dan had been able to feel the baby moving and growing for a long time now. Phil didn’t like to think like this, and he tried to avoid it, but he was almost jealous sometimes. When Dan wasn’t feeling good, it hurt Phil’s heart and he wished he was the one in pain or throwing up so he wouldn’t have to see the love of his life like this. But when positive things happened, which there was going to be many more of in the future, he secretly wished he was the one who could feel for real. 

Dan had told Phil that for a long period in his life, he had been ashamed of being a carrier. Even though it was mostly accepted these days, it wasn’t that easy 10-15 years ago, especially as a teenager in a small city. He had tried his best to hide it from people; it had even taken him a rather long time to tell Phil. Phil didn’t see it as a curse, he never had, he saw it as a blessing, and that had quickly started to rub off on Dan. At least inside their four walls, Dan was now proud of the fact that he was able to bare children. Out in public, he was still struggling a bit, but luckily, they now lived in a rather liberal big city. It made it easier. Before he became pregnant, no one would know he was a carrier, but with his now big bump, people could tell. 

“I love you Daniel, and I know I’ve said this several times before, but we’re so lucky you’re a carrier. And I hope you know that now. I wish you always knew that, but as long as you know now, that’s all I can hope for. I’m so grateful for this, Daniel” With his left hand still on the bump, he started stroking it. Dan was looking at his boyfriend now with tears in his eyes. He inhaled, trying to keep the water from spilling out. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. “I know now”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is sex reveal and maybe also discussing names, but if it gets too long, names will be the next one after that


	6. I knew I loved you then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sex reveal of the baby!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Very soon" yeah right.. But here it is. I wrote this a while ago, don't know why I never posted it. Also, I don't know when the next chapter will be out, but sftay tuned! :)
> 
> (this goes for all chapters) But I've never been pregnant or had children, so anything I describe related to that is either fiction or research. I don't know everything and I'm sorry if there's any factual errors

Dan was 20 weeks along and they were in the car on their way to the mid-pregnancy check-up. They were to know the sex of the baby if they wanted to, which they had agreed that they wanted. Not that it really mattered. They had come to a mutual agreement that this child was to be raised as gender-neutral as possible. No pink /or/ blue, no dolls /or/ trucks, no dresses /or/ dungarees. They would do both. They were a homosexual couple with a biological child, they were liberal to say the least; there was no way the raising of this child was going to be conservative. 

“Banana” Phil said out of the blue.

“Banana?” Dan questioned.

“Yeah, it’s the fruit of the week. The baby is about the size of a banana. At least the length”

“How long is bananas?” Dan wondered out loud, holding his fingers in front of him.

“The baby is about 16,5 cm from head to bottom. I read that for the first half of the pregnancy babies are measured head to bottom as their legs are curled up against their torso. After 20 weeks it’s easier to measure the whole baby, so this week it’s about 25,5 cm from head to toe”

“Really?” Dan exclaimed.

“Yeah”

“You never fail to surprise me with your facts, Phil,” Dan laughed.

They walked hand in hand into the doctor’s office. They registered at the desk, sat down in chairs and waited for their name to be called. They were still holding hands and Dan leaned his head against Phil’s shoulder. 

“Are you ready, love?” Phil asked.

“Not really” Dan breathed out. 

“Daniel Howell” a nurse called. They got up from their chairs and walked through the door she held open for them. They went into the doctor’s office where their doctor met them with a bright smile as usual.

“How are you today, Daniel?”

“I’m doing pretty good, actually. They’re getting heavier and I have some trouble sleeping well, but other than that I feel fine”

“For your sleep there are some general tips” she said and found a leaflet. She mentioned some of them aloud before handing the leaflet to Phil, who gladly took it. “With the raising weight of your baby, I can’t help you, and it’s only going to be worse, unfortunately.”

“Can you please lay down for me and pull up your shirt, so I’ll be able to do an ultrasound of you” she said and got up from her chair to walk over to the machine.

Dan did as he was told and walked over to the bed. He took his jacket off and gave it to Phil. He laid down and pulled his t-shirt up, exposing his ever-growing bump. Phil sat down in the chair next to the bed and stretched out his hand. Dan took it in his and squeezed it lightly as he looked at Phil and smiled.

“This might be a little cold,” the doctor said as she picked up a bottle and opened it. Dan stared at his bump while she applied the clear blue liquid. Phil was massaging southing circles into his skin. She put her probe to Dan’s skin and started moving it around. 

“Here you see the head,” she pointed at the screen and paused a little. She continued while moving the probe over Dan’s bump. “Here’s the arms, you can see the body here”

“Would you like to know the sex of your baby?” she asked when she stopped the probe. Dan made eye contact with Phil, who smiled and nodded, before looking back at the doctor.

“Yes, please” he said with a smile. She moved the probe slightly. 

 

“Here is the genitalia of your baby, and as far as I can tell, you’re having a little boy” she said and looked at the expecting parents with a smile. Dan squeezed Phil’s hand and looked at him. 

Everything felt a little more real now. Not that gender mattered, it really didn’t, and it wouldn’t make a difference at all, but knowing that their baby wasn’t just a lump of flesh, but a little boy made it feel so real. In about four and a half months they would have a beautiful little boy in their arms. They hadn’t seen him yet, but they already knew he was beautiful. How could something their love created not be beautiful? He would be 50% Phil, who Dan thought was the most beautiful man alive, and 50% Dan, who Phil thought was the most beautiful man alive. 

Dan could feel a pulling sensation in his chest when he looked at their child. It was unbelievable how much he already loved their little boy. This was unlike anything he had felt before. Sure, he loved Phil more than he thought he could ever love anyone, but there was something special about their baby. He could feel little butterflies in his stomach and a weird pulling in his heart when he looked at the baby on the screen. 

Their baby.

Dan hadn’t realized he was crying until Phil whipped away tears from his cheeks. He turned his head and looked at his fiancé. His face was covered in the most loving smile.

“Tell me what you’re thinking” Phil said and leaned his head close to Dan’s body on the bed.

“He’s so beautiful,” Dan almost whispered. “It doesn’t matter whether it is a boy or a girl; they’re already the most beautiful thing in the world. Our little blob. And I almost can’t describe it, Phil, how looking at them make me feel” he looked up at the ceiling and inhaled. He looked back at his boyfriend and continued. “It’s like butterflies are surrounding him in there and that one of them has escaped and is hugging my heart”

“The tugging in your heart is what it’s like to be a parent,” the doctor said. “Every time you look at your child, for the rest of their lives, you’ll feel a tugging in your heart and what may feel like an unnatural instinct to protect them and make sure they’re the happiest little person on the planet”

“You have kids?” Phil asked.

“I have two daughters. And even though my oldest is 17, I still feel the tugging in my heart whenever they’re smiling. It physically hurts me every time they’re sad or upset, and it gives butterflies every time they’re happy or proud. I don’t think it ever stops, at least I hasn’t for me”


	7. Does it bother anyone else that someone else has your name?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baby get's a name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank Mariah for name suggestions and the everlasting support, without you this fic would not have been this active
> 
> Also, just for today, I've used another song for the chapter title (Forest by TØP)
> 
> It doesn't say so in the fic, and I didn't know how to include it, but Dan is 22 weeks

When Phil walked into the living room that morning, Dan was sat on the couch with his legs folded up under him, almost like he was meditating. His belly was hanging over his feet and there was a box of ice cream resting on top of his bump. Dan was eating straight from it with a spoon. 

“Good morning, sunshine. How are you feeling today?” Phil said as he sat down next to his boyfriend. 

“Pretty good, actually. I just wanted some ice cream”

“Do you want some proper breakfast?”

“Like what?”

“I’ll make whatever you want, love” Phil said and smiled. This was indeed a good morning.

“I really don’t feel like eating food, but I’m hungry. Do we have some fruit or something?” Dan asked. Phil got up and headed to the kitchen. He opened the bottom drawer only to realize they didn’t have any fruit. 

“We don’t have any fruit, honey. Would you like me to run to the store real quick?”

“If you wouldn’t mind?”

“Not at all, what do you want?”

“Oranges?”

“Okay, I’ll be right back” Phil said and disappeared out the door. Dan kept eating his ice cream and watching the show that was on TV. He texted Phil telling him to buy some ice cream as well, preferably vanilla.

Phil was back only half an hour later. When he entered the living room, he was holding some light orange-ish fruit or vegetable in his hand, one that Dan couldn’t quite name. It was big, almost like a small melon.

“What is that? A mutant mango?”

“Dan, it’s a papaya” Phil said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “This week, baby is about the size of a papaya”

Dan put the ice cream on the table and took the fruit in his hands. 

“This is huge”

“He’s about 28 cm,” Phil said. Dan looked from the fruit, up at his boyfriend.

“Shouldn’t we find a name for him soon?”

“Do you have your suggestions?”

“Yeah” Dan said. “Can I have an orange first?”

“Of course” Phil said and picked an orange out of his bag. He went to the kitchen and came back with a plate for the peel and some paper towels. Phil sat down with his legs crossed as well, facing Dan.

“Okay, hit me”

“What?”

“With name suggestions” Phil said in a sarcastic tone. Spending too many years with Dan’s sarcastic ass had rubbed off on him. 

“Oh, yeah” Dan had turned slightly and was now facing Phil. “It’s really hard, like I want it to be something kind of original, but then again not something too weird. Like a middle ground between James and Yazi”

“I was thinking the same thing, like none of those used up names that everyone has”

“Like our names?” Dan said and laughed.

“Exactly” Phil laughed. 

“I was scrolling through the internet and I came across these nature names and I really like River,” Phil said, a little nervous that Dan would hate his suggestion. 

“River?” Dan chewed the name, tasting it. “I like it”

“Really?” Phil said excitedly. “And Rain” He paused. “I also found Cloud, but that might be a little too weird”

“Yeah. I had some a little more traditional names in mind,” Dan said, still peeling his orange. “Like Oliver. Or Alexander”

“I like that” Phil said. 

“Maybe Thomas or Liam” he continued. “That’s the four I ended up with”

Both Dan and Phil were acting nervous. They had found names they loved and had gotten attached to and the last thing they wanted was for the other to not like them. Or even worse; that they would agree that they liked the name just to avoid upsetting the other person. 

“Those are not that common and also nice. I like them” Phil said in a calm voice.

“Do you have anything more?” Dan asked. Phil read through the list on his phone once more.

“Of the rather alternative ones that I like, I have Blue”

“Oh, I love that” Dan said.

 

“Blue Alexander” Phil mumbled. 

“Blue Alexander” Dan said out loud. “I love it”

Phil looked at Dan with questioning eyes. His entire face was a soft smile. His eyes where filled with love, for his baby and for his fiancé. He nodded.

“There we have it”

“Are you sure?” Phil asked. “I wanted you to pick the first name”

“It’s perfect,” Dan said. His smile quickly disappeared from his face. “But only if you like it” he said in a nervous tone.

“I love it” Phil’s face turned into a huge smile, just as Dan’s did too. 

“Blue Alexander Lester” Dan said. Phil looked at him.

“It honestly fits better with Blue Alexander Howell,” Phil said.

“It does not,” Dan denied. 

“It does” Phil said calmly. “How about a compromise?”

“No last name? Like Beyoncé, the one and only queen”

“Elizabeth would be offended if she knew what her people said about her,” Phil laughed. “No, I meant both. Like Howell-Lester”

“Fine, but why mine first? Why not Lester-Howell?”

“As I said, Howell fits better after Alexander,” Phil said. “Also, it’s alphabetical”

“Who cares about ‘alphabetical order’?” Dan said in his usual mocking tone. Phil looked at him and laughed.

“Blue Alexander Howell-Lester”

“Poor baby” Dan said before he looked down on his bump. “You’re never going to learn how to spell your own name”


	8. Good night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, this chapter is only 67 words, but it's my fic and I wanted it to be an own chapter, so deal wth it...
> 
> There will be another chapter later today (European time) of about 1500 words, which I'm pretty sure is going to be the longest chapter yet...
> 
> I just loved this little chapter so much!

That night, Dan and Phil was lying in bed with their backs against each other. 

“Good night, Dan” Phil whispered in a soft voice.

“Good night, Phil” Dan answered in the same tone.

“Good night, Blue” Phil added and Dan could help but smile. He felt little butterflies in his stomach and warmth in his chest. 

“Good night, Blue” Dan whispered, too quiet for anyone to hear.


	9. We've come so far my dear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Protective daddy Phil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heres the longer chapter I ppromised! 
> 
> Warning: theres some negativity towards the end, even though it's not like spelled out

When Dan woke up, he though it smelled a little weird in their bedroom. In fact, it made him sick. After tossing and turning for a few minutes, he realized there was no way he was going to fall asleep again when it smelled like this. It was passed 11 am and Phil was already up.

He sat up before attempting to get up, which no longer was as easy as it seemed. He was wearing an oversized t-shirt and figured that was enough for now. He went over to the door and opened it, and with that, the disgusting smell intensified. He covered his face with his elbow and went towards the kitchen. He stopped in the doorway and looked at his fiancé.

“Good morning, love” Phil greeted in a happy tone. It was indeed a beautiful Saturday morning. 

“What are you making” Dan almost choked out.

“I’m just cooking some bacon, love, are you okay?” Phil looked concerned at his boyfriend. 

“Not really” Dan said, “The smell is making me sick”

“Oh, I’m so sorry I’ll stop it right away”

“No, no, you don’t need to do that” Dan didn’t want to force Phil to throw out his breakfast. “I’ll just go take a shower and you eat your breakfast and then we’ll go for a walk or something”

“Sounds good. Dan, I’m so sorry”

“It’s not your fault, you didn’t know” Dan said and left for their bathroom.

Their bathroom was far away from their kitchen and the door had been closed, so it was a freespace from the strangling smell that had taken over their apartment. He opened the window slightly to make sure he got some fresh air. He stepped into their shower after making sure the water was perfectly warm. It was a relief to have the water hit his shoulders and run down his back and chest. It felt soothing over his swollen bump. It was getting bigger what seemed like every day. The skin was tearing up, leaving stretch marks Dan hated. Phil on the other hand, made sure to occasionally kiss them and say they where beautiful. He called them battle scars. Dan was fighting a battle creating little baby Blue. 

He turned the water off and started massaging shampoo into his hair. He loved taking showers, they were so calming. He poured soap in his hand and started coating his body. It felt nice to carefully rub the skin on his stomach. Getting any soap below his waist was nearly impossible at this point, so he sat down. He turned on the water still sitting down and closed his eyes. He was humming and stroking his bump. He was just sitting there. The soap was finding its way down his body and down the drain with all the water. 

At that very moment there was so worries in the world. It was just Dan, baby Blue and hot water. He was quietly singing an old Muse song. There was nothing else. No pain, no sickness. No thoughts, no worries. 

His eyes were still closed and as he sang, he could picture Blue running around a backyard with Phil, laughing the carefree way only a toddler could. Dan was happy.

\--------------------

When Dan left the bathroom, only wrapped in a towel, the apartment felt cold. The disgusting smell of bacon was gone, but it was replaced by a subtle cold. He climbed the stairs to their kitchen, which was no longer an easy job. Phil wasn’t in the kitchen, but Dan found him in the living room. Dan gave him a questioning look.

“Oh, I’m sorry if it’s cold, I aired out the apartment” Phil answered Dan’s unasked question. “Would you like anything for breakfast?”

“You didn’t have to do that, I’m sorry” Dan said.

“Your senses, especially your sense of smell get more sensitive during pregnancy. I’m sorry, I should have thought of that”

“I would maybe like some plain toast or crumpets or something,” Dan added. It had been months since he had started letting Phil do things for him. He wanted to be independent and not a burden for Phil, but Phil wasn’t having any of it. If Phil couldn’t carry the child, he was sure going to do everything else. Dan had stopped protesting, as it never led anywhere. Phil was too stubborn these days, and even though Dan never admitted it, he secretly loved it. 

\--------------------

When Dan entered the kitchen after getting dressed, there was a plate with toast and a glass of orange juice waiting for him. He picked it up, but not before taking a few bites from it. He went into the living room to eat with Phil. He sat down in his sofa crease, which was as comfortable as always, but not really a big supporter for his back.

“Are you feeling better?” Phil asked.

“Yeah, it’s not too bad now, but could we like go for a walk or something?”

“Sure, just a casual stroll?”

“Yeah” Dan said with his mouth full of food. 

After he was finished eating, they left the apartment. They walked down the street towards the local park hand in hand. It was spring and the sun was greeting them with her presence. It was a rather warm day and the birds were singing, a quite beautiful day really. For those reasons, there were a lot of people in the park. People were out with their kids or their dogs, or simply by themselves. 

“Can we sit down? My body doesn’t…” Dan started.

“Of course, love” Phil interrupted and started leading them towards a bench. They sat down next to each other, still hand in hand. They were watching life. People at all different stages of life. Old people with their spouses, adults with their kids, young people with their boyfriends, girlfriends or dogs. And Dan and Phil, boyfriends, fiancés and their unborn baby Blue. 

Suddenly, a little girl came running towards them. She was maybe three years old. She was wearing jeans and a pink jacket. Her hair was blond with crazy curls collected into two pigtails. 

“Hi sweetie” Dan leaned over and said to her. She was right by his feet now. 

“Hi” she said with her cute, little voice. “What is that” she added and pointed to his bump.

“It’s my bump,” he said. “I’m hiding my baby in there”

The girl reacted like it was a magic trick. Her eyes opened wider, she stared up at him, her mouth opened slightly. 

“A baby?” she said with awe. “Can I touch it?”

“Sure” Dan answered with a smile. “Just be careful”

The little girl put her tiny fingers on top of the fabric covering his bump. She started moving it around slightly and looked up at him.

“Is it really a baby in there?” she asked.

“Elizabeth” a woman yelled. She was a middle-aged woman, a 'soccer mom' if you’d like. She was approaching them in a high speed. “Elizabeth”

She had to be yelling for the little girl, as she turned around and waved and smiled at what had to be her mother. 

“Elizabeth, come here” she was angry. She was by them now, grabbing her child and starting to walk away. She glared at the boys with so much hatred, Phil knew. And he wasn’t having any of it. 

“Excuse me?” he got up and said to her. She stopped and looked at him. “Do you have a problem with me or my fiancé?” 

“It’s not natural,” she mumbled to herself. She was still pulling the little girl away from them.

“Excuse me?” Phil responded in a very annoyed tone. “The fact that my boyfriend can be and is pregnant is just as natural as you can be and was. It’s not like he did anything to become a carrier. He was born a carrier; just the same way you were born a woman”

“Phil, don’t let her bother you” Dan was calm.

“Yes, listen to your girlfriend” she said mockingly at Phil. And Dan had had it.

“Excuse me, woman, you can’t just come here and say that such a natural thing as bearing a child is unnatural, just because it’s done by a man. There is obviously no hope for you and your outdated opinions, but I feel sorry for your daughter, who has to grow up in your ignorance” Dan had gotten up during his speech and was now walking away from the woman in anger. Phil gave her an angry stare and started pacing after his boyfriend. 

“That was so uncalled for” Dan hissed. Phil walked from next to Dan, to in front of him. He stopped in front of Dan.

“Hey, I know. Calm down. Let’s go get some ice cream or something,” Phil said. Dan was getting calmer.

“Fine” he said still a little annoyed. “But could we get some hot chocolate instead?”


	10. Just say you wont let go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the last straw for Dan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you love it!
> 
> It didn't turn out as good as I hoped, but it's still good (in my opinion)

Phil had done something, something small and irrelevant, but it was the last straw for Dan. 

“Why don’t you let me do anything myself anymore? I’m not paralyzed or in a coma, I can walk. I can make my own food. You don’t have to do everything for me.” And Dan was at the verge of tears because he was so angry and tired and everything hurt. He just wanted Phil to understand. 

“Dan, I’m sorry, I’m just trying to help out” Phil pleaded.

“Well, you’re shit at it. It gets annoying, Phil. I’m not some old lady, I want to do stuff for myself as long as I can.”

“I just don’t want you to overwork yourself or anything, for the baby…” Phil was calm and controlled where Dan was loud and annoyed.

“Omg, Phil. It makes me feel useless. Fuck you Phil. Fuck this baby and this stupid pregnancy and everything. I’m so fucking sick and tired. You’re so clingy and annoying.” Dan said and was getting ready to walk away. He wanted a break from everything. From Phil, from being pregnant, from his body and this life. 

Seconds after the words had escaped his lips, he realized what he had said. He had said that one word he knew /never/ to say to Phil. Deep inside he knew never to call Phil annoying in a serious tone. Phil might be an adult, but when it came to the fear of being annoying, he was a child. In his younger years, Phil’s sense of self-worth wasn’t great, and even though he has gotten better, there was still some little child inside him who’s biggest fear was to be annoying to other people. To be seen as a burden. 

Dan’s eyes opened wide, and so did his mouth. He brought his hand up to cover his mouth just as the first tear escaped Phil’s eye and started the journey down his pale cheek.

“Omg, Phil, I didn’t mean that” Dan said. Phil stayed quiet, even though Dan wished with every fiber of his body that he didn’t. His heart was breaking for his boyfriend. Phil was crying, and it was because of him. If Dan wasn’t crying before, he was now. “Phil, honey, I love you so much, and I’m so grateful for everything you do for me – for us – and omg, Phil, I’m so so sorry.”

Dan paused, but Phil still wasn’t saying anything. Several tears were flowing down his cheeks. Why wouldn’t Phil just say something? Anything. It didn’t matter to Dan if Phil said he hated him, just as long as he said anything. 

“Phil, I love you so much, you mean everything to me. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of that, you know I didn’t mean that. You’re not annoying, not at all. It’s kind of sweet really. I love that you do stuff for me, it’s just that you make /me/ feel like a burden”

Dan walked over to Phil. His movements were slow, so Phil would have the opportunity to walk away or stop Dan at any time. Dan stopped in front of Phil. 

“I’m so so sorry, I love you so much. You’re not annoying to me, Phil. I love you”

“Then why would you say it?” Phil finally spoke, or rather choked out, trying not to sound like he was crying. 

“Because I’m stupid?” Dan tried. “Because I’m an idiot and a terrible boyfriend, and I don’t know how you’re still with me, when I treat you like shit and say hurtful stuff like this, but you are, and I’m so happy about that and I’m so grateful for you and this baby and you mean everything to me, and I can’t believe I hurt you again…” Dan choked out in-between sobs. While Phil was one of those who cried in silence, only showing tears on his cheeks, Dan cried loud. Dan sobbed and he cried and he made disgusting noises and ugly faces.

Dan didn’t know where to have his arms. He wanted to hug Phil, comfort him and tell him that everything would be okay. Especially now with his hormones and maternal instinct. But this time, Dan was the one who caused Phil’s tears. 

He wanted to hold his boyfriend and tell him how sorry he was, but he didn’t know if he could deal with the rejection of Phil pushing him away. 

These tears, who broke Dan’s heart, was his fault and he had to do something. He took a shot and walked up to Phil. His movements still slow, he put two arms around his neck. 

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. And he prayed, to every god he’d ever heard of, that Phil would hug him back.

“Then why would you say it?” Phil said and put his arms around Dan’s torso. “You know how I feel about that word”

“I know, I know. But you aren’t. I promise you, you are not annoying. You are helpful, and sweet and kind and I love you. And I know for a fact I wouldn’t have been able to do this pregnancy without you because of all you’ve done for me. You’ve just been helpful and I’ve just been ungrateful. So this is terrible timing to realize and finally say this, but you mean the world to me and without you I wouldn’t have been able to get to where I am today and especially with this pregnancy. Thank you”

“No problem” Phil said. “I’m just happy to help, but you’re right, I’ve been a little much lately”

“No, Phil, no, don’t say that, you’ve been perfect, just like you always are” And Dan wished his bump wasn’t this big, so he could be closer to his boyfriend. “I’m sorry, even though that doesn’t nearly cover it”

“Hey, it’s fine”

“No” Dan said slightly angry. “You don’t get to say it’s fine, because it’s not. What I said was so mean and thoughtless, and so very uncalled for. You’ve just been sweet, and I haven’t appreciated you. Please don’t stop. I need you. And I really don’t want to be a burden to you, but if you’d like to keep doing what you’ve been doing, I would very much appreciate it”

“I would love to” Phil said. 

“I love you, Phil”

“I love you too,” Phil said. “The both of you”

They stood like this for a while, tears soaking into the shirt of the other. Dan and Phil, embracing each other, with little baby Blue in-between them. And when Phil spoke again, Blue must have heard, because he kicked. Phil, who were still embracing Dan, belly against belly, felt it. He pulled away, and his face was filled with amazement. 

“I felt it,” he said. His face was lit up. He let go of Dan and bent down, facing the bump, and he put a hand against it together with Dan’s. “Hey, Blue. It’s your other daddy”

Phil looked up at Dan and both of their faces was stained with tears, but they were smiling. 

“Can you hear me?” Phil continued. “Right around now, little cauliflower, you should be able to hear the difference between your daddies. So you can hear that it’s me, and not your mother-daddy?”

“Mother-daddy?” Dan laughed. Blue kicked again and Phil felt it. “It’s the first time he’s kicked this hard. I’ve been able to feel him move for a few weeks now, but I’ve never been able to feel it from the outside”

“Hi, Blue. You finally decided to kick hard enough for me to feel?” Phil talked to the bump. He started very carefully pressing his fingers into it, trying to feel his son. “You have to tell me if it’s uncomfortable”

“It’s not, it’s fine, just don’t press much harder”

“I don’t think I told you this, but he’s able to feel pressure, so like if I press against him, he’ll move away or push back”

“Really? You didn’t tell me that. That’s so cool,” Dan said. Phil stayed with his hand on the bump and his face right in front of it.

“Do you want anything to eat?” Phil asked. “Pizza or something? Cuddling on the couch to a show?”

“I think that’s just what we need right now”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was very much inspired by a tumblr post I saw on instagram


	11. Look how we've grown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finishing touches

“Good morning, honey” Phil said and moved closer to Dan. Dan didn’t answer, he just grunted. When Phil saw no more sign of Dan waking up, he started crawling down their bed. He stopped when he was facing the bump, and pulled Dan’s shirt up.

“Good morning, little pineapple” Phil said as quiet as he could without whispering. “How are you? Are you ready to come out soon?” 

Phil paused, pretending to wait for an answer.

“Your daddies are ready to meet you, you know. We’re so excited to be able to hold you and kiss you, little baby Blue” He started drawing random patterns on the bump with his fingers. “Is it tight in there? Daddy’s tummy doesn’t look big enough to store an entire pineapple, so it must be cramped for you.”

“I’m sorry, pumpkin; you’ll get to leave soon. I bet you can’t wait to be born either. We’ll be a family, baby Blue.”

“And in the beginning, you’ll cry at night, and we’ll be tired and grumpy, but we won’t really mind that much because we love you.”

“You know that, right sweetie? Your daddies love you very much.”

“For many years, I never thought I’d love anyone as much as I love your daddy, but I was wrong. I love you as much as I love your daddy, just in another way, you know. I didn’t think it was possible, but then you came along, my little pineapple”

“There’s something special about you own baby. The love is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced.”

Blue kicked, and Phil, who was still tracing patterns with his fingers, felt it.

“You’re awake, aren’t you, sweetie?” He talked in a normal volume now. “Your daddy is going to wake up from that, you know”

And Blue kicked again. 

“You want your daddy to wake up, don’t you? Are you hungry? Is that it? You want me to make you something? What do you want for breakfast, sweetpea?”

“Scrambled eggs” Dan answered, still half-sleeping.

“Anything else?”

“Crumpets” Dan grunted. “And orange juice”

“Sure thing” Phil answered and kissed the bump, before he kissed Dan and left their bedroom. 

Dan must have fallen asleep again, because to him it only felt like seconds later when Phil reentered their bedroom with a tray of food. 

“Breakfast, sunshine” Phil nearly sang. Dan was struggling to get to a sitting position, as his bump was getting impractically big. 

Phil put the tray of food on his nightstand and went over to Dan’s side of the bed. He tried to help him be as comfortable as possible by putting pillows behind his back.

“Are you comfortable? Or do you want me to get some more pillows or anything?”

“I’m good now, thanks Phil”

Phil kissed him on the forehead and went to sit down next to him in bed. Phil gave Dan a plate of scrambled eggs and Dan placed it on his bump before he started eating. 

“There is only one practical thing about this enormous bump, and that is that it can be used as a table” 

\--------------------

“Are we finished? Or is it not perfect?” Phil asked. They were standing in the doorway of the nursery. Phil and Matt had painted it a few weeks earlier, and they’d spent this weekend doing the finishing touches. 

The room was white with a border of animals by the ceiling. Against the wall was a white crib with light blue sheets. There was a dark wood floor, but it was mostly covered by a grey, fuzzy carpet. To the left of the bed was a white dresser with animals on the sides. To the right, in the corner, was a white rocking chair with a light blue blanket hanging over the armrest. Next to it was a shelf with a few books and some toys. The room was simple and beautiful.

“I love it,” Dan said. He sat down in the rocking chair and started rocking. 

Phil came over and sat down on the floor by Dan’s legs.

“I can’t wait to use it, until he’s here and can move in” Phil said and rested his head on Dan’s knee. 

If he only knew.

\--------------------

“Ouch” Phil yelps as he’s pulled out of his sleep by a strong grip on his arm. He is tired and annoyed when he turns around to look at the boy at the other end of the arm. As he is slowly waking up, he starts realizing what the weird noise is; Dan is breathing heavily.

“Phil!”

“Dan?” Phil turns on his bedside lamp and sits up. He looks over at his fiancé. “Dan? What is happening?”-

“I think it’s contractions” Dan manage to breathe out. Phil, who’s already on his way to realizing this himself, puts on his glasses. Dan lets go of his arm and Phil gets out of bed and rushes over to Dan’s side of the bed. He reaches out his hand, which Dan grabs way too hard. 

“Okay, listen to me, love. Breathe in” he pauses before continuing. “And breathe out”

They breathe slowly together for a few minutes before Dan’s grip loosens. 

“It’s over?” Phil asks.

“Yeah”

“And this was the first one?”

“Yeah” Dan says again before laying back down in bed. He moves his finger to his now gigantic bump. He starts drawing random patterns with his fingers. “You’re tired of being in there, ey?” 

“This might just be Braxton-Hicks, so we’ll have to wait to see if you have more” Phil tries to calm him. 

“It’s probably just that. After all, I’m only 36 weeks,” Dan says, trying to comfort himself more than Phil. 

Phil goes back to his side of the bed and they cuddle up together. They talk for a bit before falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blue is not going to be born in the next one, but the one after. I've already written most of the two next chapters, so hopefully at least one will be up by the end of this week


	12. But you'd never know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil has barely drifted off when he can feel Dan’s entire body going rigid in his arms

Phil has barely drifted off when he can feel Dan’s entire body going rigid in his arms.

“Another one?” he asks. 

“Yeah” Dan breathe out. 

“Okay, breath slowly, try and relax your body.” Phil says and Dan tries the best he can to relax his muscles and have a steady breathing. 

“How long has it been since the last one?” Dan asks once it's over.

“A little under 20 minutes, I think” Phil says.

“Phil, this might be labor,” Dan says nervously. He is scared. 

“I’ll call the hospital” Phil says and gets up. He gets his phone and leave the room. When he comes back a few minutes later, Dan looks at him with questioning eyes.

“They said that we should get ready to go, wait for the next one, and when it’s over; we leave,” he says. “And oh, remember to time the contractions”

“It’s early” is all Dan manage to say.

“Only by a few weeks love, he’ll be all right,” Phil says. “Isn’t that right, honeydew? You’ll be okay; you’re just excited to meet your daddies”

Phil helps Dan out of bed and to the bathroom, where they get dressed and ready to leave. They gather keys, wallets and cellphones and get their already-packet hospital bag. They go into the lounge where they sit down on the couch waiting for the next contraction. 

Not long after, it comes, and the boys are breathing together, Dan squeezing Phil’s hand. 

“They hurt so bad,” Dan proclaims when it’s over. 

“I’m sorry, love” Phil kisses his temple and holds him. “Are you ready to leave?”

“I just need a few minutes to catch my breath”

“That’s okay,” Phil says while his thoughts wander. “It’s the last time we’re only two people living here”

“I know. The next time we’ll sit in this couch we have a son,” Dan pauses. “Are we even ready for this? Are we prepared enough? What if something happens? Will we be good enough parents to know what to do?”  
Dan is breathing faster and Phil can feel his heartbeat rising. 

“Hey, let’s not think about that. Of course we’re ready, of course we’re prepared. Parenthood doesn’t come with an instruction manual. We’re just as fit as anyone else, if not better, to be parents” Phil tries to comfort him. “Come on, let’s leave and have this baby. We’ve waited long enough”

“Yeah” Dan is calming down.

“Be brave for us, Daniel” Phil says and kisses his temple once more before he starts to get up from the couch. He grabs Dan’s hand and helps him up on his feet. They smile at each other. “Now, let’s go get our son”

They grab their stuff and leave the apartment. The drive is quiet. They are holding hands but looking out each their window. It’s quiet out, considering it’s about 4 am. 

“You really think he’ll be fine? That it’s just normal contractions and not something wrong?” Dan looks to Phil with concerned eyes. “It’s supposed to be four weeks left”

“He’s just impatient, love. A lot of babies are born early, that’s why they give you a birth month and not a date. If the hospital was worried, they would have had us come in right away,” Phil says, but he doesn’t really believe a word of what he’s saying. Just as the time about 6 months ago, when he was trying to comfort Dan about what his then unknown pregnancy could be. Phil has to be the strong one. He isn’t going to show any sign of weakness in front of his boyfriend. Either way, Dan is going to have to go through some kind of birth, and he has to be strong. He has to have hope that Blue will be fine. Phil knows babies born as early as week 28 can survive. Blue is 36. The odds are on their side, but one never knows. 

He doesn’t dare to hope for the best, just as he doesn’t dare to think the worst. He puts on a mask, hiding his fright and insecurity. Smiling at Dan, pretending everything is and will be fine. 

When they arrive at the hospital, they grab their stuff and leave the car. They walk the short distance from the parking lot to the hospital doors. When they enter, they head for the reception. A bigger girl is sitting there. She’s blond and around 30. She smiles at them and asks what she can help them with. 

Just then, Phil can see in his side view that Dan leaps slightly forward and grab the counter. It’s like he’s in pain, but tries to cover it. Phil is by his side as fast as he can, grabbing one of Dan’s hands. He is massaging southing circles into his back with his other hand.

“My boyfriend is in labor. He’s 36 weeks pregnant,” Phil says to the girl before he goes back to breathing with Dan. About a minute later, he straighten up. Phil pulls his phone out of his pocket.

“That was about 15 minutes,” Phil says to Dan. 

A doctor approaches them with a wheel chair. He pulls out his hand and introduces himself. Neither Dan nor Phil can remember his name, as they’re too preoccupied with presenting themselves. 

Dan is wheeled into his own room where they take some tests, but Phil can’t really remember much as he’s so stressed. When Dan is stressed, he’s aggressive and he can shout, or at least complain. When Phil is stressed, he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t show it, which only makes him more stressed. He overthinks in the quiet of his own mind. He worries inside his head. That is what he is doing right now. He is worried, about Dan, and about Blue, but he is not about to let Dan know. He pretends to be calm and coolheaded. He is trying to be relaxing and comforting for Dan, which requires him to worry inside his head.

He stresses, thinks of every possible negative outcome. He is going to be prepared in case anything, even remotely bad, happens with Dan or Blue. If something happens, he’ll have to be there for Dan. If something happens, there is no room for Phil to be worried or sad, so he has to deal with all the emotions in advance. 

It’s not that Dan has done anything to make it this way. Phil was always just like this. He liked being ahead of things, even life. After he got together with Dan, it’s a reflex he does, being prepared to set his emotions aside to comfort the love of his life. But Phil has emotions too, and he has to deal with them, so he deals with them in advance. Making sure to have worked through anything before it happens, just so he can be there for Dan a hundred percent when the wave hits him. 

Just like now, when Phil’s head is spinning with the ‘what if’s, he’s working through the worries and the grief that might come their way, so that he can comfort Dan when the news come. 

Phil is older. When Dan and Phil first became friends, Dan was basically a child. Without anything making it like that, Phil had become the protective boyfriend. And he still is. Don’t get him wrong, Dan is a functioning adult that can very well take care of himself and others, it’s just that Phil doesn’t want him to feel like he’s ever alone. Phil knows the feeling of being alone in the world all too well, and if it’s one thing he’s sure he is going to put in his vows, it’s that Dan is /never/ to feel alone. 

Phil has learned through the years that love is about sacrifice. It isn’t true love if you aren’t willing to sacrifice everything for the other person. At least, that’s the way Phil feels. He’s been in relationships before, but never one that made him feel willing to sacrifice everything to be with the other person. That was until Dan came along. Since the beginning, Phil has known he would be willing to sacrifice anything for him. Phil is willing to worry ahead, just to be prepared for anything, so he can comfort Dan.

At this point, Phil is ready to hold a shaking Dan in case the doctors tell them Blue is dead. He is also prepared to hold the little, sleeping baby in his arms in case the doctors tell them everything is fine. He is also prepared for anything in-between.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it and are excited for the next chapter!
> 
> As Blue is about to be born, I would love any requests or wants of Dan and Phil with their newborn.
> 
> I don't want Dan and Phil's relationship to come off as dysphunctional or unhealthy in this fic, and that's why I precise that Dan didn't make it this way and Dan isn't unstable and in need of Phil to be this way or anything (with the worrying in advance). It's just something Phil does.


	13. There's miles of land in front of us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little baby Blue Alexander Howell-Lester is born

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blue is born, hope you're excited! I personally love this chapter, so I hope you will too
> 
> I'm changing song for the titles as I've used almost the entire lyrics of "say you won't let go"  
> For this chapter, the title is fron "March to the sea" by tøp, but we'll see with the future chapters

Dan is on all four, almost in a praying position. He’s crying. He’s in pain. He’s complaining. He says he’s done with this. That he doesn’t want to do it anymore. That he wants a C-section. That it hurts. Phil can see it on him. He’s crying and sweating, and even though he’s had epidural, he’s in so much pain. 

Phil is being strong for Dan, but he doesn’t know how much longer he can watch this. It’s not like he’s going to leave the room, not even for a second, but seeing Dan in so much pain physically hurts Phil. It makes him sick to his stomach, it squeezes his heart. There’s nothing he can do to make it better and it’s killing him. He’s doing the best he can, holding Dan’s hand, massaging southing circles on his back. When Dan lays on his back, Phil will push his fringe out of the way and kiss his forehead. It’s sweaty and warm, but Phil doesn’t care. 

They’ve been going at it for almost 48 hours now. They’ve barely slept or eaten. Phil is tired and hungry and he really wants a shower. He wants to go home, with Dan and Blue, and lay in their bed and sleep. He wants to sleep for days. When he’s rested and fed, he wants to spend the rest of his life adoring Blue. Because he knows he will. Blue will always be the most precious thing in Phil’s life. And he’s sure Dan is feeling the same way too, but right now, there’s nothing more Dan, and Phil, want than for this to be over. 

“Please” Dan pleads. It’s almost a whisper. It’s the plead of a defeated man.

“You're almost there, sweetie” the nurse says.

“You’ve been saying that for an hour,” Phil nearly shouts at her. He doesn’t mean for it to come out that harsh, but dammit, Dan’s in pain and the stupid lady won’t do shit about it. 

“I understand that you’re worried, but I can assure you everything is fine,” she says. She is so calm, sweet and nice, Phil almost cries a little from shouting at her. He feels so rude now.

“I’m sorry” he looks to the ground.

“I understand that this is a stressful experience for you too,” she says, still in such a sweet way.

Dan tilts himself over so he’s lying on his side before he sits up. He pulls his legs to his chest, to the extent it’s possible with the huge bump in the way.

“Hold me” he shivers. 

“Oh, love” Phil says and wraps his arms around Dan’s shoulders and leans him into his stomach. He kisses his head. “I’m so sorry”

“I just want it to be over” he cries. He grabs the one of Phil’s arms that’s around the front of his body. 

“I wouldn’t want you to sit like that” the nurse tries.

“Why?” Dan cries. “I just want my boyfriend to hold me and kiss me and tell me everything is going to be fine”

“Everything will be just fine with all of us, love” he says and kisses Dan’s hair again. 

“Thank you” Dan whispers back to him.

The nurse was right with the “almost there” as not half an hour later, little baby Blue Alexander Howell-Lester is born.

He’s 48 cm and weigh 2,8 kg. Born June 11th at 2:47 am.

“It’s a boy,” the nurse declares, followed by tiny baby cries.

Dan let out a relieved breath. He’s done. The pain is mostly over and he has his son. The nurse hands Blue over to Dan right away and lays him on his chest. Dan sniffles. He has his son. 

“Happy birthday” Phil says. Dan looks up at him with so much love, then back to their baby. 

“Hi, Blue” Dan whispers. Blue lays on his chest, curled up, resting. He is so peaceful. So beautiful. “He’s big,” he adds.

“I had expected for a premature to be smaller,” Phil agrees. 

“He isn’t that premature, and he’s probably taking after his daddies,” the nurse says with a smile. She goes up to Dan and help wrap Blue in a blanket. 

“I’ll give you some privacy,” she says. “You did good, I’m proud of you. Congrats on your beautiful boy” she says before she heads out the door.

“That was so nice” Dan says and looks up at Phil.

“It was. But she’s right. You did great, love. I know you were tired and in pain, but you kept going, and I’m immensely proud of you” Phil is standing as close as possible to the bed, hunched over Dan. 

“Thank you” Dan smiles. “Sit with me”

“What?” Phil asks and Dan starts scooching over so Phil can sit next to him. “You don’t have to do that, love” 

“But I want to. I want you to sit next to me” 

When Dan is as far to one side of the bed he can get, Phil takes his shoes off and sits next to him in the big hospital bed. Phil leans his head on Dan’s shoulder and looks down at his sleeping baby. 

“He is beautiful,” Phil whispers.

“I know” Dan can’t take his eyes off of him. “Hold him”

Phil has wanted to do this for so long. Ever since the day in the doctor’s office, he has looked forward to holding his own little bundle of joy. Ever since the nurse handed Blue over to Dan for the first time, Phil has been looking at his son with longing eyes. It’s in him to hold this baby. His biology screams for him to protect this little boy. Phil want’s to hold him and protect him and never let him go. 

Phil sits up straight and stretches his arms towards his child. Dan carefully hoovers his arms towards Phil’s. At last, a bundle of blankets and baby are in Phil’s arms and he wants to cry. It’s warm against his bare arms. There are butterflies in his stomach. There’s warmth in his entire body. This feels right.


	14. But now this time there were three men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helen stops by

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, hope you like it! I'm sorry it's been longer than usual since the last chapter, but I've had to do some rewriting and stuff, but that also means I have more to come very soon, so I'll try and get the next chapter out as soon as possible! :)
> 
> Todays title is from "Taxi Cab" by tøp

Phil is in the hospital cafeteria paying for a coffee when he can hear a woman voice calling his name. He turns around and spots a shorter woman with brown, slightly curly, hair and brown eyes walking towards him. 

“Hi Helen,” he says and opens his arms to welcome her. She walks into his arms and hugs him.

“Hi Phil, how are you?” she asks. She sounds concerned. 

“Oh, I’m fine. I’m just getting something to drink. Dan is up with Blue. He’s awake right now” Phil smiles.

“I brought cake,” she says excited. She lifts up a box Phil failed to notice in his tired state. 

“That’s so sweet, thank you,” he says before they turn around and head towards their room. Phil slowly opens the door and smiles at his little family. He’ll never get tired of this look, his beautiful soon-to-be husband with their adorable little boy. 

“Look who I ran into,” Phil says in a soft voice before entering the room. 

“Mom, hi,” Dan exclaims in a quiet voice, as not to disturb the sleeping baby in his arms. 

“How are my birthday boys?” she says excitedly. “I brought cake,” she adds. 

She walks over to her son and kisses his forehead.

“Happy birthday, sweetie, how are you?” she asks. “You look tired, honey, are you not getting enough sleep?”

“Mom, I’m good. I’ve had a tough couple of days, that’s all. I’m feeling fine. How are /you/?”

“Oh, I’m fine” she blows off. “Now, let me see this little beauty” 

She hurriedly places the box of cake on the table, before she walks back to her son. 

“So this is Blue?” she asks as Dan hands the boy over to her. Dan holds Blue like he’ll break, he’s so careful, and Phil thinks is beautiful. Phil is standing by the door, just observing his family. He feels so content. This is exactly how it’s supposed to be. This is exactly the way wants it. 

“Yes” Dan answers as his mom takes Blue in her arms. She lets him rest on her left arm and brings her right hand up to move the blanket out of his face.

“Oh, he’s beautiful, honey”

“What do I respond to that? We’ve gotten that so many times already, and I’ve said ‘thanks’, but is that what we’re supposed to say? I mean, they’re not complimenting me, but he can’t say anything, and we made him after all. So do we say thanks?” Dan asks.

“We can’t say nothing, that’s just weird, and I don’t know what else we should say” Phil adds before trailing off. He’s standing by Helen now.

“I think ‘thank you’ is the right thing to say” she hesitates and looks from Dan to Phil.

“Thank you, mom, we think he’s beautiful too” Dan smiles at his mom. 

Once she’s been holding Blue for a while, she speaks up. 

“Who wants cake?” she says and puts Blue in his little bed.

“I’ll never say no to your cakes, mom,” Dan laughs. 

Helen pulls a few plates and forks out of her purse. She takes the lid off the container. She cuts into the cake and puts pieces on three plates. Phil walk over and pick up two, one which he gives to Dan.

After they’re finishes eating, and talking, and Phil has handed the plates over to Helen, he walks over to Dan. He stands by the bed, close to his boyfriend. He pushes Dan’s curly fringe out of the way and looks at him. He’s met with warm, brown eyes and an arm around his waist.

“How are you, love?” Phil asks with so much love and care in his voice. They share a kiss. It’s short and sweet, but it contains so much affection. Phil pushes Dan’s curly fringe slightly out of his face and sits down on the edge of the bed. 

“I’m feeling better, thanks. It helped a lot to sleep earlier. My body still feels a little beaten, but definitely better. How are /you/ though? Not to be mean or anything, but you look like shit” Dan laughs.

“Thanks, I love you too” Phil laughs back. “No, I’m fine”

“Why don’t you go home and take a shower and get some sleep? Maybe also some clean clothes?”

“Dan, I’m fine. I had a nap earlier, I feel good now”

“Tonight, then? Will you sleep at home tonight, please?” Dan says worried. Phil’s parents are coming by tomorrow, and Dan doesn’t want him to look like he has been hit by a train. 

“I’m not leaving you here all night by yourself. I’m fine, I said”

“Phil, you’re not fine. Your parents are coming tomorrow, please go home and rest tonight. Me and Blue will be all right”

“Dan, are you sure?” Phil hesitates. 

“Of course”

“I /would/ love a proper night sleep in our bed” he mutters. 

“See, just go”

“Fine, I will” Phil ends the discussion. 

“You need to take care of yourself,” Helen says in a serious tone. “Tonight might be one of your last nights with a decent amount of rest in a long time. Blue might seem all cute and adorable now, but then it’s 3 am and he won’t stop screaming. /Now/ it’s important for Blue to be with his dads, but a few months down the line, if you need a decent night sleep, please don’t hesitate to call”

“Thanks, mom” Dan smiles at her.

“Right now, I can’t really imagine /not/ wanting to look at him 24/7,” Phil laughs.

“You’ll get there eventually, hun,” Helen laughs with him. 

“I’m so excited, I can’t get enough of this little duckling,” she adds as she gets up and walk over to her grandson. 

Dan smiles and warm eyes looks up at his fiancé. He looks over to where his mom is standing with his son in her arms, cooing at the tiny boy. 

“He’s okay,” he mutter. “I didn’t tell you, but I was so scared he wasn’t going to be okay. Phil, I was so scared”

“I know, love. I know you were, I could tell” Phil smiles carefully and looks down at Dan with sympathetic eyes. “I were too, honey, but he’s okay. Our baby boy is healthy, and he’s okay, and we’ll get to take him home in a few days”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any ideas, even vague ones, I'd love to know and hear them!


	15. Tools that can destoy my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I don't claim to know anything about how it actually is to be a parent, have a child or anything like that, nor do I claim to know anything about Dan or Phil's private life. This is purely a work of fiction
> 
> Title is from "Air Catcher" by tøp. Self-titled is my favorite album by them, so I'll mostly be using songs from that one, but I also really like Vessel

Phil doesn’t want to, but he says good bye to Dan and Blue. He holds his baby against his body and kissed his forehead, which is barely covered by a very thin layer of blond hair. He pushes Dan’s fringe out of the way and looks into the most beautiful brown eyes he knows. He tells him that he loves him and that he’ll be back first thing in the morning. He assures Dan that he doesn’t have to leave and that he’s perfectly fine with sleeping at the hospital, which Dan is having none of. At last, Phil kisses his two boys good-bye and leaves to go home.

Once he enters their apartment, it’s empty and quiet. It’s weird being here all by himself now. He imagined coming home with Blue in his arms and Dan by his side. Instead, he’s here alone. Phil doesn’t really mind being alone, not usually, but now it’s somewhere else he’d rather be.

He jumps in the shower. The hot water feels great against his skin. It’s been a couple of days. He lets it flow down his back and his face. It’s calming. He turns the water off, pours shampoo in his hand, closes his eyes and starts massaging it into his hair. It feels great. He stands there for way longer than he needs to, but it’s just too good, too relaxing. 

Afterwards, he steps out of the shower. He dries off and put on boxers. He goes to their bedroom where he puts on pajama bottoms and one of Dan’s t-shirts. It smells like Dan. It soothes Phil and makes it feel like Dan is still there with him. He wraps himself up in duvet and the smell of Dan and falls asleep, happier than he ever though he could be. The only thing that could have made this night better, was if Dan and Blue was laying right here next to him. 

\--------------------

Dan is sleeping in his hospital bed. Phil is sitting in a chair next to the bed with Blue in his arms, drifting between sleeping and staring at the two most beautiful boys he knows. Phil was at the hospital first thing that morning. He couldn’t stand to be away from his boys any longer, and now, he doesn’t want to fall asleep.

There is a knock on the door before a woman sticks her head in. Her blonde hair sways a little, her blue eyes stare at him, before her face crack into a smile.

“How are my favorite boys?” she almost whispers. She enters the room and walks quietly over to where Phil is sitting. A taller man follows her in silence. 

“Hi mom, hi dad” Phil smiles at them. “We’re good. Dan is resting, and so is Blue, and well… I’ve been in and out of sleep basically” 

“Aw, my poor boys, you’re tired” she says sympathetically. “Do you want me to hold him while you take a nap?”

“We’re fine. Dan should be waking up soon and it would just be rude to sleep when you’re here”

“Nonsense” she claims. “I’ll hold Blue while you take a nap”

“I’m fine, mom” he whines. “I went home last night and showered and got a proper night’s sleep”

“But you can hold him either way” he adds and carefully hands Blue over to his mom, who by now is sitting down in the chair next to him. 

“Aw, look at this beautiful little boy” she exclaims once she has her grandson in her arms. 

“He is, isn’t he?” Phil asks with so much pride and a smile on his face.

“Of course he is, darling” his mom assures him.

“He’s a handsome little boy” his dad shoots in. He’s standing behind his wife, admiring his grandson as well. 

Phil gets up from his chair and walks over to Dan. He pushes the curly fringe out of his sleeping face and kisses his forehead. 

“Dan, love” he whispers. 

“Oh, you don’t have to wake him up for us” his mom assures, loud enough of Phil to hear, but not too loud to awake Dan or Blue. 

Phil looks from Dan, to his mom and smiles. When he looks back at Dan, he’s stirring and then blinking his beautiful, browns eyes open. It’s those brown irises that Phil can’t get enough of. He likes to get lost in them, feeling like he’s wandering inside Dan soul, his eyes being mystical and everlasting. Those tired eyes looking up at Phil is his entire world, now more than ever. 

“Good morning, love” Phil is knelt down next to the bed, looking into the sea of melted chocolate.

“Hi” Dan whispers back. 

“My parents are here,” Phil says in a soft voice before leaving a peck on Dan’s lips. It’s quick and short, but it doesn’t matter. It’s Dan and Phil, together against the world. 

Dan sits up in the bed and smiles at the Lesters. 

“Hi” he says in his sleepy voice. 

“Oh, honey, you didn’t have to wake up for us” Karen smiles. 

“It’s okay, I’ve slept a lot” he smiles at her. “How are you? How was the trip?”

“We’re good thank you, and so was the drive. Stephen is having some problems with his back” she tells and looks at her husband.

“Don’t everyone at this age” he tries to laugh away. “But I’ll be fine”

“How has the first day as parents been?” Karen asks and looks from Phil to Dan. 

Phil lets blue meet brown, and the love in his ocean blue eyes leak out. He thinks about the question before he answers. 

“It’s been such a rollercoaster,” he answers truthfully. His mother gives him a question look, waiting for him to elaborate. “There’s this breathtaking love whenever you look at him, and he’s the most adorable little creature. And then the worry hits you, the worry that you’re gonna do something wrong, fuck this up somehow. When he cries, the heartache takes over, crushing you from the inside out because he is not content, and it’s the worst thing in the world. You want him to be happy at all times, but then he cries, and you feel so helpless about what to do, so you do what you can, making sure he’s fed and changed” he trails off. 

“Shit, that’s so poetic, Phil” Dan says, amazement leaking through every word. “And it’s such a good description of how it feels. It’s like being in love, just a 100 times more intense”

“That’s maternal instinct” Karen starts.

“Parental instinct” Stephen cuts her off. Karen looks at her husband with so much love, before she continues. 

“And it never stops. The rollercoaster you’re describing are more intense in the first days and weeks, but it never goes away, even when your sons turn 30” she smiles and looks and her own boy .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any requests are highly appreciated


	16. I said, "Don't be afraid. We're going home"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A facebook staus, a bottle of formula and a crib

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Taxi Cab" by tøp

Dan picks up his phone and opens his personal facebook. He has stopped by a few times the last day, only to see so many of his friends and family having left birthday wishes on his page. He hasn’t had the energy to go through and reply to them so he has decided to instead make a post about it. 

“What do you think I should write?” Dan asks Phil, who is seated in the bed by Dan’s legs. “I would like to subtly include that Blue was born yesterday. Like something about that it’s his birthday as well”

“’Thanks for all the birthday wishes, Blue and I say thanks’?” Phil tries.

“What about something like ‘I got the best birthday present I could hope for’?”

“’And he says thanks as well’?” Phil adds.

“That’s great. ‘Thanks for all the birthday wishes. For those of you who wanted to know if I got anything nice’” Dan reads out loud before he stops and looks at Phil, unsure of how to proceed. “’let me tell you I got the best present I could ever wish for’”

“’And he says thanks as well’” Phil adds.

“Ooo, I like that” Dan smiles before he looks back at his screen and types out the rest of the post. “Should I add a picture?”

“Mmm, maybe a little later? Like when we get home? Those who needs to know, knows already”

“So like a more official announcement with a picture?”

“Yeah, if that’s okay?”

“I like the idea” Dan smiles and posts the status.

Just then, Blue starts to cry. Phil is quickly by his side and picks him up. He holds the little boy by his shoulder and rocks him.

“What time is it?” Phil asks Dan.

“Dinnertime” Dan chuckles. 

“I’ll get it” Phil offers and hands Blue over to Dan.

“Phil, you don’t need to….” Dan tries before he’s cut off by Phil leaving the room. Not long after, he’s back with a bottle of formula. Before Phil can hand Dan the bottle, Dan is handing him Blue. Phil stutters, he doesn’t have to do it. He’s fine with Dan feeding Blue most of the time. But he’s not about to object, so he stops himself from saying anything and carefully takes his son instead. 

“I…” Phil doesn’t know how to phrase himself. “I could at least sit next to you?” he tries.

“Phil, you can do this on your own” Dan finds it adorable how Phil is so flustered and insecure about the whole thing, like he’s going to do something wrong, which Dan doesn’t even think is possible. Phil is so concerned with doing everything the right way. Dan thinks it’s cute, really, and it hasn’t started to annoy him. 

“Yeah, of course” Phil says nervously. He sits down in the chair right next to the bed. It’s Phil’s chair. 

He holds Blue carefully against his chest, head leaning in his elbow, and puts the bottle to his mouth. Phil tries to look up at Dan to get the approval to put it in the boy’s mouth, but before he can look anywhere but at his little creation, Blue has the bottle between his tiny lips. 

“/He/ knows how to do it,” Dan laughs when he sees Phil’s nervous expression. “There’s no way you can fuck this up. You just hold it” Dan assures him. 

And Phil does. He just holds it. Until it’s nearly empty, when Blue nearly spits it out, saying he’s full. Phil looks up at Dan with questioning eyes. Phil has fed Blue a few times before, but he’s been sitting next to Dan, letting Dan guide him on what to do, sometimes also holding the bottle together with Phil. 

“You put the bottle aside and then hold him against your shoulder and pat his back,” Dan says, pretending to be tired of repeating it, but still with a smile on his face.

Phil does as he’s told, puts the bottle on the floor next to the chair and puts Blue’s head on his shoulder. He’s about to start patting when Dan interrupts him.

“Use this” he says and throws him a cloth.

“Yeah, right” Phil responds nervously. Phil doesn’t even know himself why he’s so nervous about this. It’s like Dan said, there’s no way he can fuck this up. Still, he’s scared he’s doing something wrong. He takes the cloth and places it on his shoulder, under Blue’s chin, and pats his back.

\--------------------

Blue is eight days old when they’re allowed to go home. Usually prematures are kept in the hospital longer, but Blue being born only four weeks early, they don’t have to stay long. 

It’s evening. It’s June, so it’s not yet dark outside. Dan is carrying Blue in one of those basket things that in fact belongs to a stroller, but is possible to take out. He has a bag over his shoulder, while Phil has the other bag. Phil had insisted on carrying both, but Dan hadn’t let him. He was feeling so much better now, the pain of giving birth all gone. 

Phil unlocks the door and lets Dan enter first. Dan hasn’t been home in a week and a half. It feels different, the weight of his son in his hand, but at the same time not. 

“Welcome home, Blue” Dan almost whispers and looks down at the sleeping baby. 

They start climbing the stairs, but Dan is soon losing his breath. He might be back on his feet and he might not be pregnant anymore, but the baby weight isn’t gone and he’s still out of shape. This time, when Phil insists on taking the other bag, Dan lets him. 

It’s not that late, but they’re tired. While they get ready, Blue rests on the changing table by the window. As usual, he’s sleeping. They brush their teeth and Phil takes out his contacts, replacing them with black frames. Phil smiles at Dan, who is sat on top of the toilet waiting for him. 

Phil picks up Blue and they go to their bedroom. Phil rocks him before he puts him down in the crib, which Phil remembered to move in to their bedroom when he was last home. It’s placed by Dan’s side of the bed, which Phil doesn’t really have a problem with, even though he wishes it would be closer to him. It’s completely empty. No blankets, pillows or stuffed animals. Blue is only to be sleeping in one of those sleeping bags for babies.

“No blankets or anything?” Dan asks unsure.

“No, it’s a hazard. Dan, I’ve read about this. Did you know a lot of infant deaths could have been avoided if it wasn’t stuff in their crib?” Phil says like a typical know-it-all.

“Okay, okay. If you insist,” Dan laughs. “I think it’s quite cute how you’re so concerned about everything and that you’ve read so much about infant care” Dan says and kisses his cheek. It’s filled with so much love and Dan can’t help but curl his lips up after they’ve met Phil’s skin. 

“I love you,” he declares quietly as he wraps his arms around Phil’s waist and looks down at their son.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is going to be smut. I promise it won't be explicit at all, it's going to be very mild and loving. The chapter will be just the smut scene so that anyone that doesn't want to read it, won't miss anything about the story itself (although I recommend reading it because it's mostly fluff and very sweet)


	17. I will tell you I love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from Oh Ms Believer by tøp (I love that song)
> 
> This chapter is smut, but it's about as light as it gets, so unless you're very sensitive about it, it should be fine. There's no very direct mentions of it, for the most part it's between the lines and up to the reader to interpret as they'd like.  
> If you're not okay with the actual smut, but the aftermath, I've left a space and "safe to read" in bold. 
> 
> This is supposed to be very slow and loving and just fluff, so if you are to listen to any kind of music during this, I'd recommend something calm like "Liability" by Lorde, "The End of All Things" by Panic or something
> 
> It's also my first ever attempt at smut, so hope you like it, and if there's anything at all that doesn't seem right or is badly explained or whatever, I'd love to know so I could do something about it
> 
> Unless I specifically say anything about it, at least the next few chapters are going to be one month apart. In this chapter Blue is about 1 month old, in the next he's two and so on
> 
> Next chapter is Blue fluff, and will most likely be posted thursday afternoon (European time), so stay tuned

It’s not that they haven’t made love, or done anything related to sex, since before Dan became pregnant, because they have, it’s just been a lot less frequent. Dan has been tired, both physically and emotionally, his body hurting and his need for sleep increased. Phil has been very respectful and not in any way tried to push Dan, but they’re both growing frustrated.

The last couple of weeks has been majorly consisting of sleeping or getting their baby to stop crying. Not that Blue isn’t a sweet little boy, because he is, and he doesn’t really cry that much, it’s just that when he does, he’s loud and to the two new parents it’s heartbreaking.

They’ve both been holding back, but this morning, when Dan wakes up with a hard on, he’s not going to think it away. He keeps lying flat on his stomach and crawls quietly up to Phil, getting some long lost friction. He puts his left hand against the right side of Phil’s face, thumb resting against his cheek, the other four fingers behind his ear. Phil is lying on his back, on the left side of the bed as he always does. Dan tilts Phil’s head towards himself, positioning it so they could have had eye contact, if Phil wasn’t sleeping.

“Phil” he whispers. He want’s Phil to be awake. “Phil”

“Yeah” Phil answers, basically still sleeping.

“Wake up, sleeping beauty” he brings their faces closer. “Love” he whispers.

He connects their lips in a way it feels like they haven’t done in months. There’s so much lust, so much love.

“Phil” Dan whispers against his lips the most sensual way he can.

He slowly moves his body further up in bed, closer to Phil. Dan’s lips almost meets Phil’s ear before he whispers “Daddy’s hungry” while he does his best with pressing his erection against Phil’s hip. He slides his lips down Phil’s strong jawline, failing to notice his blue oceans opening.

Dan is lying on top of Phil’s left arm, and Phil takes the opportunity to wrap it around Dan and squeeze his ass. Oh, what a beautiful ass he has.

“Good morning, love” Phil turns his head so Dan’s lips meet his instead.

They’re a tangled mess, Dan even more on top of Phil now. Phil’s arm are by Dan’s hips, Dan’s arms are by Phil face. They’re making out like they’re the last people on earth, each knowing what the other wants.

Dan detaches his lips and leans their foreheads together.

“Phil” he pants a little. “I can’t” he doesn’t want to say it, but he has to. “Phil, I can’t take you”

“Hey, that’s fine” Phil says in his softest voice. “I don’t need to… There’s other… We can…”

“Phil” Dan laughs. “Stop talking”

“Right” Phil laughs and attaches their lips again.

Dan’s fingers tangle with Phil’s hair as Phil’s fingers pass inside the waistband of Dan’s boxers.

“Wait” Dan suddenly pulls away completely. Phil looks at him questioningly. Dan moves away from Phil and towards the crib, checking if Blue is okay. He smiles at his baby before moving back to his fiancé. “He’s sleeping” Dan whispers against Phil’s lips before he lets them meet again.

Hands are back where they were only moments ago and Phil is sliding Dan’s boxers down his thighs, letting him kick them off himself. It’s not long until Phil can’t help himself and wraps a fist around Dan. He moves his hand up and down a few times before Dan detaches their lips and pulls away, up on all four. He smirks before he starts moving his head down Phil’s body, leaving a trail of kisses and love bites behind. He takes Phil’s waistband between his teeth and pulls it down his legs, pulling the boxers off entirely with his hand. Phil is standing with pride, waiting for him. He kisses Phil’s head before straddling him, making their lips meet once again.

Dan is leaned so much forward, he is almost lying on Phil, making them rub together. Dan’s torso is moving, giving the boys the friction they both hunger. Phil is swallowing Dan’s moans before they can escape into the air, making sure this is and stays an intimate moment only between the two of them.

Phil’s right hand goes from Dan’s hip, down between his legs and start moving again. Dan lets go of Phil’s mouth a puts on a smirk. He moves to Phil’s ear and whispers in the most sexual way he can “wanna do it at the same time?”

Without answering, Phil pushes Dan’s shoulder so he lays down to Phil’s right. Phil still has his right hand where it belongs when Dan starts moving his left down Phil’s barely visible abs. They’re laying shoulders touching and Dan takes Phil’s face in his right hand and brings their mouths together. Dan’s left and Phil’s right hand is moving synchronized, their lips intertwined as well.

“I love you,” Dan pants. “I love this”

“I love you too,” Phil breathes against Dan’s lips. Their panting, moaning, breathing and kissing gets louder, messier and sloppier as they’re getting closer.

“Phil” Dan breathes.

“It’s okay”

“I’m…” Dan tries.

“So am I” Phil comforts, also him a moaning mess. “Let go, love”

And Dan does, only seconds before Phil. Their lips let go and their foreheads meet as they pant back down into normal breathing.

 

 

**safe to read**

 

 

Dan turn to lay on his side, head resting on Phil’s shoulder and arm across his torso. Phil’s right arm is under Dan and his hand is resting against Dan’s bare hip. Phil moves Dan’s curly fringe out of his face with his left hand and kisses his forehead. They lay like this for a while, enjoying each other and the peace and quiet for once.

It doesn’t last forever, like they’d whished, as Blue’s tiny whimpers stir them.

“I’ll get him” Phil smiles. He lets go of Dan and moves over to the crib. He smiles down at their boy. “Good morning, sunshine”

The whimpers stop at the sight of Phil, but he picks him up anyway.

“Phil, we need to take a shower,” Dan laughs at the stickiness spread across their torsos.

“Yeah,” Phil laughs and makes sure not to get Blue too close to him. “Right away?”

“We should” Dan responds and they both get out of bed. He mumbles something about dead siblings, but Phil decides to let it slide.

“Do you think he’s hungry?” Phil asks.

“Probably”

“I’ll make him a bottle; you’ll get the gym and start the shower”

“Sounds like a plan” Dan responds and they head each their way.

Dan head to the living room to get the gym. Apparently, that’s what they’re called, the mats with the arches with things dangling from them. He picks it up and heads to the bathroom. This is what they do when they want to shower together, place Blue in a gym on the floor. They don’t know if it’s safe, but Phil hasn’t come up with a way he can get hurt yet, so for now they’re rolling with it.

While the bottle heats, Phil takes a few paper towels and wipes off his stomach.

“That’s better” he says and holds Blue against himself. “We’ll have to wash this onesie either way, but at least now you won’t have to say hello to your ‘dead siblings’” he says and rolls his eyes.

“That’s such a weird thing to say,” he laughs. Just then, the bottle is finished and Phil takes it and brings it to Blue’s mouth. He’s gotten better at feeding him now, more confident as he does it. It’s not something he thinks about anymore, just something that comes natural to him.

He holds Blue with his left arm and the bottle to his mouth with his right. He gets up and heads towards the bathroom. He opens the door and is greeted with his favorite ass in this whole world as Dan is turning on their shower. He stops in the doorway, not saying anything.

“I could get used to the view,” he finally says. Dan turns around with a smirk.

“Really?” he says and walks towards Phil. When Dan is right in front of him, he stops and grabs Phil’s ass, which he can’t get enough of. He brings their lips together, leading Phil into the bathroom. Blue is still in-between them, eating his breakfast without a care in this world. Dan lets go, looking into Phil’s blue oceans, and no longer the sexual lust, but the endless love for his little family, warms him from the inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my first ever attempt at smut, so hope you like it, and if there's anything at all that doesn't seem right or is badly explained or whatever, I'd love to know so I could do something about it
> 
> Always open to requests, hopes and visions you might have! :)


	18. Him in bed late at night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blue won't stop crying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Trapdoor" by tøp
> 
> This chapter is vaguely based on a real life experience where I was baby sitting a little girl that just wouldn't stop crying, to the point where I got my mom to come over to try and help me (it was my neighbor's daughter), but nothing helped, so I ended up carrying her for the entire time I was there cuz it was the only way she would be quiet

Dan’s beauty sleep is interrupted by a loud whimpering. Not that it hasn’t happened a hundred times before, but he’ll never get used to the heartbreaking cries of his little baby boy. He was lying on his stomach only moments ago, but now he’s sitting on the bed, picking his two-month-old out of his crib. He puts his right arm under Blue’s bum, his left thumb under his arm and the four remaining fingers as back support. 

“Are you hungry, duckling?” Dan whispers. 

He kisses Blue’s cheek, leans him against his shoulder, and puts his left hand against his back. He gets up and leaves the room as quiet as he can, making sure to close the door behind him as to not stir Phil. They do every other night, switching between having Blue’s crib at Dan’s and Phil’s side of the bed. Tonight it’s Dan’s turn to take care of Blue, letting Phil sleep. He walks towards the kitchen to make Blue a bottle. 

He heats it up, bouncing Blue up and down in the meantime, trying to get him to stop crying. But he won’t. He won’t stop crying. Dan figures he’s just hungry, so as soon as the bottle is ready, he sits down and offers it to his son. Blue takes it in his mouth and sucks on it until it’s empty. The little boy’s eyes start to droop and Dan brings him back to their bedroom. 

He puts him down in his crib, but the moment he lets go, the whimpering starts. The heartbreaking whimpering of an unhappy baby. Dan picks him on and sits on his bed with the boy in his arms. Blue grabs Dan’s t-shirt in his little fists, holding on to it for dear life. Dan starts rubbing soothing circles on his back until the whimpering stops. He’s about to put Blue back down, but he is still holding on to Dan’s shirt. 

“Let go, sweetie,” he whispers against the little boy’s ear. But Blue doesn’t let go. 

Dan tries his best to remove the little hands from himself and puts his baby back down. Again, as soon as Dan lets go, Blue starts to cry. He picks him back up and decides to leave to room. Phil deserves his sleep.

He walks down the hall while bouncing the boy, trying to get him to fall asleep. After walking up and down the hall, he enters the living room and sits down on the couch. His crease is a comfort. 

Blue sits on his laps with his legs on either side of Dan’s torso, head resting against his chest.

“Sleep little baby” Dan starts singing. Again, he is rubbing circles on Blue’s back, trying to get his son to fall asleep.

They sit there for a while, maybe fifteen minutes, maybe thirty. Maybe Dan even fell asleep and it’s been two hours. Who knows? Either way, Dan is sure Blue is asleep and decides to go back to bed, but the minute he lets go of his son, he wakes up and starts crying. Maybe he wasn’t even sleeping in the first place. But Dan is fed up. He’s tired and grumpy and he wants them both to sleep. 

He knows he’s not supposed to do this, but he’s bloody tired and there’s no other way Blue will let them sleep. So Dan picks Blue up from his crib and lays down on his back, resting his baby on his stomach. He pulls the blanket over them, making sure not to cover Blue’s head. He falls asleep like that, trusting that his unconscious self is still aware of Blue and that he won’t try to move in his sleep. 

“Dan”

Dan doesn’t understand where the voice is coming from. It doesn’t fit in anywhere in his dream.

“Dan, love” it’s Phil. Dan grunts, it feels like he’s been sleeping for only a few minutes.

“Dan, love, wake up” Phil whispers by his face, leaving behind a kiss on his cheek. 

Dan smiles without opening his eyes, and is about to lay on his side when he can feel the extra weight on his torso. No, he’s not still pregnant. He hasn’t been for months. He opens his eyes slowly, making them get used to the bright light of the august morning. There, still sleeping, curled up on his dad stomach, is his little baby boy.

The overwhelming feeling of love toward his baby and fiancé quickly disappears when Phil starts speaking.

“Dan, why is Blue in our bed” Phil says in a strict tone. Dan hates when it gets to that. He can sense Phil’s worry.

“He wouldn’t stop crying” Dan looks at Phil with doe eyes. “He wouldn’t let me put him down. As soon as I put him down and let go, he would start whimpering. I didn’t know what else to do, Phil” He can feel a pain in his legs from laying still for too long. 

“It’s not safe for him to be in our bed when we’re sleeping, you know that, Dan. We’re two giant, grown up people who could hurt him in so many ways.” 

“I’m sorry, Phil. I just wanted to sleep. I’ve been laying completely still, I promise. My legs even hurt,” he explained as emotional as he could. “Please don’t be mad, Phil” he said, almost at the verge of tears. Not that he really needed to cry. What he needed was for Phil to understand and go easy on him. He needed Phil to understand that it seemed like the only option to Dan, and he didn’t want Phil to be mad about it.

“I’m not mad. You know that I only get worried about him. I just want him to be safe. And I know that you want that too. Next time you wake me, okay? And I’ll try and help you”

“I promise”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have any ideas right now, so anything, even vague ones, would be highly appreciated!


	19. Together we go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They start discussing the wedding, but something (or someone) interupts them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Oh Ms Believer" by tøp

“Should we start planning the wedding soon?” Dan asks. “It’s been almost a year,” he points out.

They were eternally happy about getting married, but when Dan got pregnant with Blue, they decided to put it off until after he was born. They didn’t feel the need to be married before they had their child, and Phil didn’t want to put all the stress on Dan. Now, Blue is almost three months and they’re ready to start thinking about it again. 

“It has,” he agrees and looks at Blue with loving eyes. 

They are sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast, Blue resting on Dan’s knee with a protective arm around his belly. Dan is shoving cereal in his mouth and from time to time Blue tries to grab the spoon. Dan will say “hey” in a strict tone, move the spoon out of Blue’s reach and look at him with disappointment. “Daddy’s food” he will say and Blue will put his arms back down and pout, looking up to Phil with his doe eyes to get some sympathy. 

“When?” Phil asks. He wants to establish that first. “What season? Winter wedding? Or summer wedding?”

“Winter might be a little soon. And cold. What about spring or summer?”

“What about your birthday?” Phil nods towards both his husband-to-be and his son. “Or?”

“No, I’d like to celebrate his first birthday properly” Dan argues. “Not in the shadow of our wedding”

“Right. I agree” Phil looks to the floor. He looks back up. “What about May?”

“May sounds good.”

“Yeah? Where would we have it?” he stops himself. “That depends on how many we’re inviting” 

“Should we make lists about that first? I wouldn’t wa.. Hey!” he says when Blue tries to grab his spoon again. “/My/ breakfast. Anyway, I don’t want to invite too many people. This is something to share with the most important people in our lives, and not just anyone, and this is gonna be expensive either way”

“I know, but we don’t have to worry about the money” he puts a hand on Dan’s. “You’ll get the wedding you want and deserve, no matter the costs, okay?”

“Phil…”

“Don’t ‘Phil’ me. I mean it. If you want the expensive cake, then that’s what we’re getting”

“Fine, but I’m not the only one who’s getting married. I want every decision to be a compromise. We’re going to agree on things, a mutual agreement on everything. No ‘you decide’, okay?”

“Promise”

“Good” Dan puts another spoonful of cereal in his mouth and chews.

“Should we make a list first and then look for the venue later? I mean anything else isn’t really a rush, right?”

“Yeah. Let’s do that after bre… Stop it!” he suddenly exclaims. 

“Hey, let me take him” Phil laughs and moves Blue from Dan’s knee to his own. “Hi pumpkin, you want daddy’s breakfast?”

“Obviously” Dan laughs, not really annoyed. 

Phil lifts Blue up so he’s as good as standing on his thighs. Phil is holding his upper body with strong, protective hands. Blue’s legs are straight and stiff, his hand is in his mouth and he’s smiling. Phil is making faces back at him. Phil carefully lets go of Blue’s body with his right hand to pull up his shirt, but it’s quickly back holding his boy. He shines a big, bright smile at Blue before he leans his face against his tummy. 

He starts blowing little ‘raspberries’ against his bare skin and he almost starts giggling, but not really. Phil stops, looks at Blue and smiles when he sees his son’s reaction. 

He goes back to blowing another one and Dan can’t help but laugh as well. They’re so cute and Phil is so good with Blue. In Dan’s opinion, Phil, and his entire personality, is made to be a dad. After the whole feeding issue in the beginning, it might be hard to imagine, but Phil is made to be a dad. Dan thinks he’s perfect, knowing just what their son wants and needs at all times. Dan knows Phil has put a lot of work to be able to know all he does. He has spent late nights on his computer or with books, reading up on every available knowledge about pregnancy or childcare. Phil has been so invested, ever since that day in the bathroom, when Dan had gotten the negative result and was crying. Phil has been right there by his side all along, serving the most incredible facts, but also vital information, about Dan’s pregnancy and the raising of Blue. 

Dan wants to tell Phil. He wants Phil to know what an incredible parent he is. He wants him to know that Dan wouldn’t have been able to do it without Phil. That he truly is amazing. He wants Phil to know that Dan could never ask for anyone better to co-parent with. He wants him to know that even though Dan doubts himself a lot about this, it’s okay, because Phil is by his side through it all. He wants Phil to know how grateful he is of him and everything he does. But Dan whishes Phil just knew and that he didn’t have to tell him, because Dan doesn’t know how to. He’s not good with words. He doesn’t know where to start or what to say. Everything is going to sound like a cliché.

“Thank you,” he almost whispers. 

He has finished his breakfast and he’s sitting leaned back with his feet on the chair as well, hugging his legs. Phil looks at him with questioning eyes.

“For what?” he is genuinely curious and doesn’t know why Dan suddenly thanks him. 

“For being you. For being such a wonderful parent to Blue. You know, the normal stuff. That I appreciate you” Dan tries awkwardly.

“’The normal stuff’?” Phil laughs.

“No…” Dan half cuts him off. “I just… You… I… Never mind, it’s just cliché”

“No, Dan, we have to be able to complement each other” he says in a worried tone. It’s not that he badly wants the compliments, but he knows that if they leave it at this, Dan’s anxiety is going to make him think about it all day. Make him think about how he messed up and how he should have said it differently. 

“Philip” Dan is suddenly very formal, back straight. Phil know this is an act and that he’s doing it to be funny, so Phil straightens his back as well. “I appreciate you. I think you’re a great parent”

“Thank you, Daniel. I feel the same way about you”

“Thank you, Philip, I really appreciate it” Dan says while still keeping a face, but shortly after they burst out laughing. They have to do this, laugh off mistakes like that. Dan is an over thinker and it doesn’t make a difference that they’re practically married. Not that this was a big deal, but Phil knows that Dan would have thought about it and it would have bugged him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you have any ideas? Maybe specifically about sofa cuddles or some fluff like that with all three of them? I'm in the middle of a chapter where that would be nice and I need some suggestions on it. But other than that, any requests for whatever is highly appreciated. And for you who have requested stuff, I appreciate it so much, and if I haven't answered the request yet, I'm most likely planning to


	20. Laugh in the face of gravity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blue does a new thing and wedding plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from "slowtown" by tøp
> 
> If you want to see the venue I'm basing it on, google "wedding venues London", and on pictures, it's the second one
> 
> Hi guys! I'm back and I'm back to stay (hopefully, at least for a while)  
> I know it's been five months but I hope I haven't lost too many of you.  
> Short life summary (only if you're interested in my personal life):  
> I went on a volutairy school trip to Paris shortly after posting the last chapter. On the plain home I started talking to this guy from school that I hadn't really talked to before and we got along. We ended up becoming a couple. During summer I worked a ful time job, at the same time as I was spending a lot of time with him and my friends. He was moving across the country in august to start university, so we broke up. I didn't start school so I countinued working close to ful time and traveling a little bit. 
> 
> *End of life update*
> 
> Now I'm back into writing and I have a chapter lined up while working on another one. I have many ideas of how I want the story and plot to go, so I'm far from done with this story yet. I'll go back to posting about twice a week (if I'm able to) and if traveling or anything else comes in the way, I'll be sure to tell you this time ;)
> 
> In the meanwhile: enjoy another chapter

Dan is on the couch scrolling twitter, Blue lying next to him. His right hand is rested on Blue’s tummy and he’s playing with Dan’s fingers, occasionally sucking or biting them. Phil is in the kitchen making lunch.  
Dan’s scrolling stops at a video clip. He clicks on it. It’s two young people going to prom, walking down the stairs. Suddenly the boy slips and slides down the stairs. The fall takes Dan by surprise and he bursts out laughing. He stops almost immediately though, as he can hear someone else laughing as well. It’s not really a full laugh, it’s more like a little giggle, and Dan can tell it’s not Phil. It’s not Phil. And there’s no one else in the house other than Phil. With wide eyes, Dan look down at Blue. It’s Blue. The little giggles are coming from Blue. 

“PHIL!” he shouts. “You gonna show your papa what you just did as well?” he coos at his son. 

“PHIL!” he shouts again when his fiancé doesn’t show up in the door.

“COMING” Phil shouts back. 

“HURRY YOU TWAT” Dan shouts before he laughs a little. A laugh Blue notices and tries his best to imitate. 

If Dan had just shouted for him to hurry, Phil would have been worried. Worried that something had happened. But since he added ‘you twat’ he knows he doesn’t have to be. 

“What?” he says as he enters their lounge. 

“Tell me a joke you know will make me laugh”

“What? This is why you called me in here?”

“No... Yes… Just… Tell me a joke”

“Okay” he thinks about it for a second. “What time did the man go to the dentist?”

“I don’t know Phil, when did he?”

“Tooth hurt-y” Phil says with a smile.

“Omg” Dan manages to say, but he’s mostly laughing. And then Blue starts laughing too. 

“Do you hear that?” Dan says. “He’s laughing. I haven’t heard him do that before”

“Me neither. They usually start doing that about three to four months, but since he’s a premmie, I just figured he’d be a little late with stuff”

“He loved your joke” Dan smiles. “Such a dad joke” 

“It’s not!” Phil says, pretending to be offended.

“It is! It’s a pun-based joke, such a dad joke. You’re such a dad”

“Well, I just so happen to be a dad” he says and picks up Blue before he sits down next to Dan. He pulls his legs up under himself and lets Blue sit on his lap. He leans in and rests his head on Dan’s shoulder. 

“Have you looked at some venues?” he asks.

They had made a list each of people they wanted to invite and then put them together. A lot of the friends were the same and they managed to cut the list a little. They didn’t want this to be a big thing. They didn’t want to have a lot of people, they wanted it to be small and intimate. They wanted only the most important people in their lives to be there. They had ended up with 56 people. Only 56 of their closest friends and family. Initially they’d hoped for 50, but cutting off people was a lot harder than they had anticipated. It was like the myspace-lists back in the day, you had to rank you friends based to who you liked the most.  
And just like myspace, this was bound to make someone mad. 

Dan leans forward and picks up his laptop from the coffee table. He quickly opens it as he leans back into the warmth of Phil’s body. Dan is resting his legs on the table as he is waiting for his laptop to start. Blue is reaching his hands towards his daddy and making noises. 

“Hi, duckling” he says and picks up his son, making him stand on his thighs. Blue’s tiny hands is reaching for Dan’s face and Dan lets him lean in so he can touch it. 

Dan’s computer starts up and the screen is glowing blue at them. Phil takes Blue from Dan so he can type in his password and he does. He goes straight to the tab with the venues he’s been looking at. 

“I like this one” Dan says and shows Phil. It’s old. Not ‘old’ as in run down, but ‘old’ as in hundreds of years old, decorated with golden embodiments and marble statues. The end wall is a dark wine red. 

“That’s gorgeous” Phil says. 

“I haven’t looked at that many, but this is definitely my favorite one”

“I absolutely love it”

“Wait, here’s a ’27 unique London wedding venues’” Dan says and clicks on the google link. They scroll through it together.

“Honestly, I didn’t like any of them that much. I’d still prefer the first one” Phil proclaims.

“Really? Me to, I think” Dan follows.

“Do you wanna call them right away?” Phil tries. He’s sitting up a little more now, sharing eye contact with Dan. The realization hits Dan now and he’s nervous. Talking to the venue people is going to make it so official. But he looks into Phil’s eyes and he can see, and feel, that Phil is so excited.

“Sure” he says and plasters on a smile.

Dan ignores the feeling in his stomach when he searches for the number on the venue website. He tells himself he’s just excited and that the growing lump in his stomach is just butterflies. You’re supposed to be nervous he thinks.

“There” Phil says and point on a sequence of numbers on the screen that Dan hasn’t noticed. He was too deep in his own mind. He swallows his thoughts and forces himself to be as excited as Phil is. 

Phil dials the number into his phone. Dan outs his laptop back on the table and takes Blue from Phil. He hugs his baby a little tighter than he wants Phil to know, as Phil puts his phone on speaker. 

The receptionist introduces himself.

“Hello, this is Philip Lester. I was just wondering if there is any possibility for me and my fiancé to come and take a look at your venue?”

“Of course. What time are you able to come?” Phil looks at Dan.

“Any day, any time. We both work from home, so whenever you’re able is fine”

“This Saturday at 1 there can be someone here. Is that okay for you?”

“That sounds good. Thank you so much”

“What did you say your name was?”

“Philip Lester”

“Philip Lester, Saturday, the 22, at 1”

“Yes, thank you again” Phil smiles at the phone. 

They finish the call and hang up. Phil turns to Dan and they make eye contact. Phil gives Dan a careful smile and Dan lets his face turn into a big smile. He lets his body carefully drop onto Phil. He rests his head on Phil’s lap, Blue lying flat on Dan’s stomach. Phil smiles down at Dan and starts playing with his dark brown hair. Oh, how Phil wish he would keep it curly all the time. On days like these, when there is only the two – correction; three – of them at home, Dan will let his adorable, natural curls be. And Phil can’t help but twist the little “pig tales” around his fingers. Even though Dan has never been a fan of them, Phil loves them. He thinks they makes him look cuter, sweeter. Without telling Dan, he secretly hopes Blue inherits Dan’s adorable, chocolate curls.

\--------------------

After the tour of the venue, the guide leaves them alone for a little bit.

“Dan, I love this so much” 

“So do I. Like I don’t even feel like looking at somewhere else ‘cause I feel like we’ll just compare it to this place”

“Are you 100% sure, love”

“Yes” he says with determination. “Let’s get married here” 

Dan leans in for a kiss and their lips meet just the way he needs them to. It’s one of those “actions speech louder than words” kind of kisses that two engaged people share where it’s just a comfort that they love each other. No one needs to say it out loud, they just know. As they let go, Dan grabs Phil’s hand and they walk over to the counter together where the guide is smiling at them. 

“How are your availability in May?” Phil asks.  
“One second” he says. “There’s May 6 and May 27”

The boys look at each other. 

“May 6?” Dan tries while still keeping eye contact with Phil. “I think the 27 would be too close to the birthday”

“You’re right” Phil says. “Are you sure? Are we booking it now?”

“Yes” Dan says with a smile. He doesn’t want to think about it anymore, he just wants the decisions done. Now they’ll have a time and a place.

“May 6” Phil says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this was worth five months of waiting (it wasn't, lol, but there will be more shortly, I promise!!)


	21. It's warmer in the morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morning fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short one but I love it so idgaf

Blue have been on Phil’s side of the bed tonight. They’re still taking turns on who cares for him at night, but now that he’s getting older, he’s almost sleeping through the night. They have been good at putting him to bed around 7:30 every night to get him into routine, which Phil had read somewhere. They are doing everything they can and Blue will maybe wake up only once or twice during the night. 

This isn’t one of those times. This time, Phil is just awake for no reason. It’s almost 8 am and the sun is starting to beam through the curtains. Phil is just lying in bed, unable to sleep. He’s been awake for about ten minutes, in which he has only been staring at Blue. Their creation is laying on his back in his crib, chest slowly rising and falling. Phil could lay like this forever. But he’s getting hungry and his stomach is starting to growl. The last thing he wants is to wake up his boys, but leaving bed is a close second. It’s a rather cold November morning and leaving the warmth and security of the sheets is anything but tempting. 

“On three” he thinks for himself. “One. Two. Three”

And on three he throws the blanket off and sits on the edge of their bed. He tries to rub the left over sleep out of his eyes when he feels warm hands fumbling for his skin. They grip his hips weakly and tries to pull him back down.

“Mm-no, stay” Dan mumbles. Phil doesn’t have the willpower in his body to walk out of Dan’s grip and get out of bed. He sits for a second, but when Dan’s hands again pull him, he lets himself fall back down next to his fiancé. Dan wraps arms around Phil, and Phil never stops loving the feeling of Dan’s warm chest against his back. It makes him feel loved. In the beginning, he had just assumed this endless feeling of happiness and content would pass, but it never did. It still gives him slight butterflies and warms his heart a little. He’s loved. He is loved. Someone loves him. 

Phil read a book once that said something like ‘Things are not magical because they’ve been conjured for us by some outside force. They are magical because we create them’. And in this very moment, he can’t agree more. In this very moment, on a cold November morning, nothing feels more magical than this intimate moment shared between two engaged men, in an apartment in London.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The quote at the end is from the David Levithan book "Two boys kissing" and you should all read it


	22. A train from the sky, locomotive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A train ride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from Screen by tøp
> 
> Up until now (since Blue was born) the chapters have been taking place about a month apart, but these next chapters will be within a short period of time
> 
> I don't want to pretend I know anything about their real lives, and because of that, I use different names for their families, but also different stories. For now, I'm basing Dan's family and story off of my own. Phil's family will be more average family I guess

“Honey, are you ready soon?” Dan yells from the living room. Blue is lying on a blanket on the floor with a toy in his mouth. Bags and backpacks are by the dining table. Dan is already wearing his winter coat and boots. Blue is ready except his coat. 

“I’m coming, love” Phil says as he comes rushing out of Blue’s bedroom stuffing something into the bag in his hand. 

“I’ll finish Blue, you get dressed and ready?” Dan says as if it’s a question, when in reality is more of a command.

“Yeah”

“I really don’t want to be late” Dan mumbles as he picks up Blue and puts on his coat. They’re a little behind schedule, but they had estimated plenty time. Still, he doesn’t want to be late and force his mom to wait.  
Dan puts on a backpack, carries Blue on one arm and a bag with another one. He walks down the stairs to their hall where Blue’s stroller is waiting. He tucks their boy in under the blankets and puts on him a hat and mittens. Shortly after Phil is rushing down the stairs with a backpack and two bags. It looks like they’re moving out. Dan swears it’s mostly presents.

Shortly after, they leave the apartment, headed for the subway station. 

When they’re finally at the train station, they’re ten minutes later than Dan had hoped. Still it’s ten minutes until their train leaves. They’re walking down the platform, looking for Dan’s mom, when she sticks her head out the door they just passed, and calls their names. 

“Dan, Phil” the boys hear in a familiar voice. They turn around and see a brown-haired woman staring at them with a smile on her face.

“Mom, hi” Dan smiles at her and turns around with the stroller.

“Hi Helen” Phil smiles as they’re approaching her. She helps them onboard with the stroller and their bags, and leads them towards the four-seater she’s been keeping for them. 

“How is my grandson” she coos at the little boy as she picks him up from his stroller. Dan and Phil are already seated and have started to take off their coats and scarfs. The train ride to Manchester takes two hours and there’s no reason for wearing their thick coats on this hot train. 

“I love your sweater” Helen laughs, talking about Phil’s, which depicts a very distressed, half-eaten gingerbread man.

“I mean, what’s Christmas without ugly Christmas sweaters?” he asks.

“I know, right?” Dan says as he pulls off his coat, revealing his own sweater with Christmas lights, some of them even 3D pom-pom balls. 

“You guys are so festive! Are you excited?” This will be Blue’s first Christmas so the families agreed to celebrate it together. Phil’s parents insisted on hosting, which Dan’s mom wasn’t opposed to. The Lester house was more spacious and it was easier for Helen to travel alone, than to get both of Phil’s parents to her.

“I’m looking forward to a big family Christmas” Dan slightly mumbles. Before his parents divorced, every life event was celebrated with a big family get together. But his mom’s family isn’t like that, and after he decided to cut ties with his dad after the divorce, it was mostly only him and his mom on holidays. A big family celebration is what he loves about celebrating with the Lesters. He feels slightly guilty about this, though, at least in front of his mom. It isn’t her fault her family is like that, and he don’t like comparing them to his dad’s family. Especially when his dad’s family is the preferred example. 

“I don’t know why we haven’t done this before” Phil questions. “We should make it a tradition to celebrate together”

“Hopefully we’ve bought a bigger place by next Christmas and we can be the ones hosting” Dan suggests. 

“That would be great” Phil says, daydreaming of celebrating Blue’s birthday, Christmases and everything in between in a new house. Their lease expires in May and the plan is to buy a bigger house this time. They want something stable for Blue and possible other children to grow up in. 

“Did you talk to Sam?” Dan asks, breaking the awkward silence that was building up. It is a rather uncomfortable question for Dan. Sam has always been a topic he’d rather not talk about. Even though they’re brothers, they haven’t acted like it in over twelve years. 

“I did. You /know/ he’s excited about Bl….”

“Is he though?” Dan asks slightly annoyed, interrupting her. 

“Dan” she says in the way you talk to your child who’s just been rude. “As I was saying, you /know/ he’s excited about Blue, and he would have loved to be there, but this is hard for him too, you know. He doesn’t want to disappoint your dad and…”

“And he’s basically straight up against me and the way I live my life, including the fact that I have a male fiancé and a biological child?” Dan’s dad had turned out to be quite the judgmental person, which really got to shine through when he was to raise Sam all by himself. Dan never realized while they lived together, but seeing Sam after a few years in a household with only their dad, his opinions was showing thought his son. Sam is negative to anything related to LGBTQ+ and he has anything but said straight out that he doesn’t agree with Dan’s existence and lifestyle. At least that’s the way Dan sees it. 

“I’m not gonna even start this discussion with you, Daniel” she says, obviously annoyed. She ignores her son, turning her attention back to her grandson. He’s now standing on her thighs, looking at her with a hand in his mouth. She coos at him, making baby-noises along with the boy. 

“He’s a human, you can talk to him as one” Dan spits out. Now he’s annoyed, and he doesn’t feel like containing himself. 

“Don’t” Phil says as he looks at Helen, then at Dan. “Leave it” 

Phil feels like a kindergarten-employee, but he feels it’s necessary. It’s Christmas after all. 

Phil pushes the armrest between him and Dan back. He has already kicked his shoes off. Dan, who has been looking at him pulling his feet up into the seat, is onto what he wants, so he lifts his arm and turns his body slightly. Phil smiles satisfied and leans into the embrace of Dan. Phil makes this a happy moment again.


	23. I will tell you I love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas brings back old memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from "Oh Miss Believer" by tøp, and if you've read this chapter, you'll know why I'm so excited about the title and how well it fits
> 
> I was originally going to post this tomorrow (cuz of the whole October 19 thing) but I'm too excited to show you this chapter. This is a perfect example of how the story just comes to me while I'm writing. I never planned for the throwback, I even went back and added it
> 
> Hope you absolutely love it as much as I do!

Phil’s parents had insisted on picking them up at the train station, but Phil had insisted they take a cab. It’s two days till Christmas and Phil knows how busy his mom is, despite what she says. Matt ended up picking them up, thought. Between the stroller and Dan’s mom, they figured it was easier. 

When they enter the Lester house, it smells of some kind of food. To Phil, it smells like Christmas. 

“Mom” Phil yells.

“Oh, there are my boys” Karen says as she comes out of the kitchen. “How is my grandson doing?” she coos as she takes him out of her son’s arms.

“He’s good” Phil mumbles. He knows it was a rhetorical question. 

“Merry Christmas” she says and hugs her son and then Dan.

“Merry Christmas Karen” Dan’s mom says. They exchange a smile. Dan can tell that his mom feels a little uncomfortable. She always liked the idea of coming here so both of Phil’s parents didn’t have to go all the way to her house, but she still feels like she’s intruding. She is eating off of Phil’s parents, sleeping in their house. She had tried to offer to pay for some of the food, but Karen had anything but laughed in her face and politely refused. 

“Let’s put the bags in the bedrooms” Dan suggests at his mom with a smile. Karen tries to offer her assistants, but Phil insists she’s more of a help looking after Blue in the meantime. She doesn’t argue as she doesn’t get to see her grandson half as much as she would have wanted. 

“You’ll be staying in here” Phil says and opens the door to Matt’s old room. “And the bathroom is there” is says and points at a door down the hall. 

As she goes into what will be her room, Dan and Phil continue down to Phil’s old room. They open the wooden door to so many memories. Phil still lived here when they first got to know each other. It was in this room they first spent physical quality time together. It was in this room they for real fell in love. Between these walls they first made love. Between these walls they stayed up all night talking, either in real life or thought skype. It was in this room, with both of them on Phil’s bed, that Dan had told him his biggest secret. 

They had been official for just over a year. Yes, it had taken Dan that long. He was used to a reaction of disgust and words when people found out. It had been a cold December morning, almost seven years ago exactly. Dan had come up to Manchester a couple of days after Christmas, when his parents had allowed him to leave. Phil had met him at the train station and they had taken a cab back to Phil’s house together. Dan had said hi to Phil’s parents, had some small talk, before they let the boys go. Both Karen and Steven knew that all the madly in love boys wanted to do was be alone with each other. 

As soon as Phil’s bedroom door was closed, they were all over each other. Lips meeting lips, or skin. Hands roaming, clothes scattering the floor. So much lust and love. They had made love right there on Phil’s bed. Afterwards they had cuddled. Phil was on his back, Dan was resting his head on his shoulder. That’s how it had always been, how it still is. Dan had decided to tell Phil. He had decided it was time. As they were lying there in silence, enjoying each other, Dan felt the lump in his stomach growing. His chest was tightening. He was chewing his lip. He felt horrible. 

To end his suffering, he decided to just do it. Without thinking more about it, he loosened himself from Phil’s arms and sat up. He started playing with his fingers. Looked down at his hands, at the walls, anywhere but Phil.

“I have to tell you something” he confessed. “Promise you won’t think differently about me” he pleaded.

“What did you do? Kill a man?” Phil joked, trying to laugh it all away. Dan didn’t appreciate it and Phil could tell. “I’m sorry. Go ahead” he said in a serious tone, sitting up as well. 

“I…” Dan tried. He chewed his lip again. Phil noticed it all and moved a little closer and put a hand on Dan’s. He forced Dan to hold his hand and with the other one, he lifted Dan’s face so they could have eye contact.

“Hey, nothing you say can change how I feel about you” Phil paused. It was the right time to say it. “I love you no matter what” It was the first time they used the L-word. It had taken them long, but this time it felt right. 

Dan decided to just say it, get it over with.

“I’m a carrier” he said and looked away. “Don’t worry, I’m on birth control” he mumbled. 

Phil’s left hand was still by Dan’s chin and he forced the other boy to have eye contact with him again. Dan didn’t want to. Didn’t want to see the disgust in Phil’s face. When he looked back into the blue pits of safety, he could only see happiness. Phil’s face was lighting up. His face was one big smile.

“Really?” he said and his voice drowned in happiness. 

“You…?” Dan tried, genuinely confused.

Phil pulled him in and embraced him. He was crushing him, but Dan didn’t care. The response was anything but what he had expected. He had never experienced anything like this. No one was ever this happy about finding out.

“Oh, Dan, I love you” Phil said. Dan hugged him back, still confused. “Thank you” Phil whispered in his ear. 

Soon after, Dan felt something wet on his naked shoulder. When he pulled back, Phil was crying.

“Phil?” Dan’s mouth was slightly open in shock. He didn’t know what was going on. Was it even real?

“Come here” Phil smiled and pulled him in for another embrace. He leaned back so they both fell back in bed. They were back how they started, Phil on his back with Dan’s head on his shoulder. 

“Why are you so happy?” Dan managed to ask once he got back to himself. Once he realized this was all real and not just a figure of his imagination of how he would have hoped this would go. To be honest, he hadn’t in his wildest imagination thought it would go this well.

“Why wouldn’t I be happy? Don’t you know what this means?” 

“What do you mean?” Dan asked confused.

“Dan, this means we’ll be able to have children one day. You and I will be able to create a child together when the time comes. We don’t need to adopt someone else’s child, we can create our own. Don’t you see how wonderful that is?” Phil said while looking into his melted chocolate, before kissing his forehead.

“I guess I’ve never seen it that way before” he mumbled.

“What monster convinced you being a carrier was a bad thing? Dan, this is a blessing!” Phil exclaimed.

“Public school” Dan mumbled once again. 

“Dan, I love you, just the way you are, and this might even make me love you a little more” Phil said and got up so he was hunched over Dan. Now that the milestone of saying the L-word was passed, he couldn’t stop. 

While leaning on his left elbow, he pushed Dan’s long fringe out of his eyes and leaned in for a loving kiss. Without letting their lips part for more than a second, he moved so he was sat on top of Dan. They were two horny teenage boys; no way once was enough. Phil grinded into Dan before he let their lips detached. He attached them to Dan’s sensitive neck instead. 

“I love you” Dan said as Phil grinded into him again. 

That was seven years ago, but the room still looks the same. Phil had refused his parents to alter anything about it. It’s still the same plushies and posters. Anything Phil hadn’t taken with him to London is still here. It’s like walking back in time. Back to a time when everything was simple. They were two young boys in love. No worries, no responsibility. Still, Dan wouldn’t trade his life today with anything. Yes, Blue brought with him a lot of worries and responsibility, but he is still where Dan and Phil were always meant to end up. 

Little did Dan know when he poured his heart out on this very bed all those years ago that he would return with a baby as a result of his rare “condition”. Blue is what Phil was so excited about back then, and finally Dan sees it the same way as his fiancé. Him being a carrier truly is a blessing, and Blue is the perfect proof of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DM me if you want to talk, just in general or about the fic! If there's many of you, maybe I'll make a group chat. I like discussing the fic and as I only talk to one person who reads it (shoutout to mah gurl Mariah), I would like to hear from more of you!  
> IG: @dans.face  
> Twitter: @CharlyTuengen


	24. I know we've made it this far, kid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff and a little sidetrack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from "Migraine" by tøp
> 
> Just know I put a lot of work into the titles you probably don't even read...
> 
> So I don't really know how I feel about the second part of this chapter, but it literally came to me at like 4 am one day. I woke up idk why and as I was trying to sleep again, the idea came to me and I was just going to write the first couple of sentences, but then I ended up writing the whole thing, and I didn't want to not use it, so here you have some back story on Matt as well ;)
> 
> In case it's unclear: Matt is Phil's brother, Laura his wife and Amelia and Noah their kids. Helen is Dan's mom, and Karen and Stephen are Phil's parents

They’ve managed to make it from the dinner table to the common room. They’re all scattered on the floor, couches, chairs or other places they find to sit. The Lester house is big, but it was never furnished to host seven adults, three kids and a rather big dog. 

Dan is sitting in one of the couches, with Blue on his lap. Phil is sitting on the floor next to his legs, petting Moon, Matt and Laura’s grey mutt who everyone agrees is a “lap dog”. He’ll nudge you if you stop petting him, and as soon as you’re sitting, he’s headed for your lap. 

That’s when Amelia walks over. The adults are talking and it sounds like nonsense to her. She can’t understand, let alone participate. So she walks over to Dan, who isn’t talking weird adult stuff, but rather mumbling with his baby. Amelia loves babies. Not her baby brother, even though he’s not really a baby anymore, he’s two, but he still cries too much, Amelia thinks. Blue doesn’t cry that much. Amelia likes him. 

“Uncle Dan?”

“Yes, Amelia?” he pretends to be serious, as that’s how she opens the conversation. 

“Can I ask you something?” she has crawled onto the couch by now and is sitting next to her uncle.

“Of course, sweetie” 

“Where did you get him?” She looks Dan in the eyes with total seriousness. Phil, who’s sort of tried to keep up with the adult talk, now tunes in to Dan and Amelia’s conversation.

“Who? Your uncle Phil? You know, I found him in….” he starts before she cuts him off.

“Noooo” she says, the way only a five-year-old can. “Blue”

“Oh, this one? I made him” Dan says proudly. Amelia looks at him with wide eyes. Guess her parents never told her about where babies come from…

“You /made/ him?” 

“Yeah, in my tummy. Just like mommy made you and Noah in her tummy” Dan tries his best to explain.

“Men can do that too?”

“Yes, some men can” Dan says. “But only very few, so those who can are little miracles” Dan whispers to his niece. 

But Phil can hear it, and he can’t help but feel warmth and love, because he knows that Dan sees it as a blessing now. Dan just explained himself as a miracle to a five-year-old. Dan, his Dan, who years ago was afraid to tell people, now called it a miracle to a little girl. He’s come so far. He’s finally learned to accept it and he’s so proud.

\--------------------

They’ve opened the presents and Noah has fallen asleep. It’s getting late when Phil walks over to his brother and sits down next to him.

“How’s Rose?” Phil asks. 

“We went over to her house the other day with presents. Laura helped me pick them out. I mean, what do you buy a 13-year-old?” he rhetorically asks, seeming nervous and a little uncomfortable. 

Matt was never much included in Rose’s life. Her mom wouldn’t let him. They had her when Matt was only 19 and the girl 18. They were an on and off thing back then. A real unhealthy relationship. The girl’s parents had seen Matt as the worst thing to happen to their daughter, and they made her think so as well. Nine months later, their baby girl was born, and Matt couldn’t be there because the mom wouldn’t let him. 

Matt had fought for his little girl though. He had first insisted to the mom that he was to see his daughter. She had refused. Said he had nothing to do in /her/ daughter’s life. Matt had tried Eventually, with his parents and his brother at his back, he went to court. Right before Rose’s second birthday, he was granted every other weekend. And Matt took whatever he could get. He would pick her up from daycare on Friday and they would go somewhere. Even though Matt refused, his parents would give him money to do things. They would go to the zoo together, or just the park. When she got a little older, they went camping. And she loved the botanical garden. She loved the flowers and the butterflies. She would ask her dad to take pictures of her with the roses, and Matt would send them to her mother. He wanted her to see what a great father he could be.

It worked out for a couple of years. Then, the mom took Rose and moved to London, miles away from Matt, and she refused to let him see her. After that, he would only get to see his girl now and then. A week or two in the summer. A weekend in the fall when the mom was going on vacation alone. He tried going down to London to see her at least once a month. While the mom had been pretty determined to keep Matt away when Rose was little, she had loosened over the years. 

Laura had been so accepting. When Rose moved, they had just been seeing each other for a few months. She kept pushing him to go see Rose, even when he felt like giving up. She had gone with him to London, and done anything she could to make the trips possible. Laura’s support thought this hard time was what made Matt sure she was the one. 

Not three years later, Matt got to be there when his second daughter was born. And he cried. He got to hold Laura’s hand thought it all and when he finally got to hold his newborn daughter, he was crying like a baby. This was what it felt like. He had to sit down. It was so overwhelming. And Laura let him. She let him sit down with their newborn daughter before she could even see her herself. She knew what this meant to him. She could wait a few minutes when Matt had waited eight years. 

By the time Noah was born three year later, Rose and her mom had moved back to Manchester. And Matt made sure both of his girls got to meet their newborn brother. 

“Right” Phil awkwardly laughed. 

“She’s coming over tomorrow. She wanted to see you all, especially Blue. She’s so excited about her new cousin” 

“Oh, that’s so nice. It’s really been too long”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you are still invested cuz I have some pretty exciting stuff coming up, and since this is my fic I'm also gonna play with y'alls emotions *smirk emoji* so stay tuned *another smirk emoji*


	25. Will you buy me a house of gold?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> House shopping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from "House of Gold" from tøp
> 
> Here's a short one, and then there will be another short one on tuesday nov 14 (no spoiler but I love that one)
> 
> (for the timeline, this chapter is supposed to be around January)
> 
> Also, the house in the story is based off of a real London house for sale (I now desperately want to move to a £700 000 suburban London house *upside down smile emoji*)

“Oh, Dan, I love this kitchen” Phil says when they enter the room. It’s huge. The walls are slightly blue and the cupboards are egg white with steel handles. The kitchen appliances are integrated with the cupboards. In the middle there’s a beautiful wooden dinner table. 

“Could you imagine cooking dinner for you family here?” Dan asks. 

“I absolutely could” Phil smiles at him.

They only have four months left of the lease on their current apartment, and as sad as it is, they’ll have to find something else. It’s bittersweet. The apartment holds so many memories. It was the first place they properly lived together. It’s where Phil proposed. Where Blue, their baby boy, was conceived and lived for almost the first year of his life. Still, Dan and Phil want more kids in the future and they have both agreed they need something bigger. Something that’s really theirs. They want to buy a house. A proper family house. 

They are visiting one right now. A beautiful Victorian house about half an hour outside London center. It has dark wooden floors and white walls. The bathrooms are newly renovated. The kitchen is just what they want. And it has a backyard, which in Phil’s opinion need some work, and a lot of plants. All the houses in the street are typical British brick houses, and most of them are just brick colored. But the one Dan and Phil are looking at is dark blue. A beautiful dark blue color that looks amazing to the light blue houses on either side. They wouldn’t mind coming home to this at all. 

This isn’t the first house they’ve looked at. There’s been a few, but in Dan and Phil’s opinion, the layout of the houses has been all wrong. This one, on the other hand, is perfect. The first floor is a huge kitchen and living room. The second floor is three rather large bedrooms and a bathroom. The third floor has a master bedroom and its own bathroom. 

“We could live on this floor with the kids until they get a little older and then we could move up to the master bedroom” Phil fantasizes.

“Yeah. And I love the sizes of all the bedrooms” Dan says. “We could have that one” Dan says and points to the bedroom to the left. 

“And then Blue would be right next to us” Phil fills in. And they make plans in their heads, together, about how they want to furnish the house, what they want it to look like. They build an alternative future in their heads and it involves this exact house. And the dream is perfect. 

“We need this house” Dan says. He’s absolutely fallen in love with the house, and the neighborhood, and everything related to this place. 

“We do” Phil agrees. He sees it too, how Blue and any future children are going to grow up in this house. How they will play in the garden, or run up and down these exact stairs. And he feels so ready to settle down like that with Dan, in this house. 

Two days later the house it theirs. At least on paper. There’s another two and a half months until they can start moving in, and the boys can’t wait.


	26. When our momma sang us to sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baby Blue sleeps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from “Stressed Out” by tøp
> 
> This is supposed to be the February chapter (remember I said there would be a month between the stories in the chapters) and that Blue would be 8 months in February but just ignore that
> 
> I kinda love this chapter so hope you do too! It’s wednesday, not Tuesday like I promised, but at least you’re getting it!
> 
> I’m currently in Amsterdam, waiting for my plane to depart to San Francisco’s, where I’ll stay for two weeks to celebrate Thanksgiving with my fam, so there won’t be another chapter for maybe about three weeks, but stay tuned, I’ll get back stronger! Haha, no, but I have some big plans for where this is going ;)

“Phil, I don’t know if /I’m/ ready” Dan says in a slight panicky voice.

“He’ll be just fine, love. It’s normal for babies to move out of their parents’ bedroom when they’re 7-8 months…”

“So we should wait another month ‘til he’s 8 months, just to be sure?” Dan tries. 

“Hey, he’ll sleep longer, we’ll sleep longer… It’s better for all of us”

“What if something happens?”

“Dan, love, we have a monitor, and he’s just next door. He’ll be just fine. I’ve read up on this. We’ve done the right things. We’ve gotten him used to his own room during naps, and now he’ll be able to sleep there at night too” Phil says and puts a hand on Dan’s hip. They are standing hunched over Blue, asleep in his crib in his own bedroom. Dan is the hysterical ‘mom’. He’s not ready to let go of their baby. 

Dan leans his head on Phil’s shoulder and admires his son. They stand like that for a minute before quietly sneaking out of the room together. 

\--------------------

When Phil blinks his eyes open, he immediately pushes a button on his phone to check the time. Its 3:46 am. Phil is barely conscious when he turns around to wrap an arm around his fiancé. When there is no man there for him to wrap anything around, his eyes open, and his brain starts leaving the grogginess of sleep. He blinks, looking around the room, only lit up by a slight strip of moonlight making its way through the curtains. Dan is nowhere to be seen. 

He lays back down to fall asleep, thinking he probably just went to the bathroom, when he hears a quiet mumbling. His eyes open again and he sits up. The mumbling is coming from Blue’s room. Phil sneaks out of bed and over to Blue’s bedroom door. There’s a lit lamp in the corner. Dan is sat in the rocking chair next to the crib with Blue on his lap and a book in his hands. 

“ And then his shoulders… and then –  
‘Oh help!’ said Pooh, ‘I’d better go back’  
’Oh bother!’ said Pooh, ‘I shall have to go on’ ” Dan reads. Phil sneaks back to their room and gets his phone.

“ ‘I can’t do either!’ said Pooh, ‘Oh help and bother!’ “ Phil is back in the doorway, now recording this.

“Christopher Robin nodded.  
‘Then there’s only one thing to be done’ he said. ‘We shall have to wait for you to get thin again’  
‘How long does getting thin take?’ asked Pooh anxiously.” Phil sneaks into the room while still filming. Dan stops reading and looks up at Phil. He smiles.

“No, don’t stop, go on” Phil encourages.

“ ‘About a week I should think’ “ Dan continues.

“ ‘But I can’t stay here for a week!’  
‘You can stay here all right, silly old bear. It’s getting out which is difficult’ “

Phil stops the recording and sits down on the floor by Dan’s legs. He leans his head on Dan’s knee and falls asleep.


	27. I wanted to be a better brother, better son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A birthday celebration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Polarize" by tøp
> 
> Hope you're excited. This chapter is even longer than usual
> 
> Also, *SPOILER ALERT* but TRIGGER WARNING for mentioning and describing of anxiety
> 
> Here’s an outtake from chapter 22 if you don’t remember who Sam is or what relationship he and Dan has:
> 
> “And he’s basically straight up against me and the way I live my life, including the fact that I have a male fiancé and a biological child?” Dan’s dad had turned out to be quite the judgmental person, which really got to shine through when he was to raise Sam all by himself. Dan never realized while they lived together, but seeing Sam after a few years in a household with only their dad, his opinions was showing thought his son. Sam is negative to anything related to LGBTQ+ and he has anything but said straight out that he doesn’t agree with Dan’s existence and lifestyle. At least that’s the way Dan sees it.

When: March 31, 2017

They are on the train. Fields seem to be going on forever outside the window. Dan is just looking. His head is spinning. He’s tired and has a headache. The past week has been a nightmare getting out of bed. He knows he’s slept enough, it’s just that his body doesn’t seem to agree. He blames it on the nerves. He’s been worried about tonight ever since the plans were made, only increasing as the date approached. This morning he had to run to the bathroom, still half asleep, as he was sure he was going to throw up. Meeting Sam never made him feel /this/ bad, but he hasn’t seen him in over a year, and it’s going to be the first time Blue meets his uncle. 

It’s their mom’s birthday. She had asked both her sons to come over as she was turning 50. It was only going to be them. Dan, Phil and Blue, and Sam.

Dan’s hands are sweating, but Phil is still holding one. The armrest in between them is up and Phil has his feet in the seat, leaning on his fiancé. Phil’s left hand is intertwined with Dan’s right, and Phil’s thumb is rubbing soothing circles into the back of it. He knows Dan is nervous. He woke up this morning when Dan jumped out of bed and rushed to the bathroom. He followed in a slight panic, ending up on the floor with him. 

“Love, are you okay?” he had whispered in Dan’s ear, kissing it shortly after. 

“Yeah, I’m fine” Dan had huffed in an annoyed tone. 

Now they haven’t been talking. Not because anything is wrong, because it isn’t, but just because Dan is nervous and Phil is giving him the space he knows he needs. 

Phil can’t take it anymore thought. He is overprotective by nature.

“Dan” he pauses, waits for his boyfriend to look at him. When he does, he continues. “How are you? Are you sure you are okay?”

“Yeah” Dan breathes out. “Just nervous” 

Dan does his absolute best at not shutting Phil out, like his instincts are telling him. Dan is a closed person and one will have to peel away endless layers to get to his core. Phil has been working on this ever since they met. And Phil is at the core, but there’s still a door, and Dan does his best at trying to keep it open. He doesn’t like to share. Dan doesn’t want to talk about the bad things. His anxiety is screaming at him to not be a burden. Not talk about his problems. No one wants to hear about his problems and struggles, they have enough with their own. 

Complying with anxiety is the easiest. The easiest way to deal with anxiety is to do as it tells you, avoid the things that triggers it. Anxiety is like an abusive parent. And as a scared little child, you do as they tell you. And Dan’s abusive anxiety has always told him not to share. On the one hand, no one wants to know about his problems. Dan is not worth it. He should not burden other people with his stupid little problems. On the other hand, the anxiety is worried about Dan. Anxiety has been with him through thick and thin. Anxiety know everything Dan knows, has every experience Dan has. Anxiety has learned that when you open up to people, they hurt you. When you let people peel away too many layers, they’ll just end up using them against you, throwing it in your face. So Dan has done his best at not letting anyone through too many layers. 

Phil is the only person who has made it this far. Phil is the only person in the world who has gotten to the core. But he has fought. Phil has shed blood, sweat and an endless stream of tears to get to where they are today. Phil didn’t give up, that’s the difference between him and everyone else who tried. Phil never gave up. Whenever Dan would shut him out, Phil would sit outside the door of Dan’s metaphorical bedroom, waiting for him to be ready to talk. Phil was patient, happy with what little he could get right now, but working for more in the long run. Phil had always been in it for the long run. Phil had fallen head over heels in love with Dan and he was not planning on going anywhere. He was never planning on going anywhere. 

“Dan” Phil says, using his ‘I know you’re not really okay, please tell me’ voice. 

Dan thinks about his answer for some extra seconds before answering. “I actually think I’m just nervous. I hope Sam can put our different opinions aside and just enjoy this. For mom”

“So do I” Phil says and leans in to kiss Dan’s jawline. He leans his head on his shoulder and looks over at the stroller in front of them. Blue is stirring, slowly waking up, but Phil has no plan to rush him. 

\--------------------

The train will be there in just a few minutes and the boys start getting their things. Blue is put back in his stroller and Phil picks up the bag. They are walking towards the door when Blue starts whimpering. 

“It’s okay, duckling” Dan says and rocks the stroller a little. Blue’s lip starts shaking and his eyes grow large and red. Small sobs start escaping.

“Hey, don’t cry, bud” Phil says and pats Blues belly as they wait for the train to stop and the doors to open. 

It doesn’t help. Rather the opposite really. The sobs turn into little cries. 

“Oh, look who doesn’t want to sit in the stroller” Phil laughs. 

“/Someone/ wants to see the world” Dan chimes in. He leans forward and picks up his son. He holds him against his torso and he looks over at his daddy. Phil smiles back at him before making a face. Blue laughs. A beautiful little laugh that makes Phil get out of bed in the morning. Not literally, but it certainly helps.

The train stops and the lady over the speaker says they’ll leave the train on the right side. Phil puts their bag in the stroller and helps Dan carry it off when the doors open.  
Not 20 minutes later, they enter the doors of the Howell residence. Howell was Dan’s mother’s maiden name, which she had changed back to when she got divorced. Dan had quickly followed when he turned 18. No way his legal name was going to remind him of his father. 

They are greeted by an overexcited Ms. Howell. Her face is lit up and she embraces her boys one by one, asking them how they’re doing and how the train ride went.  
Around the corner lurks a young man. His posture is slouched. He has his head down and eyes on the ground. The young man is tall, almost as tall as Dan and Phil. He looks like Dan, just his features are lighter. His hair is light, blond almost. His eyes aren’t visible to the other right now, but Dan knows they’re green. His whole body screams that he’s uncomfortable. Dan looks from the boy to Phil, who nods, almost invisible, and takes Blue from his arms. Phil keeps the conversation with Ms. Howell as they start walking toward the living room, passing the boy.

“Sam? Can I have a word with you, please?” Dan asks and tries to be as gentle and kind in his voice as he can. He even throws in a smile. He hasn’t seen his brother in over a year after all. After finding out he was pregnant with Blue, he had avoided Sam at all cost. Even today is something Dan initially refused to do. He isn’t doing this for himself, or Sam. He is doing it for him mom.

“Uhm, yeah” Sam looks up from the floor. His eyes meet Dan’s for a split second before landing on a spot on the wall next to him. 

Sam walks into the hallway where Dan is still standing. Dan closes the door that leads into the rest of the house.

Now Dan has to decide. Before he opens his mouth, he has to decide whether he is going to clench his teeth and get in Sam’s face. Whether he should threaten his brother into behaving today. He’s about to choose this strategy when Phil enters his mind. Phil wouldn’t want him to handle it like this. Neither of them wants the day to start off in a bad mood. They wouldn’t want their mom to sense the lacking relationship that is between her sons. And Sam is 22 years old. He should know how to behave by now. The last time Dan knew him, like brothers should, they were 9 and 12. He should have learned how to behave by now. 

Dan has to pull himself together. Breathe. Cleanse the mind. 

“Sam, I…” Dan is gentle, but he doesn’t know where he’s going. He throws himself into it. “Sam, I know we disagree about a lot of things and I know you might not totally agree with the way I live my life, but…”

Sam is looking him in the eyes now. 

“But can you please just be oblivious for a day? If anything bothers you, pretend it doesn’t. Treat Phil like my best friend, you can just forget he’s my fiancé for a day. Treat Blue like my son. You can ignore the fact that I gave birth to him. If it makes it easier, pretend I had him with a girl. Any other day, these things would have made me furious, but I’m doing this for mom. I’m here because of mom. Please don’t ruin this for her. All she wants is her sons to get along. To me, it doesn’t matter if it’s just façade. Just pretend, for mom, that we get along” Dan rambles. He hadn’t planned what to say, but it didn’t turn out all that bad. His hands are sweating, though. They’re cold sweating and clammy. 

“Dan…” Sam looks confused at his older brother. “I’m… This is not that big of a problem for me. It’s not like you’re making me nauseous. I may not agree that much, and I wouldn’t want that kind of life for myself”  
Sam doesn’t want to say something wrong. He doesn’t want to explain. He doesn’t want to keep going, so he says what he can to please his brother. 

“I promise to do my best. For mom”

“Thank you” Dan whispers under his breath. He wants to hug his brother. Dan is a hugger. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to make it weird or make Sam uncomfortable. ‘He doesn’t want Sam to call him gay’ he laughs to himself, hoping, and also maybe knowing deep down, that Sam wouldn’t. 

\--------------------

The train ride home is fairly quiet. Darkness passes outside the window, the sound of the train moving is the only thing piercing the silence. Phil is sleeping. He has his glasses on and his hair is messy. He’s leaning his head against the seat, mouth slightly open. 

Blue is in his stroller, sleeping as well. It’s been a long day, and to Dan, also an emotionally draining one. He was so nervous waking up this morning. Scared Sam would do something stupid, scared he would ruin this day for their mom. But he didn’t. Sam behaved better than Dan had hoped for. He talked and had adult conversations with them, even sharing his interest in attending their wedding. It’s good to know, because even though the invitations are already sent out, and Sam has gotten one, he hasn’t officially answered. He would be there, he promised. 

Sam even played with Blue. Dan had never thought. He was sure Blue’s existence disgusted Sam. Blue was conceived by two men and carried and birthed by one. Everything Dan had thought Sam viewed as wrong. As Dan drifts off on Phil’s shoulder, he ponders if Sam was just doing this for their mom or if he actually meant it. Deep down, he hopes it’s the latter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Logan feared sibling drama, so that's what you got *smirk emoji*


	28. Life turns plans up on their head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A wedding meeting turns into a little more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "House of Gold" by tøp
> 
> Had to fix some stuff so the timeline would add up...
> 
> Bombs are dropped!

When: April 13, 2017

It’s early April and the wedding is just over three weeks away. They should have been finished planning by now, but Dan and Phil are sitting in the office of their wedding planner, discussing the final details. He called them in for a final meeting before the big day to make sure everything is going to go according to plan.

“The venue is okay. Tables and chairs are included?”

“Yes” Phil answers.

“And you’ve taken care of seating arrangements? You know whose horny aunt shouldn’t be sitting next to whose single uncle?”

“All taken care of” Phil laughs. From most people this would be an inappropriate and awkward comment, but their planner is such an open and friendly guy. This is the kind of relationship they have with him. And Dan had found it a little awkward in the beginning, but over time it has proved to ease his nerves. Around him, things doesn’t need to be so serious. Small mistakes doesn’t have to be a disaster. In Dan’s eyes, he’s the perfect planner. He stays calm, always come up with a good alternative solution, and maybe also throw in a joke or two in the mix. 

“I’m just gonna hit you with the details and shout if there’s anything that sounds wrong, even if it might not be, okay?”

“Sure” Phil smiles. 

“You’ll be taking pictures after the ceremony, so you’ll arrive at your venue around 2. Food is being made there and the starters should be ready to serve at 3. As starters you’re having….”

And as soon as he starts talking about the details of their food, Dan drifts off. He isn’t feeling well. Right now, he’s probably high on pain killers, as he’s been for a couple of weeks now. His head has been pounding all day, but has been especially bad the last couple of days. Doesn’t help that he seems to never get enough sleep as this stupid stomach bug has him running to the bathroom at 7 in the morning to empty it of his dinner from the night before. 

“You’ll be cutting the cake at 4:30, giving people plenty of time to eat, and maybe also have some fun in the bathrooms. It’s gonna be a three-story chocolate and vanilla cake” Dan and Phil couldn’t agree, so they went with both. “Covered in a thin layer of white marzipan. The details will be mostly flowers, cut out of baby blue marzipan, matching your baby blue napkins in honor of your son”

And at that, Dan’s eyes shoot open. He feels his breakfast coming back to haunt him and doesn’t know how much longer he can hold it down. He rushes a hand to his mouth as he shoots up from the chair and runs out of the office. He knows where the bathroom is, he was there less than an hour ago as he was waiting for their meeting to start. Dan knows there’s swing doors, so he runs through it and into a stall. He doesn’t even lock the door before he lets himself go.

It’s only seconds later when Phil comes running through the door and tries to open the stall door, which is inconveniently blocked by Dan’s body, sat on the floor, hunched over the toilet.

“Dan, love, are you okay?” violent sounds of vomiting are all the answers he gets. Not long after the planner joins them.

“Is he okay? He looked like he’d seen a ghost” the planner says as he walks over to Phil. 

“Can you please leave” Dan says, making effort not to sound rude.

“Okay, we’ll go now, hope…” Phil tries, but he’s cut off.

“Not you, you twat” Dan says, trying not to sound too annoyed. 

“Oh” Phil says and looks to their planner. “Okay”

“He’s gone now” Phil says as the planner is out the door. He stands by the stall door and softly knocks. “Sweetheart? What’s wrong? Is everything okay?”

“Phil” Dan doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t want to say the p-word. He makes an attempt, hoping Phil takes the hint. “It’s not a stomach bug. It’s not a cold”

“Dan, love, what are you talking about? Can I please come in?” and Dan can hear the panic in Phil’s voice. 

He flushes the toilet and gets to his feet. He pulls his shirt down and takes a deep breath. Phil, who’s almost leaning towards the stall door, stumbles a little as Dan opens it. Dan carefully looks into Phil’s eyes before he walks over to the sink. He splashes his face, cups his hands and drinks some of it, before spitting it back out. He repeats it a couple of times before drying off his hands and then almost frantically searches his pockets for some gum or mints, anything really.

“Have you got any gum?” he looks askingly at Phil. Phil returns the look with anger, but mostly confusion.

“Would you please tell me what’s going on?” Phil nearly screams. Now it’s /his/ anxiety taking over. He needs to know what’s going on. He needs to have control. He hates not having control. 

“Maybe like a mint? A tic tac or something?” Dan doesn’t know how to cope so he keeps rambling. “It’s just that I just threw up and my mouth tastes gross and I would really like….”

“Will you just shut up about that stupid mint?” Phil says in a high pitch voice, vailing his arms around. Dan looks at him like he’s crazy. “You can’t just run out of a meeting like that and throw up and know what’s going on and not tell me” Phil is talking way too fast and high pitched, Dan can barely understand. 

“Hey, Phil, honey, breathe. It’s okay. Calm down” Dan walks over to him and pulls him in for a hug. He’s strangely calm, like this whole thing isn’t affecting him at all. Phil keeps his eyes open during the hug. “One thing at a time. Do you have gum? Or some mints?”

“Uhm…” Phil says after Dan has let him go, searching his pockets. In a jacket pocket he finds a nearly empty pack of gum which he hands to Dan. 

“Wow thank you. My mouth tasted really gross, didn’t really wanna… you know” Dan rambles and puts a gum in his mouth. Phil just stares at him, eyes wide, mouth slightly open.

Dan hands the gum packet back to Phil. He takes it and puts it back in a pocket.

“Dan, what the hell is going on?”

“What are you on about? Let’s get back to the meeting. Wouldn’t want any of the wedding details to be wrong, would we?” Dan laughs, like he’s in a movie. He pats Phil’s shoulder as he passes him, headed for the door. 

Phil turns around and grabs Dan’s wrist just as he is about to leave the bathroom. 

“Dan!” Phil says in a strict voice and pulls him a little. He tries to be gentle but it frightens Dan. Stuff like this frightens Dan. Angry people, sudden motions. He flinches, and the arm that isn’t held by Phil instinctively goes to protect his stomach. Phil stares at it and it’s like a light switch is turned on in his head.

“Dan?” his voice is as soft as it gets. He lets go of Dan’s wrist and walks over to his fiancé that is frozen in the flinching position. With his right hand he takes Dan’s shoulder and turns him so they’re facing each other. He gently places the fingers of his left hand under Dan’s chin and lifts it to force eye contact. “Dan, are you pregnant?”

And Phil says the word.

Dan’s body starts relaxing from the frozen position, standing up straighter, removing his arm from in front of his stomach. 

“I might be” Dan mumbles. His eyes shift from the ground to Phil’s. “Can we please just go back to the meeting? I really don’t want to think about this right now?” he says in a normal voice.

“Hey, everything else can wait. Now it’s just you and me. The two of us and nothing or no one else” Phil says in a serious but soft tone. “Look at me. Do you think that is what this is?”

“I mean it might be. It makes sense. I’ve been feeling like shit for the past couple of weeks. The last couple of days I’ve been throwing up in the mornings” Dan trails off. 

“But you’re on birth control?” Phil asks, his face glows of confusion. It doesn’t help when Dan lets out a small laugh.

“Do you even know how fucking sloppy I am? Forget to take one here, is super late one day there… I can’t remember this stuff”

“And you’re just telling me this now? Never occurred to you to inform me that we might need to, I don’t know, use a condom?” Phil says a little too loud. 

“Will you shut up for a second?” Dan says embarrassed. It’s swing doors, they’re not exactly sound proof. “I’m sure /everyone/ can hear you”

“We don’t have time for this right now” Phil mumbles under his breath. He runs a hand over his forehead, turning his fringe into a quiff. 

“Excuse me? It’s a /pregnancy/, I’m not giving birth right on this floor this very moment” Dan feels triggered by Phil’s comment. “We’re not having this baby in another probably 7 to 8 months. If there even /is/ a baby” Dan adds. 

“It’s the wedding. We’re moving in a /week/.” Phil mumbles, more to himself. He has started pacing. His eyes wide, his breathing more rapid than usual. 

“Phil!” Dan needs to take control of the situation. He grabs Phil’s bicep to stop him in his tracks. “Look at me. Listen to me. The plan is: we finish this meeting, we stop by the store and get a test, and then we find out when we get home. No worrying right now. Sounds like a plan?” He’s calm, not angry. He can sense Phil freaking out. 

“Yeah” Phil says as he looks up at Dan, eyes wide. 

“Let’s at least /pretend/ we are in love” he laughs as he leaves a quick peck on Phil’s lips. He grabs his hand and lead them to the door. 

“Yeah” Phil says again as he stares blankly in front of him. Now Dan is the rational, and Phil is the one freaking out. Usually it’s the other way around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're both just very shocked and taken aback and don't really know how to react or what to do.... Hope I managed to capture that in a not too unrealistic way. Felt like the last part got a little weird, but people are weird...


	29. Thunderstorms, clouds, snow, and a slight drizzle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A test is taken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title might be confusing but I liked it, okay? Anyways, it's from "Migraine" by tøp
> 
> Hope this chapter gives the answers you wanted
> 
> I'm sorry it's been two weeks, I was in London for a week (didn't see DnP sadly..)
> 
> Also, this fic is ONE YEAR TODAY!!! I can't believe it's already been a year since I posted the first chapter. So happy birthday to this fic and thank you to everyone who has every read anything of it. A special thanks has to go to the one and only Logan, a true supporter of this fic since like day 1. I can promise you this fic would not have continued without them. They really kept me going and reading their comments is truly what inspired me to keep writing, and the guilt I felt towards all of you, but especially Logan, was what brought me back after my 5 months long break (I'm still sorry about that, it wont happen again). I also want to thank Lindsey, who reached out to me through instagram after reading my fic for months. Your excitement and endless compliments never fails brightens my days

When: April 13, 2017

Their wedding planner acted very weird and hurriedly finished the meeting once Dan and Phil came back from the bathroom. Now, they’re on their way home. They stopped by their local grocery store and got a pregnancy test, and some groceries, to not make it too awkward. It still was. Most of the trip home has been in silence, but Dan finally brakes it. 

“Are you mad?” He’s been dying to ask this and suddenly it just blurts out of him. 

“What? Why?” Phil looks at him confused. They’re carrying a bag each, walking the roughly 10 minutes back to their apartment. 

“You just seemed really upset when I told you how sloppy I am with my birth control”

“Dan, I’m not mad, I just think I’d like to have known, you know” Phil ponders. “Maybe in a subconscious way you were more prepared for this than me ‘cause I didn’t even think it could happen”

“Hmm” is all Dan responds. 

“I just think it might be a little inconvenient right now. Blue is not even a year old. They’ll be very close together in age” he’s treading lightly as to not say the wrong thing. “And I know that the baby won’t be here for another about 8 months, but all the stress and changes in our lives right now still won’t be good for a baby. I know you say you’re not sure that’s actually what this is, but if it is, I’ll hate exposing them to the stress of moving house and a wedding. I’m not mad, don’t take this the wrong way, but I would just have liked it to maybe be in a some months, maybe even a couple of years, just not right now” Phil was taken completely by surprise in the bathroom. Now he’s had the time to think about the situation – and his answer. 

“So you don’t hate the idea of another baby, you just hate the idea of another baby /right now/?” Dan can still feel the hurt and the most emotional part of him wants to cry. He has to be pregnant, this wouldn’t normally make him cry, would it?

“Dan, love” Phil stops and looks at his soon-to-be husband. They’re only steps away from their front door. “I don’t hate anything. And I certainly don’t hate the idea of another child. Another little baby with you, that’s all I want. But right now is definitely not the most convenient of times, and please believe me, it’s not the baby. It’s the fact that there’ll be so much stress put on us – on you and your body – for the next weeks, and I really would have liked to avoid doing that while you’re pregnant. But Dan, sweetheart, if a baby is what this is, we make it work”

And now Dan has tears pooling in his eyes. What did he do to deserve this? Phil’s patience and endless love and support is more than Dan could have ever hoped for.

“Thank you” he whispers and smiles a little. 

“We’ll make it work” Phil mumbles, mostly to himself. He laces his fingers with Dan’s, and squeeze, before they walk the last few meters left to their front door. 

While Phil takes the bags – he insists – and unlocks their door, Dan knocks on their neighbor’s. The lovely retired lady opens the door and meets him with a smile. 

“Hello, Daniel. How was your meeting?” she says and holds the door open for him. 

“It went good. All the details seems to be all right, nothing to worry about” he says as he enters her apartment. 

“I’m glad to hear” she says. “He’s in the living room playing” she says as she starts walking there, Dan following her. 

“Da-da” Blue says as he looks up at the two adults entering the room. 

“Hi, duckling” Dan smiles and leans down and grabs Blue. Dan is tall, so when he stands up again, Blue in his arms, the little boy laughs with joy as he feels the butterflies in his stomach. He kisses his boy and rests him on his hip. “Thank you so much, Mrs. Wilkinson”

“Always a pleasure, dear” she smiles, like the sweet old lady she is. 

Dan leaves her apartment with a smile and enters their own, his nine-months old in his arms. He kicks off his shoes and discards of his jacket. He finds Phil in the kitchen, unpacking their bags. The little purple box is resting on the counter. He just stares at it. He’s nervous, a little scared even. 

“Should we just get it over with?” Dan suggest. Phil stops in his movement and looks at him, sees what he’s staring at. Dan looks from the box to his fiancé.

“Yeah” Phil puts the pasta in the cupboard and closes it. Phil picks up the box and walks towards Dan, who was standing in the doorway, but is now walking towards their bathroom. Phil closes the bathroom door behind them and they switch, Dan takes the test and Phil takes Blue. Phil sits down on the floor by the door, almost exactly where Dan was sat over a year ago when he took his last pregnancy test. Back then it was negative, but he was still pregnant with Blue. 

“What are you hoping for?” Dan asks. He has taken the test out of the box and is staring at it. His eyes shifts to his boys on the floor. Phil’s back is leaning against the wall, his legs stretched out with a carefree Blue in-between them. 

“I don’t know”

“Be honest, Phil” he pauses, and when Phil doesn’t say anything, he continues. “I guess I’m kinda hoping negative. You’re right. It /is/ too soon.”

“No, but Dan, if it’s positive, that’s fine too. We’ve always wanted more than one. They’ll be a little closer together than we might have wanted, but we’ll work through this. It really doesn’t have to be a bad thing”

“I guess” Dan mumbles. “It’s just….”

“Dan, don’t go there. Let’s not think about it, and when we get the result, we’ll take it from there”

“Yeah” he says under his breath. Less than a minute later the stick is peed on and all left to do it wait. 

“Two minutes” Dan says as he sits down next to Phil. Their shoulders are touching and he leans his head on Phil’s. Blue is now sitting on Phil’s left thigh, the one furthest away from Dan. Phil has a protective hand around him, and he leans his head against his daddy’s stomach. He looks tired. “Do you wanna have your nap soon, duckling?”

“Ohhh, looks who’s tiiired” Phil coos at him. “That’s okay, pumpkin, just a little longer now”

“Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad with another one” Dan ponders to himself, but out loud. 

“Another minute, and we’ll know, love” 

“Yeah” Dan says, and the last minute is spent in silence. Dan checks his phone. He reckons another minute has passed. He looks at Phil before he gets up. Phil is close behind, still holding Blue close to his chest. The test is resting on the sink with the result in view.

 

“Two lines?” Phil asks. “That’s a positive, right?”

“Yeah” Dan breathes out. “Yeah, that’s a positive”

“We’re having another baby!” Phil exclaims, trying to be as positive as he can. Dan thinks it comes off as a little /too/ much, but he appreciates it. 

“We are” he says and forces a smile. 

“Hey, let’s at least pretend we’re excited. We have to make this a good thing” Phil tries.

“We’re having another baby” Dan smiles and there’s butterflies in his stomach and tears forming in his eyes. Something squeezes his heart. It’s love. It’s the endless feeling of love for his now two babies. Phil told him to fake it, but as the realization washes over him, he doesn’t have to. 

And Dan takes a step closer to Phil and puts his left palm against Phil’s face. He looks into his eyes and smiles, before he closes the distance between their lips. It’s deeper than a peck but it doesn’t last for too long. Soon, they let go and Dan wraps an arm around Phil’s torso, burying his face in Phil’s neck. Phil wraps his free hand around Dan, still holding Blue close with the other one. 

A kiss is planted amongst brown curls and three boys are left smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DM me if you want to talk, just in general or about the fic! If there's many of you, maybe I'll make a group chat. I like discussing the fic and as I only talk to like two people who read it, I would like to hear from more of you!  
> IG: @dans.face  
> Twitter: @CharlyTuengen


	30. In the morning air

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breakfastbliss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "The Pantaloon" by tøp
> 
> It's been a month? I'm so sorry! I haven't been feeling all that great lately, but I'm better now and I'm hoping to at least get a couple of chapters out before I go on vacation for 5 weeks in March
> 
> I would also just like to add that I do quite a bit of research for this fic when it comes to kids and how to raise them, how they grow and how to care for them, so as far as I know, this is pretty accurate. For example in how much babies nap, what they can eat, how their teeth and other things like hair grows etc.

When: April 26, 2017

As most babies, Blue was born with dark blue eyes. They were like the ocean. And as most babies, they had started changing. Around Christmas his irises had started going darker, and even though it would take them a while to tell, they had also started turning slightly browner. By late April, Blue is 10 months old and his eyes are brown. Not the deep, dark chocolate color his dad has, but he’s getting there. There’s no doubt now, Blue will be the spitting image of Dan. At least when it comes to his features. He doesn’t have much hair yet, but what little he has is chocolate brown, and Phil can swear it’s starting to fall into little curls. 

“There we go” Phil says as be hooks on the last strap of Blue’s overalls. He smiles at his son and picks him up from the changing table in his room where he was sitting. This will be the last time dressing Blue in this room. Today is the day they officially move out. 

There’s boxes everywhere. Phil has to tread carefully as to not trip over stuff that’s lining their hallway. The moving truck is coming today to get the majority of their stuff. Tonight, they’re going to sleep in another house. Their house.

“Oh, I love him in those” Dan smiles, looking up from his cereal bowl. 

“The overalls? Yeah, me too” Phil says and puts Blue in his highchair by the table. Dan takes the cereal box, which is still right next to him, and pours some on the table of Blue’s chair. Dan doesn’t know if he recognizes the cereal, or if he’s just curious, but he shoves some in his mouth regardless. He chews away at them with his total of six teeth. 

Phil sits down opposite Dan at their kitchen table, offering Blue the newly made bottle of formula. 

“Last morning, ey?” Phil says and looks at his fiancé.

“I can’t believe it” he breathes out and looks around the room. “So much happened in this apartment. So many milestones. So many memories”

“We moved to London together” Phil says before letting out a small laugh. “We were just kids”

“Five years ago” Dan thinks out loud. “We /were/ just kids. And look at us now”

“Blue. The wedding. Baby number 2….” Phil looks Dan straight in the eyes. “Oh my god, Dan. We’re adults”

Dan gives him the same serious, slightly panicked, look as he stops chewing his cereal. “Oh my god, we are” he says with his mouth full of food. 

“We, who were never gonna grow up”

“Did we really though? Yes, we do some adult stuff like kids and marriage, but I feel like we’re still in a way the dorky teenagers who moved in here five years ago?”

“Teenagers?” Phil laughs. “I was 25”

“Teenagers at heart” Dan tries to explain.

“Right” he lets the laugh fade out. 

“I mean, have you even counted the amount of boxes filled with /just/ nerdy stuff? We have so many board games and video games and merch and dorky knick-knack” Dan mumbles. “We’re always gonna be nerdy teenagers at heart”

“Our kids have no chance in the real world, do they?” Phil laughs as Blue spits out the bottle. He’s done. 

“I’m afraid so” Dan laughs with him. 

Phil just smiles at Dan, a warm loving smile, before directing his attention to their son. 

“Would you like something else, pumpkin? Some banana maybe?” Phil asks and gets up, before heading towards the counter. “You know, as he’s 10 months, we can start feeding him fruit and veggies in small bites and cubes instead of having to mash them”

“Really? Not sooner? I mean, he’s been eating cereal for months now”

“Yeah, I don’t know why. I just read it somewhere” Phil says as he’s cleaning out of the bottle and putting it in the dish washer. “Cubes of fruit would often be bigger than cereal, I guess. The reason it’s O-shaped cereal only is so that if it gets stuck in his throat, he can still breath, something he wouldn’t be able to do with fruit cubes”

“Makes sense”

“Yeah, I’m not really sure. I’d just assume” Phil goes over and opens the fridge. “You want bananas, Blue? Or maybe some mango?”

“/I’d/ like some mango” Dan shoots in. 

“Okay, mango it is” he smiles and takes it out of the fridge. He cuts it into small squares and brings the cutting board to the table. He gives a fork to Dan and keeps one himself, in case he has to mash the bits for Blue after all. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m not too bad. I threw up this morning. I don’t think I woke you up”

“You did” Phil mumbles.

“Oh” Dan says a little surprised and looks to the floor, almost in shame. “I’m sorry”

“Hey” Phil says and looks from his son to Dan. “No worries. It’s not your fault. Anything else? Anything I can help you with?”

“Today I’m luckily not too bad. I don’t have a headache today” he trails off.

“Really? That’s great” Phil says. Dan’s head has been killing him for over a week now.

Phil has cut off a small bit of mango and is trying to feed it to Blue. He wont let the spoon into his mouth, so Phil ends up leaving some small bits on Blue’s table. Instead, he takes the fork and eats some bits himself, joining his soon-to-be-husband.

“This week, baby is gonna be about the size of a pomegranate seed” Phil mumbles, mouth full of mango. 

“Pomegranate seed? That’s so tiny!” Dan exclaims.

“I know. Feels like its been forever and that they should be bigger by now. You’re only about six weeks though”

“It’s weird to think that at this point, we didn’t even know about Blue yet” Dan says and Blue looks at him as he hears his name being mentioned. 

“We’ve already known about this one for almost two weeks already, but with Blue we didn’t know for another three weeks”

“That’s insane. It took us nine weeks to find out”

“Yeah” Phil mumbles and puts some more mango in his mouth.

Phil tries to be as excited as their last pregnancy. He tries his best to keep them updated on which size fruit the baby is this week, informing Dan of what has changed. He works hard on forcing himself to be happy. And it works. It takes a couple of weeks, and he might not be /as/ excited as he was with Blue, but according to his mom, they’ll never be. Which makes him a little sad, as he is the second child himself. 

Because Phil /is/ happy, don’t get him wrong. He wasn’t lying when he told Dan another baby is all he wants, but Phil can be somewhat of a control freak, a perfectionist. He likes order, and planning, and deciding what happens when. Blue was just as much of an accident and a surprise as this baby is, but right now, they have so much more on the table. 

Dan is almost six weeks along and they’re moving houses. Phil hates to put that kind of stress on his pregnant fiancé. They’re getting married in a week and a half. Even Phil feels his body getting stressed out by even the thought of that. Let alone Dan, with a headache that’s been killing him for over a week, a body in the early stages of adjusting to a pregnancy. 

Phil just has to let go. This is out of his control now. There’s nothing he can do about the pregnancy. It has already happened. What he /can/ do, on the other hand, is be happy and supportive. Phil has always believed that forcing yourself to be happy will eventually lead to it being true, and so far it’s working. Phil is happy. 

He makes his best efforts at keeping stress off of Dan’s shoulders, taking charge when it comes to the moving and any possible last minute adjustments for the wedding. And it helps him, helps with the worry. Dan hasn’t been feeling well for a couple of weeks, headaches and body aches and morning sickness, but Phil is able to just be there for him now. So Phil is quirky and fun and tells Dan random facts that still manages to amaze Dan, even though they’ve gone through this before. They’re happy.


	31. I will tell you I love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are about to get married

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Oh, Ms Believer" by tøp
> 
> It was about time, wasn't it? Ugh, I'm terrible at uploading, though I'm terrible at writing too... I try to publish the chapters as soon as they're done as I haven't really been in the mood to write for a while

When: May 6, 2017

Dan and Phil are in separate rooms. There might be no bride, but they’re not going to see each other before the ceremony anyways. Phil is already wearing his tux and his childhood friend, Sarah, is doing his makeup. It’s not supposed to be visible, it’s just a little touch up so he’ll look his best. It’s his wedding day after all. 

He and Sarah went to school together for 9 years, were best friends for many of them, and after she graduated cosmetic school 6 years ago, there was no doubt to Phil she would be the one doing this. 

To Dan, a degree was the last thing on his mind. When he was to ask someone to help him get ready, he looked for someone who could support him mentally. Marriage scares Dan. Commitment always has. 

But Dan is fine. Because this is /his/ marriage and it’s with /Phil/. He has thought about this, but Dan thinks he might even have known all those years ago in Phil’s bedroom, that it would be them forever. To Dan, there was never anyone but Phil. And even though marriage scares him, he was always meant to end up here. By an altar, with Phil. 

“Is my tie straight?”

“It’s as straight as you, dear” Louise laughs and walks over to him. She looks him in the eye and smiles at him, before reaching up and adjusting his tie. 

Only Louise knows how both of them look, to make sure they match. Only Louise knows that Dan’s black tie, with little white dots, matches Phil’s white bowtie, with little black dots. Their polar opposites. Their yin and yang. 

Dan wanted a black tuxedo, no surprise to anyone, but Louise pushed him towards a dark gray instead. Phil wanted something blue, but also him she managed to convince with a gray one, although lighter than Dan. The responsibility of the two grooms looking as perfect together as apart, was put in Louise’s hands, and all the parties had faith in her. 

“Are you ready, love?” she asks him. 

“Yeah” he says but he doesn’t actually know. It’s not like he’s lying, but it’s not like he’s thought about his answer either. He just answers what’s expected of him. 

“Marriage is a beautiful thing” she says. “Your wedding day is such an amazing thing, and you’ll remember it for the rest of your life, no matter how it turns out”

“Yeah” he says again. 

“You’re getting married, Dan!” he says, and she can no longer contain her excitement. She’s right. He’s getting married in less than half an hour. 

The boys are in separate rooms in the church, both waiting nervously for the ceremony to start. Dan starts wiping his sweaty palms on his pants when Louise interrupts him.

“Stop that!” she exclaims. “We can’t have tux-pants full of hand sweat! Take this towel instead” 

“Sorry” he mumbles and takes the towel from her. He wipes his hands on it and holds on to it as he zones out again. 

From an outside point of view he looks like a groom nervous for his wedding, but what no one is able to tell, not even Louise, is that he’s drowning. She left him alone with his thoughts for too long and now they’re suffocating him. His chest is tightening and the feeling of something heavy against him is increasing. It’s getting harder to breathe. His lungs feel constricted. He can’t inhale properly. 

He’s getting colder, but his sweating at the same time. His hands are clammy and shaky. They’re cold, but wet. His armpits are hot and he’s sure it’ll show soon. Fucking perfect. He’ll get married with giants sweat stains. If he gets married at all. He doesn’t even know if he can do this anymore. His anxiety has taken over and his entire life, his childhood, the memories of his parents’ failed marriage, is flashing before his eyes. 

Marriage doesn’t last. The happiness and butterflies doesn’t last. Eventually they’ll grow tired of each other and they’ll start disliking each other. Dan knows this happens. He’s heard that the little things that you used to love will eventually be things you’ll hate. He’s seen it even. His parents were probably happy once, just like Phil and he is, but look where they ended up. His parents would fight late at night, and Dan would lay awake and listen to it all. It went on for months before his mom finally kicked his dad out. Now, they probably haven’t spoken for 14 years. Dan and Phil will end up there too, Dan is sure of it. Nothing ever lasts. 

Even his grandparents, who’s stayed together through all these years, have unhealthy marriages. One set argues all the time and even at times yells at each other. Through his 26 years of living and knowing them, he can’t think of one time they ever said something nice to each other. 

How terrible examples and role models he has when it comes to marriage. In his experience, marriage doesn’t last, and if it does, it either turns dysfunctional or toxic. That’s all he knows and he can’t find it in him to convince himself that Phil and him will turn out any different. 

He’s become lightheaded and he can’t stand up anymore. Louise had left the room without him noticing, but she comes back just as he squats down and looks to the ground. Breathe.

“Dan?” she says but he can’t answer. “Dan”

She comes over to him and squats down next to him. His head is in his hands. His eyes are squeezed shut. His mouth is open. His breathing is heavy. His head is spinning. He can’t do this.

“Dan!” Louise says, but her voice is miles away, and so is Dan’s answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "But the muffs on your ears will cater your fears"
> 
> See what I did there? The title has a double meaning *wink* (the title was the previous line in the song, "I will tell you, I love you")
> 
> Was that too mean? *laughs*
> 
> The next chapter is gonna be the most personal and probably the hardest chapter to write ever, so stay tuned!


	32. Know that I will never marry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every event of Dan's life has lead up to this very moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Cancer", originally by MCR, but has also been covered by TØP
> 
> Side note, except the whole part of how he meets Phil and onwards from there, this is my life story, so enjoy it. (I have taken slight creative freedoms but it’s pretty much accurate)
> 
> Ready?

Dan is 2 years old and his parents are getting married. He doesn’t get to be there for most of the ceremony, but he arrives by the end. He doesn’t understand much. He laughs and is goofy. He pulls his mom’s dress because why is she wearing this big white thing?

Dan is 3 years old and he just got a brother. He doesn’t really like him. His mom doesn’t have time for Dan all the time anymore. And his brother cries. His name is Samuel, Sam for short, and he cries a lot. He asks his parents to return him because Dan doesn’t like all the crying.

Dan is 6 years old and his mom is in Spain visiting Dan’s grandparents. That means Dan is home with just his brother and his dad. Daddy doesn’t really know how to take care of Dan and Sam all by himself. One night Dan is on the phone with his mom, he tells her she has to come home soon because daddy doesn’t know how to do laundry. 

Dan is 9 years old and they’re on vacation with his grandparents. Dan’s grandparents drink a lot, just like Dan’s dad. Grandma can’t come with them to eat dinner because she’s sick. At least that’s what they tell Dan, but they always say that when grandma has had a lot of alcohol. Towards the end of the night, both his dad and grandpa are acting funny. Dad is way too loud and he wails his arms around and he’s rude to the people working at the restaurant. Mom says it’s bedtime and she takes Dan and Sam back to the hotel. The next day, dad and his parents aren’t feeling well and they don’t have breakfast together. But Dan is used to this. It always happens on vacation. 

Dan is 10 years old and he wants to die. He doesn’t actually have any friends. Sure, he has people to hang out with at school, but he is sure they don’t actually like him. How could anyone like him? They’re always nice to him, but Dan is sure they’re just acting. His parents aren’t happy either. He’s probably just a bad child. No one likes him. No one wants him. No one would be sad if he just died, so why don’t he?

Dan is 11 years old and it’s late at night. He was just woken up by voices. They’re close and they’re familiar, but they’re not talking to him. He blinks his tired eyes open only to see his parents in the hallway right outside his bedroom. They’re arguing. Dad is way too loud and Dan can tell by his voice that he’s drunk. It’s a weekend and dad has been partying until late into the night, and Dan knows his mom has been waiting up for him to come home safely. Dan doesn’t know this yet, but he is to learn when he’s older that his dad has been found passed-out drunk by neighbors and other strangers in town, by the street or in a ditch somewhere several times. Tonight, at least dad is home safe. But Dan is awake, and his parents doesn’t know, and he can hear them yelling right outside his bedroom. He can see his dad wailing his arms and being out of control like he always is when he’s drunk. And he can see his mom, trying to calm him down, get him to shut up, anything to get this loud, drunk man away from her sleeping kids. Their sleeping kids. 

Dan is 12 years old and he’s on a camping trip with school. What differs him from the other kids though, is that he knows that when he gets back, his dad is no longer going to live with them. He knows that his mom is finally kicking him out. Over the past year, there’s been countless nights with drunk arguing in the hallways outside his bedroom. And Dan knows, because he’s woken up countless times. 

Dan is 18 years old and he’s met this boy. Well, not actually met him in person. He discovered this raven haired boy in his videos. He followed this blue eyed boy on twitter. He talked to this charming boy on skype. Later, he met this kind hearted boy on a Manchester train station for the first time. Time doesn’t exist and everything but this pale boy seems so meaningless. Everything else but this boy is just flying by. No one’s loved Dan before. No one’s cared for Dan before. No one’s showed interest in Dan before. At least not that Dan has noticed, but then again, Dan can be very ignorant of others affection. Dan actually feels loved. And Dan falls head over heels. The whole interaction can only be described as awkward because Dan has never been with a boy before. Never even kissed anyone before. And he’s hesitant and when the lanky boy tries to lean in, Dan says something, or laughs, or turns his head away, at least the first couple of times. Because he’s scared. No one’s ever liked him before, so he’s never kissed anyone before, so he doesn’t know what to do. Eventually he gives in because really he wants this too. And the kiss is awkward and messy but it doesn’t matter because this beautiful boy’s lips are attached to his. 

Dan is 24 years old and the raven haired boy is asking him to marry him. There’s not a doubt in his mind what his answer is going to be. There was never anyone but the blue eyed boy. He’s never loved anyone like he loves this charming boy. He will never find anyone like this kind hearted boy. There was never anyone, and will never be anyone, but this boy. So Dan answers, afraid and possibly pregnant, in the hallway outside their bedrooms, and he says yes.

Dan is 25 years old and it’s his wedding day. He is about to marry this lanky boy. He is about to /marry/ this beautiful boy. Ask 15-year-old Dan if he’s ever going to get married and he’ll laugh in your face because 15-year-old Dan doesn’t believe in marriage. Marriage is a social construct and there is no such thing as a forever happy marriage. It falls apart eventually. 15-year-old Dan knows and 15-year-old Dan has taken over 25-year-old Dan’s body. Has taken over his mind. 15-year-old Dan is sitting like a little devil on his shoulder, screaming that marriage ruins everything. Punches him in the chest so his lungs feel constricted and carves into his brain that marriage is toxic. Marriage destroys everything. Slaps him in the face, looks him in the eye and tells him that he can’t go through with it. 15-year-old Dan is 25-year-old Dan’s anxiety and he wants to give in because it’s easier. Like an abusive parent, listening to anxiety will shield him. Complying with anxiety is the easiest and right now, his anxiety is screaming at him that marriage will be the biggest mistake of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I gonna crush your souls a little more? I'm currently in Dubai on my way to Vietnam, where I’ll stay for 5 weeks, and as I really don't want to rush the next chapter, expect another probably 6-8 weeks until another addition to this story *purple smiling devil emoji*


	33. Either way you're by my side until my dying days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louise gets Phil to deal with Dan, and the aftermath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Taxi Cab" by TØP
> 
> Your girl is back! As life is still kinda busy I'm not gonna promise anything about when I'll upload next or any kind of schedule, but just know that I'm doing my best!

When: May 6, 2017

“Phil!” Louise bursts out the door of Dan’s dressing room and starts running down the hall towards Phil’s. 

“Phil!” she exclaims as she slams open his door. 

“What?” he says concerned and gets up from his chair, causing Sarah to almost be pushed back. “What is it, Louise?”

“You’ve got to come. It’s Dan”

“But” he tries to protest. It’s their wedding day and they’re not supposed to see each other before the ceremony.

“Phil, you have to. Or there will be no wedding at all” she pleads. 

Phil doesn’t know what is going on but what he does know is that he needs to get to Dan, now. He starts running out the room and down the hall. 

“I can’t help him” Louise tries to justify in a shaky voice, but Phil isn’t listening.

Phil gets to the door of Dan’s dressing room and finds his very-soon-to-be husband crouched on the floor with his face in his hands, rocking back and forth, shaking. 

“Dan. Love” Phil says and rushes over to his side. He sits on his knees next to him and puts a hand on his back. It takes Phil mere seconds to know it’s an anxiety attack. “Hey, look at me, love”

Dan inhales and lifts his head from his hands, looking up at Phil. He just stares.

“Hey” Phil says in his softest voice, the one he usually uses with Blue in the mornings, when he’s just woken up. “What’s up with you, big boy?”

Dan can’t help but smile a little bit, before remembering where he is and what is about to happen, pulling a grave serious face.

“Phil, I can’t” he says, pulling away. 

“Can’t do what, love?” Phil asks, letting his arm drop. 

“I can’t get married. I’m sorry, Phil, but I can’t” he starts rambling. “I can’t have you start hating me. I can’t ruin this. Nothing ever lasts. Happily forever after is bullshit. You’ll start hating me and I’ll start hating you and we’ll argue and it’ll be ugly and we’ll damage them for the rest of their lives and we’ll be unhappy. It never lasts. Marriage never lasts. Happiness never lasts. Life is a rollercoaster and when you’re on the top it can only go downhill from here”

“Dan, shut the fuck up” is what finally makes Dan stop talking. “You do /not/ know what you’re talking about. Some marriages last. Happiness lasts. You do not get to sit here and tell me otherwise. You are not about to let your parents screw over another part of your life. You are gonna stop crying, get your shit together and go out there and say what you need to say. We are getting married today, whether or not your demons agree. Fight them, Dan. I know you can”

Phil has Dan’s face between his hands now, the younger boy staring down at him. “Dan, love, you listen to me” his voice has softened before saying this. “I love you more than anything in the world. You mean everything to me. You are the kindest, bravest person I’ve ever had the honor of knowing. Now get out there and show it to me” he says and kisses Dan’s forehead. He wouldn’t be pushing him to do this if he didn’t already know this is what he wants. 

He looks into Dan’s eyes and as soon as he sees a hint of a smile and a nod, he closes his eyes. “I’m not gonna see your outfit before the ceremony” he laughs.

“Promise you haven’t already?” Dan giggles and closes his eyes as well. 

“I promise” Phil says and they both get up from the floor together. Before he turns around, Phil leans in and whispers in Dan’s ear. “Don’t let the demons win”

Phil starts walking to the door, eyes open now. “Sarah, work your magic” he says as he passes the two girls, standing speechless in the doorway. He’s hinting at Dan’s puffy red eyes and blotchy face.

“I promise” Dan shouts after him as he walks down the hall.

17 minutes ‘till showtime. 

\--------------------

The whole day is a blur even thought there is no alcohol involved for either of the two boys. No matter how much Dan wants to celebrate this with some champagne, he doesn’t, for the sake of their little blueberry. Phil supports him. 

It’s 12 pm when two excited boys, who usually would still be in bed, meets in front of an altar. It’s only minutes later a raven haired boy and a chocolate eyed boy says their “I do”’s. The church is filled with tears. A mom who never thought she would see her anxiety-ridden son this happy. Two parents who also has a son at the altar, but them for the second time, seeing their youngest marry the man of his dreams. A new husband, bawling his eyes out because this is more than his hormonal, still secretly pregnant, body can handle. Another new husband, who 7 years ago never thought the boy he loved would ever get to a place where he actually could marry him. So much happiness, so much love.

Their 1-year-old “Blueberry” arrives with Mrs. Wilkinson, their sweet next-door-neighbor, as the ceremony is ending. He is wearing a tiny suit and is ready to take pictures with his now married dads. Dan has never been this happy in his life. 

At the afterparty, as the two husbands have their first slow dance in the middle of the dance floor, as everyone is watching, he makes sure to tell Phil this.

“Thank you” he whispers, his head leaned on Phil’s shoulder. 

“For what?” Phil whispers back softly, genuinely curious of what Dan is actually referring to.

“Everything, you spork” he laughs. “You already know how grateful I am of our two blueberries, so I’m not gonna bother you with that now. What I’ve wanted to thank you for all day is this morning. In the dressing room. You know, if you’d been a minute later, I would have gathered myself enough to run out some backdoor and never come back”

“Well, thank you for listening then. Thank you for being strong for us. You’re the bravest person I know. Thank you for fighting your anxiety for us, I know how hard that can be for you. You make me the proudest husband” he smiles into Dan’s ear and Dan’s butterflies go crazy. 

“I love you” Dan says, and it holds all the emotions he wish his brain was able to put into words. 

“I’ve always loved you” Phil says back. He’s tempted to add ‘and I always will’ but stops himself last minute. In Dan’s eyes, Phil can’t promise that, and it would be like adding gasoline to a quiet fire. Instead, Phil kissed his neck and smiles.

During their speeches at dinner, Dan is brave. They talked about it, but agreed Dan would do it if it felt right. It feels right. 

“7 years ago, I fell in love. For the first time in my life really” Dan’s speech starts. He talks about his life with Phil so far, and how he hopes it’ll continue. He tries to explain how much he loves him, and how much he has and still means to him. And when everyone is crying, he finishes. “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you by my side, through all the joys and challenges it may throw at us. I couldn’t have picked a better man to raise our two little blueberries with” he says as he raises his glass and puts a hand to his stomach. 

A subtle gasp goes through the room. Helen gets up from her chair next to Dan.

“Honey, are you pregnant again?” she smiles at her son.

“Yes” he says into the microphone. “Yes, we’re expecting another one” his face is glowing with happiness and pride. 

A loud cheer and applause takes over. 

It’s hours later when two tired, but very happy, boys get into the backseat of the car. The venue might be in London, but no way they’re spending their wedding night in their apartment. The hotel isn’t far away, about a 20 minute drive, but Dan still manages to fall asleep, and Phil lets him. 

When they check in to their suite, the staff is extra nice to them. They know what day today is. The room is ready. 

As Dan pulls the key out of the door and takes the door handle, Phil speaks up. 

“Wait” he says. Dan let’s go and turns around, facing Phil. Phil opens the door as he kissed Dan on the lips. He moves his lips gracefully up his jawline, stopping by his ear. “We’ll follow traditions tonight” he says with a smirk.

Dan looks at his with a questioned look before letting out a small yelp as Phil sweeps him off the ground and holds him bridal style. 

“So, Ms. Lester” Phil says with a giggle and Dan lets out a laugh. 

“You wish” he mumbles as Phil carry him into the hotel room. It’s covered in rose petals. 

Phil gently lets Dan down on the bed. Before Dan has been able to prompt himself up properly, Phil is already removing his shoes. Then his own. He kicks them off before starting to climb on top of his husband. 

“If you weren’t already pregnant, I’d say I’d put a baby in you tonight” Phil whispers in Dan’s ear as he loosens his tie. 

“You’re such a weirdo” Dan laughs out loud as he lets himself fall to the bed, using his now free arms to remove Phil’s bowtie and get started on the buttons of his shirt. Phil does the same to Dan’s. “After over 7 years, you really think that’s gonna turn me on?” he laughs.

“I’m trying, okay?” Phil says in a voice that could be taken as annoyed, but has so much underlying humor and love.

“It just sounds kinda weird and creepy” Phil laughs too now. “Just love me the way you always do. At least you know it works, as I’m still here”

“Anything for you, love” Phil smiles as Dan throws his shirt on the floor. 

It’s a night filled with so much laughter and enjoyment, and so much deep seated mutual love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this was everything you wanted! 
> 
> You should know that I don't do sad endings, it's always gonna turn out happy somehow, we just need some drama on the way ;))


	34. I hope I see you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first ultrasound of baby #2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from "Ruby" by TØP
> 
> This time I'm actually back! It's been a crazy year and my posting schedule has been all over the place, but now I'm in uni and my everyday has more structure to it (which really helps with this sort of thing) and I already have another about 5000 words already written for the continuing of this story, so no worries! I promise I'm actually back this time!   
> As I'm in uni, I don't want to promise any set posting schedule, but just know it won't be long between every chapter (maybe a week or two at most)
> 
> Anyway, I welcome any new readers! Hope you are enjoying this fic so far and that I can keep up to your expectations in chapters to come as well!   
> To all returning readers, I'm forever grateful for all your support, especially Logan and Lindsey!

When: May 19, 2017

With Dan being early on in a pregnancy, the boys dropped their idea of an exotic destination for their honeymoon. No questionable food was to kill their baby, so Asia was switched out for Greece. Which in itself was no disappointment. Nice, warm weather, beautiful beaches and delicious Greek food. It was lazy mornings and beautiful sunsets. It was days on the beach and nights together. A week later they’re back in London, rested and in love. Their two weeks in South-East Asia will have to wait. 

“Dan, love, are you ready soon? We’re gonna be late!” Phil shouts from the safety of their new kitchen. He has already left Blue with their trusted babysitter, their elderly neighbor Mrs. Wilkinson, and is now eager to leave. 

“I’ll be right down” Dan shouts back from their bathroom. He stands up and walks over to the sink, picking up his toothbrush and toothpaste. He’s 9 weeks and symptoms are at their peak. Especially nausea, it seems. He can’t keep much down these days. “One minute”

The doctor’s office looks just the same. The cute lady in her 40’s guarding the reception. The pictures of unborn babies and pregnant bellies on the wall. The table with the well-used magazines in the corner. It’s only a year since they were here last. A little too close for Dan’s preference. 

“Dan Howell” a nurse calls, and they walk over into the same office they’ve seen so many times before. 

“Howell-Lester boys, back already?” their doctor smiles at them.

“Erm, yeah” 

“Oh, and I see there’s a hyphen now?” she says with excitement. “When was the big day?” she adds with a smile. 

“Not even two weeks ago” Dan says proudly, showing off his wedding ring.

“Oh, they’re beautiful!” the doctor exclaims.

“We only got back from our honeymoon a couple of days ago” Phil adds and looks at Dan with a smile and love in his eyes. 

“And where did that go?” she asks as she gets up from her chair and walks over to the bed. “Could you come lay down for me, please?”

“Ah, yes” Dan mumbles as he gets up from his chair. “We went to Greece, actually” he starts as he walks over to her.

“We figured it was safer than South-East Asia, with the little cherry and all” Phil adds, mentioning the fact that their fetus is now the size of a cherry. 

“I would agree” she smiles as she gets the machine ready. “So, how is baby Blue?” 

“He’s doing great” Dan tells. 

“He’s pretty good at ‘da-da’, getting better at ‘pa-pa’…” Phil adds.

“He can walk pretty well if he’s holding on to something” Dan continues.

“Sounds like your boy is developing good. Now, lets see with your unborn baby” she says as she puts the probe on his stomach. You can’t tell when he’s on his back, but standing, you can see a very slight bump if you know it should be there. 

“Since you’re in week 9 now, it means your baby has now gone from an embryo to a fetus. It’s about the size of a cherry, but you already knew all of this, didn’t you, Phil?”

“I actually did” he must admit with a smile. He takes pride in knowing as much as he does. And it hasn’t been for free. Endless hours on his computer or with baby-books, reading up on whatever information he can find. 

“Let’s see if we can get a heartbeat in here” she mumbles, more to herself. 

A few seconds later, a loud beating sound fills the room. Dan can’t help but smile as bright as his face allows him, as he look from the blob on the screen to his husband. Phil, who is already holding Dan’s hand, leans over and kisses his forehead. 

“Would you look at that” he says, tears trying to force their way out. 

“Yeah” Dan sobs. His hormones are anything but helping him hold the tears back, and they stream down his face.

“Are they okay?” Dan asks, as he turns his attention back to their doctor. 

“Your baby is doing just fine, sweetie. The heartbeat you can very clearly hear means your chance of miscarriage is even lower. Congratulations, boys!” she smiles. 

“Thanks” they say in unison, big smiles covering their faces. 

\--------------------

As Dan is putting Blue to sleep that night, Phil is making popcorn in the kitchen. He loves popcorn and finds any excuse to make it. Their first ultrasound is certainly a good one. 

“And the Blueberry is asleep” Dan smiles as he walks into the kitchen. He stops behind Phil, who is standing by the microwave, and wraps his arms around his waist. He stands up straight, making sure his tiny bump is touching Phil’s back, maybe even blowing it up a little on purpose. He kisses Phil’s neck and leans his head on his shoulder. This is happiness.

“Great” Phil responds. “It’s almost ready”

And when it is, the two husbands head to the living room for their movie night. Phil picked a rom-com because according to him, it fits perfectly today.   
Dan, who’s sleep deprived by this point, can’t even outlast half the movie, but Phil doesn’t wake him. He knows how much his husband need this, so he finishes the movie by himself, his lap covered in chocolate curls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you loved it and I'll see you soon! (promise!)
> 
>  
> 
> For factpurposes: I am aware that this early an ultrasound would not be able to do from the outside (like it's described in this chapter) but I'm sure none of you really care and it was easier to write it that way...

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, hope you like it! 
> 
> As I said, requests are appreciated, and so are also any comments and kudos :)


End file.
